I Do Not Think you are Ready for This Jelly
By: David McGhee
Hey all you wonderful people out there! I can't believe I'm tracking an average of 150 viewers a day. Thank you guys so much for that! :-)
As you may have noticed I haven't posted in a few days. The interviews are lagging and my creative mind has been ruptured previously due to a nasty stomach infection. Again. Stupid Chaboni Yogurt. Giving me H. Pylori and shirt. Yeah! I call for a two week boycott of their yogurt! Effective retroactively two weeks ago! Yeah bitches. I just totally did that. Oh yeah.
I'm really medicated right now so I'll get down to the point. Boo. It's Halloween and shit and my roommates hate horror movies. So I suppose the closest thing I'll get to see of the horror variety this year will most likely either be “John Dies in the End” or “The Avengers.”
You know what? Wait a second; let me backtrack here. I just saw Thor last night. You know? The one where the guy is tall and he beats people up because he's tall and he abuses people with a hammer made from the something of the Gods or some shit? His shirtless scenes were to my satisfaction but the lack of penetration in this movie left a bitter taste in the back of my mouth. Because that's where you taste sour right? Fuck if I know. I just know that all the taste buds are on all the upper surface of the tongue. If you knew that, give yourself a gold star. If you don't have one then drive to the store! You fucking rich kid man whore. I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU! Not with butt sex, but with my appalling butt face.
Man I wish I had the nerve to post my butt on the internet. Despite what many may say, I have sort of a problem with my body image. Others may see me as the small pudgy guy or thin or whatever the fuck they say while I believe that I am a walking vaginal cavity. The kind with all those weird lips and shit! Eeeewwww....
I hope this man rots alive in his Denver apartment!
Man, if I was straight and confident in myself and my height then I would be Prince Harry. I bet that dude gets his ginger pubes all over a bitch's mouth. She be getting it stuck in her teeth from blowing the fire crotched prince of England. Fuck if I just had ten minutes with him... I'd totally show him my music and this blog and I'd like to tell him that he is a very handsome man. Then I'll congratulate him on being tall and red headed. Chicks dig it. That and I bet his feet are fantastic! But I'm not sure I would ask him that out loud. I've been told that by doing that I am weirding the other guy when I bring up the subject of feet. I wonder if his toes have little red hairs on them? Would that be appropriate to ask?
My mind just sort of works this way. I'm really smart but my Aspergers gives me a lack of social understanding. I don't mean to creep someone out or irritate them. There is this one guy one my Facebook and Twitter who hates me no matter how nice I am to him. I don't understand why I'm so annoying?
I know one reason has to be my high weird voice. Don't believe me? Just sift through my catalog of recordings over at http://goodbyetimebomb.bandcamp.com
I swear I'm not grabbing for attention. I used to do that but now I'm pretty oblivious to what goes on around me. As I said, I can possibly do really advanced math if I tried but I swear I will never remember to look both ways across a fourway while the walk light is red. I'm so silly! Ha ha. Splat!
Also I recently watched The Avengers. Holy shit was it good! I don't remember dick about the story but you got to see Captain America (Chris Evans) shirtless in all of his sexy sexiness! I wish I looked like Chris Evans. I bet he knows he's hot and he's a total man whore. His brother is gay did you know that? So he may not get mad at me if when I meet him, I ask for a spoonful of his hearty man chowder. He seems like a scary big dude. Tall and / or big men really scare me.
Asshole! But soooo manly...
I suppose this fear / attraction thing started in high school. I was thirteen and I witnessed all of my friends and classmates grow taller than me. Plus I started to notice how they were thinner than me. Some even had abs. I remember one time I had this kid over from my class and he slept with his shirt off. I must of stared with my jealous eyes for over a minute because he noticed me looking at him and asked me if I was a fag.
Sure... Why not. I didn't even hit puberty until I was like sixteen. Partly because of the heavy duty anti-psychotics or flat out fucking tranquilizers and the other half was just shitty genetics on my part. My brother is probably an inch taller than me but I didn't reach my full adult height of five seven until I was twenty six.
So while I was a man stuck in a child's body, all the other guys I knew were turning into men. Really attractive young men. I wouldn't have even entertained the notion that I could be gay at that time. I didn't come out until I was like twenty two. It was Ian Cooke that put the idea in my head. He was so awesomely nice to me. He was tall but he was so nice. While I still had a lot of tension on my end, he was infinitely patient with me. I wish I could have come out to him directly. When I found out who I was (still am) it seemed like it was too late. I've never been romantic with anyone in my life before that. I mean to a guy. But even when I was with girls I still didn't feel that horrible moment defining click. That one where it just pops in your head and you ask your self “Is anyone really ready for my jelly?” It was horrible. I have had zero romantic experience before this and seeing him with another guy right after I told him that I think I was straight (or some bullshit like that...) he found another guy to enjoy his genitals with. I was scared of enjoying the sight of someone's penis. In print, internet, or in person. It horrified me. My dad said when I was like twelve that if I grew up to be a fruit then he'd kick the shit out of me. Loving guy.
I shouldn't rage on my Dad though. He was just crazy and he only reached out for help later in life instead of right away. I suppose he projected his fears onto me because I was openingly expressing my emotions and he was a horrible person socially. I think when I started acting out he saw himself or some shit. I don't know. I flunked psychology. But I suppose, to be fair, I was doing a lot of coke at the time.
Anyways, Chris Evans scares me. I'm sure he'd hate me just as much as Prince Harry would. Me and my questions about their attractive feet... I don't know. I like manly body parts. Big hands, ect. Stuff like that. Although I know the whole foot / penis ratio thing is total bullshit. I wear size eleven shoe but alas, I am but an average down there man. Yet I know a guy who's six foot two, wears size nine shoe (Brandon Pirkle) and what I assume to be very large genitalia danglings. You can't trust that that shit.
The only way that is remotely reliable to predict a guy's size is to look at his fingers and toes. Long thin fingers and toes can signify large junk on a dude. I like to fantasize about it. Is that wrong?
Anyways, this is because the gene that controls finger and toe growth on involves itself with a male's penis length and possibly girth.
I wish I had me some long toes and fingers. I know my dad was big. What the fuck God!? You truly suck large donkey balls. But I don't really hate you. How can someone hate an imaginary being? Well... I suppose you can hate Superman or something? Shit happens and school buses full of children need saving. And for that we call him a hero? He's a fucking pedophile!
I hate Superman. At least in part because I wish I looked like him. Did you know that the guy who played Superman in that movie had such a big package that they spent a shit load of money digitally making his bulge smaller. What a life, am I right? Big dick and you get paid to repeat words on a paper with the appropriate emotion. Acting. I got it.
I like Joseph Gordon Levitt. I believe he will father many illegitimate children. I suppose this also needs explaining too. Not the whole Joseph Gordon Levitt is hot thing. That's a duh, but the association I have with taller handsomer men is that my mindset sees taller men as having a higher chance at reproducing because of their superior physical and mental traits. A person of higher bodily goodness has a better chance of a quality life on the evolutionary set of things. Bigger males are more attractive to women. And men's sweat is an aphrodisiac that women (and gay men) respond to very favorably. When a man's all working out and he's sweating and the chick walks into the room she goes “Holy shit! He be hot!” And then they proceed to make three aborted little girls.
It is of my belief that jerking off kills six million potential children every time you cum. They just slop onto a tissue or into a sock and they they dry out and die. That and they need the warm inner environment of something like a vagina to continue living for just a little while longer. The bullshit thing is that if a guy doesn't jack off then eventually he'll have the occasional wet dream and wipe out yet another generation of boys and girls. They never even had the chance!
I saw on The Colbert Report that this Democratic senator made a faux bill banning male masturbation in Oklahoma in an attempt to make fun of their anti abortion laws. This whole “life starts at conception” is total bull. Sure it may have a beating heart but it doesn't really have a nervous system, no brain, therefore it feels no pain and is not conscious. You may spend the rest of your life wondering what kind of man whore your son could have been (I say that all tall parents should abort their children at this stage) because aborting it would not physically harm the child in anyway that IT CAN FEEL! No nervous system, no concept of life. That is what I believe.
If you have waited more than a few months then I say put them up for adoption. Fucking religion and stupid men and woman saying they don't like condoms. You know what else is a horrible parasitic monster in almost every way that makes a parasite a parasite by definition which are human children.
Not saying I hate children. But if you can't support them or you are a tall man who is confident that his son will be tall, you should abort them six weeks to three months or sooner. Fucking tall people.
Tall people have no feelings.
Yeah, that sucked. Seeing everyone become adults. I still don't fully feel like I'm a grown up yet. I don't really care about sex at all. And my attractions are crushes at best. I just don't feel like I fit.
It is always cool when I meet someone else with Aspergers. I really believe that Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and that little goblin on In The Middle have the same shit I do. I actually used to be so like Sheldon. But opposed to their not pursuing help, I however have gotten therapy. The best thing for me is to hear facts instead of trying to work out my emotions. I wish I could feel more but to me, if it isn't logical, then why would I do it?
Why I ask you. Why?
I know this is abstract and cold. I do like people, I do. But it's hard to feel any real attachment or empathy with someone. I'm really happy that I've achieved a satisfactory level of affection with Frank. But other people weird me out. Einstein had Aspergers.
I like reading non fiction books a lot. Especially biographies. I am thankful that I got the right diagnosis at the Pueblo Colorado State Mental Facility. I forgotten everyone's name there except for Dr. Stuyt. She was so awesome. Since I wasn't making way with my addictions on an emotional level, she scared me off the drugs with some factual education. She told me to look at my addiction like an evolutionary problem. Or a math problem. Something like that. And the evolutionary system works for me. It will mean that I will forever give the tall men their due.
Fucking man whores...