Friday, September 27, 2013

Alex's Boner Goes to Washington

Alex's Boner Goes to Washington
By: David McGhee

This is me in my first band Ginkins!
And here's me doing a photo shoot for Goodbye Timebomb.
And now back to the zany world of David McGhee! At least I think it's pretty out there. I don't know. I'm not a good judge on my own work you know? Just slip me a twenty and we'll call it even.

Alex stared into his ten gallon fish tank. The one that housed his pet piranha. Well... Not piranha. Those are illegal in America I think? I could Google it but then you wouldn't have anything to complain about when you write your master thesis on my big black cock. Its name was Megabyte. It was fairly large and had graduated to eating small frogs and such. Sometimes Alex liked to cut off his finger tips and feed them to Megabyte.
As he was using a potato peeler to cut his nails when Suzy walked into the room via stage right. “What about a banana?” She screamed at the top of her lungs.
“I am feeling fat. And sassy.” Alex said nonchalantly as he peeled off his right index finger's tip skin, taking the fingernail with it. He dropped the bloody piece of Alex sex into the water. The blood started to fog up the tank. Surely he would have to clean it soon. He wondered if the piranha would get hepatitis C from drinking his blood and eating his spooge. Because he totally had hepatitis from when he shot up with a dirty needle. The man had lied to him and said that he had full blown AIDS. But to Alex's dismay he contracted treatable hepatitis. What a mother fucker?
He thought back to the time when he was humping this hippo of a man named Roger. Roger was fat. And sassy. Giving head had never been so much fun before. Well, Alex didn't give head. He was above that. No. Roger did all the dick sucking. And oh how Alex enjoyed cumming in people(s) mouths. It was the only thing that brought him joy these days. Oh how he used to frolic in the woods, wearing nothing but his sexy sex thin body for warmth. He had a six pack. And he began to drink them all in one sitting.
Feeling fat. And sassy. Alex made eye contact with Suzy and licked his lips.
“Oh please!” Suzy said with disgust. “You must be this high to ride this ride.” She put her hand to her hip to indicate the favored height.
“But...” Alex began. “I'm like, Totally six three.”
Suzy's face contorted into a mass of confused tendons and facial muscles. “Then I suppose you can fuck me?” She said questionably. She stood up to her full five foot stature and looked at the tall skinny white boy sitting on the recliner next to a nick-knack shelf that had an incredibly apathetic fish living in a ten gallon aquarium on top of it. Oh my yes, this fish was apathetic alright. He once ate this young man's penis. The kid cried and said that he had ruined his life. The fish took no notice of his cries of pain and humiliation. For he had just eaten himself some soft bloody stuff. And soft bloody body stuff tasted like soft bloody body stuff and that was a good thing.
The kid later had a penis transplant from a dead porn star. He was so big at the age of five that he wound up doing high profile kiddie porn just to make ends meet in this economy. Oh my yes. And the one you can thank for this is the fucking piranha. Don't you just like saying piranha? It's like a bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb and a zulu.
What's a zulu you ask? Why it's that thing that does that thing at that place where you do the thing but not the other thing because that thing once raped and nearly killed your mother. Oh did I just insinuate that I would write the imagery. Of your mother being raped. By a huge dicked man. Can you picture that? Maybe he's a Mexican? And so what if he was? You fucking racist twat waffle!
Alex punched Suzy in the face and they both hugged. Her lip had burst with blood and guts. Or at least what had looked like guts. The bottom tooth broke through her bottom lip. It was quite disgusting. So disgusting in fact that Alex whistled for his body guard to come up there and get this bitch did. Fucking ho. Thinking that he'd want to fuck a five foot tall girl. Who likes short girls anyways? He did. He fucking did. So when his body guard got to his side he told him to go out and bring him the nuts of the kid who got his dick bit off by his piranha when Alex smeared blood from the kid's finger all over his pee pee and then submersed him into the tank, thus allowing the normally apathetic fish to go completely ape shit and bite the little fucker's dick off. The fact that the kid was making more money doing large dicked kiddie porn than he was making it with short bitches and then pretending like their bank account had been hacked by the government for Homeland Security shit. Because that entity can pretty much do what ever the fuck it wanted to. Fuck with the mob, maybe. Fuck with Homeland Security? Fuck that fucking fuctity fuck shit.
There once was a dog and Bingo was his name-oh. N-IG-G-E-R.
Wait. What? You fucking racist piece of sperm and egg miracle of life! How dare you! You're a white man living in a white world doing white girl things because love ain't no thang. You know what I mean? What-is-up-my-homie? Said the little white guy with Aspergers. He grew up in a prominently black and white (very few chinks) area of Duluth Georgia. David being autistic was always confused when people brought up the subject of race because he doesn't see people as anything really. People continue to be the prominent (excuse me for my laziness) thing that eludes him when it came to remembering people and shit. He always wore a frown but deep down inside he just wanted everyone to be happy.
Is That so wrong? Apparently so. Because immediately after his twenty third birthday he was arrested for possession of heroin. Amazing how time flies. His veins haven't been hungry for much lately. Apparently this drug Suboxone stops the craving for opiates but he was convinced that it stopped his craving for opiates. So he took it. It was a bitch getting it prescribed. It's so fucking expensive too. When Alex was like twenty seven and had a lifetime of mental and physical mishaps, he was finally given the drug treatment for opiate dependence. He did awesome on it and almost got through probation.
If it weren't for me relapsing and being honest that just getting back on Suboxone instead of being on Suboxone and going to this group home rehab thing. That place has fucking bed bugs! No way! And he was honest about this.
His probation officer. Being the sweet and caring person she was. Told me to come to court the next morning and everything will be fine. Alex came into the courtroom with a smile and a feeling of a ton of knots in his back just unloosening. He was in good spirits indeed!
Probation violation?
Three years in jail?
Three felonies?
What the fuck!? He had admitted he had a problem and totally did fine before without the rehab. He wasn't even given time to go back home and get his kitten's living situation corrected. He went to jail. And the kitten died. He never forgave them for that. In fact he was sure the gypsy curse on them to make them all burn when they pee and have pussy shit coming out of the... Okay, he totally fucked up probation by giving the members of his justice team an incurable case of syphilis. But it was like totally worth it. When he got out of prison for the second time he wound up using that as a campaign slogan for the Republican Party. His incurable case of syphilis was in fact, the patient zero. Soon the rest of the world had this new strain of syphilis that made their winkies and unis puss up and burn when the person who adorns such venereal attire urinates. But it also made them happy. Yes it quickly goes to the brain and attacks the amygdala, which conrtols anger and shit like that. But for some reason only the emotion of happiness was spared. No one was depressed. Suicides dropped to zero. Everybody was hugging and fucking in the street and doing a job that they love because the government decreed that, after the house wiped the puss out of their dicks and va jay jays, that college would be free and anyone could go!
He was both hated and loved. What the hell am I saying? Wouldn't hating be like, outlawed? Imagine all those haterz out there. On the internet and in reality TV shows. They all just got along. And then they did the diddly dance with their diseased genitals. Everyone already had it. So why the fuck not?
Soon those who wanted to be police officers were out of a job. But they didn't need money anymore because he went to college and got what ever he wanted based on what kind of work he had done during a set period of time.
Sadly therapy soon died as an occupation because people just talked it out and they like, totally didn't give a shit anymore. Not for bad reasons. But for good reasons.
Smiley face.
E, Oh, El.
My balls itch. I scratch and I scratch but it won't stop bleeding! What the fuck man!?
That's okay for mister sexy Alex that I made up like a loving God would have. If Alex were God (After having the amygdala fucking zonked in it's arse from the super duper fun syphilis that was like being on ten milligrams of codeine for the first time and having a virginal system.) he'd totally like, fuck chicks and shit. Because he was like totally straight bra. You know bra? Oh yes. Give it to me baby. Uh huh! Uh huh! But alas his penis was just for the chicks out there bra.
His balls totally itched so he typed on instead of scratching them. Oh he had tried doing it above the pants but honest to God he couldn't get that itch of crotch rot out of his system without digging into the moist, fragrant crotch flesh with his nine inch nails. Bet you thought I was gonna say penis didn't ya? Ha ha.
Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!
There! If this happens to be in a book you are reading then you are welcome. I just killed a tree to tell a dick joke. I am awesome.
And Alex was awesome. Not because David had syphilis too. It was because he was high as a motherfucker on a CBD enriched pot lollipop. Because it's like, totally legal here. What are you going to do? Fuck me? Eeeeewww! There is a chance that you are a girl and... Perhaps if you really, really needed it I suppose? Okay. Let me just slide it on in there and... What? It's not in all the way? I give you three inches of my six and a half inch ding dong to hear you complain about how it's only “sort of” fucking you?
Get out of my room bitch! You stupid whore! I'm going to hit you! That's right, take a punch to the face you dirty slut! Your blood will be feasted upon by my kitty cat's lickity kitty licks. For he loves the taste of the blood of an abused woman. I have no idea why either. I've only punched one girl in my life and shit so it was just a really weird coincidence you know? Having your kitty cat lick the blood of the girl you just slugged on your knuckles? He just totally offered so I just let him lick me with his prickly tongue. Ha ha. I said prickly.
What was I talking about before giving you the kind of love that an emotionally unstable and highly abusive man can give you. Shh... It's okay now. We can make love. Shh... Just lie back down and... What? You didn't wash out your cooch and now it's dripping with my semen?


Thursday, September 26, 2013

Sexy Time Miniature Golf

Sexy Time Miniature Golf
By: David McGhee

So we called Derby up and asked him if he'd like to play with some balls that afternoon. There was no hesitation on his part and he said he'd be there in a bit. But after a few hours of waiting (and ten levels of Mario beaten) I texted him asking what the hell was the hold up. It turned out that Derby was using hydroponics to grow his pot and now he was having a water leak. Frank laughed it off and called him a loser for not using soil.
You hear that Derby? You're a loser!
Ha ha... No, just kidding. Please don't hit me.
Frowny face.
After eating an edible chocolate bar we headed off to the course. I remember the car ride being uneventful, perhaps even stressful, for we had to not listen to my music along the way. Don't get me wrong, hippies are people too, sometimes, but their music just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you spend fifty to a hundred bucks to watch people jam around for three hours while only playing four songs? Further was okay I suppose. But maybe I would have had fun at Dave Mathews? (with central heating!) but judging from the crowd at their lot I would have been drowning in jock seminal fluid. Although that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. After all jocks do provide an erotic service to all gay men. Perhaps the women enjoy it too but we're not here to make them happy, are we fellas?
We got to the course and the reception booth was empty. I smiled and immediately started saying “heeelllloooo? We wants to play with your balls!” and like magic a young lady appeared. Frank paid because he's my sugar daddy (at least until I get food stamps again) and we picked out our balls and golf clubs.
I picked pink with blue. Ever see a more natural color for a man to choose?

First hole I basically hit my maximum and wound up smashing my golf club against the AstroTurf in a fit of lusty rage. The next hole I wound up hitting it in in two tries. This continued until about the seventh hole, when I totally lost my shit and started yelling at a rabbit.

It's not that I don't like miniature golf per se, in fact I am quite good at it and it has been said that if I actually tried I could whip Frank and Drew's pasty asses. With the edible in full effect I began making love to the ball... No actually I just started getting frustrated and guided the ball into the holes by walking besides it and gently putting it as I went along. By this time Frank and Drew could see that I wasn't taking the game seriously. But all in all I had a lot of fun.

To be honest I think that's all I am going to post today... I just don't haves it in me to rant and rave about various topics of interest. That is, unless anyone wants to teach me math?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Untitled and Undressed

Untitled and Undressed
By: David McGhee

So by the time I wake up this morning, Frank is all like, “Hey!” and he then pulls the blanket off of my body. “We's gots to go to human services today. For our food stamps.” Yeah, we take food stamps. Let me reiterate a little here... I'm disabled due to kidney function problems and my Asperger's. Drew has Crohn's disease and probably a steroid induced case of acute autism. Frank is the only able bodied / sane person amongst us. But his job, as they tend to do, they laid him off. At first when he filed for unemployment they were all like “Nuh uh!” And gave him the raspberry. Then he came into human services with me this morning and they were all like “Denied unemployment? Approved food stamps!” And I celebrated with a Diet Coke. Because I'm cool like that.
I can party with the best of them yo. The first desk jockey to interview us before the real interview at human services was a big handsome hulking man of a man. I asked him if he was a man whore and he told me that he used to be. But now he has his girlfriend. So I imagine them fucking like rabbits now when I masturbate.
For what ever odd reason. Be it the pot, be it the psychoactive medication I take, be it tulips and ham. But I feel pretty damn good today. I threw up a little this morning but that's a normal thing for me. You see I have Hep C. I got it using a dirty needle that the person explicitly told me that he and she and he and he and she and he and he had it, but I didn't listen. I thought if you run scolding water through it then you can kill the virus. Boy was I ignorant. Next thing they're going to be saying is that the pull out method is around 96% effective if performed properly. Wait? That is a fact? Really? Wow... Huh.
So I'm sick all the time now. I smoke pot to give me an appetite. I used to look like this

But now I'm at a healthier weight.

Not necessarily being healthy though... But yeah. What's cool is that the marijuana, more specifically CBDs, help so much with my nausea and it even helps me act more normal in social situations. It calms me down. Plus I suffer from horrible depression. Dysthymia is a low to mid grade depression for every day of your life. It's caused by a chemical imbalance. Yeah. I bet you're saying “Unbalanced? Not David!” But it's true. I do have a few screws loose in the old noggin. One day I wonder if they'll ever come out with a drug or a procedure that could cure my brain.
I hate being so weird. I wish I was a normal five foot ten one hundred and sixty pound brown eyed brown haired man who likes pussy and football. But instead I turned out an autistic gay who can color coordinate. If there is a God then he obviously made us to amuse himself. What a dick.
People always ask me, me being an atheist and all, what will I say if I die and there is a God. Well to that I reply that if he truly is omniscient then he'd know how much I've suffered in life and that I have never wished anything bad on anyone other than myself. I'm the kind of guy that would push a kitten out of the way in front of a speeding zeppelin so that it might hit me instead. He should know that. Plus I have never been able to hate anyone. I have a predisposition that mandates I treat everyone as a friend instead of the constant threats they are.
Let's talk about Gary. I was doing great before I met him. Then I am spending all of my money on crack. Probably around five thousand dollars worth to be exact. The thing is is that I'm an extremely poor person, so me thinking back now on how I was that resourceful without stealing... Man it blows my mind. Like this one time I was two weeks away from getting my financial aid and I panhandled in the student complex (the one where all the schools have their shops and clubs) and got the forty five dollar (plus tax) writing book for creative writing.
Man did I bomb that class... I was writing a lot but I had no voice or direction. It was only in the end after I had suffered through so much during the semester that I found that I actually can write funny stories that make people laugh. All this time I was thinking I'd be a horror writer or a serious nihilist like Chuck Palahniuk. No. My voice is that of the fart noise.
Perhaps I could be a comedy writer? That would be cool. I'm basically just making this up as I go along. Aren't I pretty?
Everyone knows that the butt is where the doodie comes out. Right? Well I'm gay, so that's where the penis goes! Hey yo!
*rim shot*
But seriously. I took it upon myself to picture and critique my butt along with those of my roommates.

As you can see hear, Frank has a strong back side with muscular features just under his tight, manly shirt. His butt rarely sees things entering it, making him the opposite of a power bottom (which I am) and more of a “I'MA GONNA MOUNT YA!” kind of take charge man.
Notice how the pants extenuate his personality. That's called surrealism. Or at least it was back in my day. What do kids do now for fun anyways? Crack probably. Or at least that's what I would do if I had my whole life in front of me.

This butt belongs to my other roommate, Drew. Drew is a tightly wound person. So much so that if you gave him enough lip his eyes would probably pop out of their sockets. I've actually seen it happen on some medical shows. I shit you not.
See how his khakis scream out for reassurance? How the boot cut fit is a commentary on our shitty, shitty foreign policy? I'm just jacking you off, we have a pretty good thing going now that Obama is in office. Imagine what would of happened if Romney won? They're already cutting food stamp benefits! Which sucks because we like to eat food. It sort of makes us live.
Frowny face.
No el, oh, el.

And now for my butt. As you can see it has a worn out look to it. Probably should bring it in for a servicing. They say you should do that after every three thousand miles. It just keeps things in the right place and they make sure it's all working correctly.
Many notable penises have crossed over to my colon over the course of my brief but prolific sexual life. You see, I think anyone over five nine and skinny is cute. So I've invited many a tall man to my rear. I never got word on whether or not my milkshakes would bring the boys to the yard, but freely offering it up online certainly helps you stay not lonely.
Which comes to the other part of this erotic friend fiction. After the handsome man would fuck me he'd cuddle (sometimes) then leave in the morning or right after. I could never make a connection and when I try to bring up the idea of us two being friends they are always like “What? You mean you want more than my cock? Fuck off you damn Yankee!” Well... Not in so many words. They normally just stop responding to my calls and texts.
Man I've done a lot of horrible things in my life. Ever steal from your parents? Like a lot? I've done it. And now I feel like shit because I'm so much better now and my mom is dead and I can't show her that I'm not a filthy smack shooting creep anymore. I wish I could. People say that I'll get my chance in heaven but for the last time, there is no heaven. All make believe. I've been in a week long coma before and it felt like a blink. I closed my eyes and opened them and a week had passed.
Albeit that was enough time to kick my smack addiction, but not long enough for the habit to break. So I was back on heroin highway.
I remember meeting a lot of strange and interesting people during my drug days. Like the guy who was snorting coke off of his coffee table shouting at me to never do heroin because it would fuck my life up. Or the homeless guy with AIDS who shares needles. Thank God I never contracted that shit.
I have a friend whom I've lost contact with and I just found out recently that he got bad blood from a transfusion and he got the virus. I mean the bad one. As if the others are good? What a bummer... And he has such a huge dick too! I mean it's like ten inches! And he's handsome as all fuck! He had a kid before this happened. A boy. And that boy is going to grow up to be handsome and have a big dick just like his father. Yes. If you hate / accept / love your penis size then you can thank your father.
I believe black men have bigger dicks on average here in America because back in their tribal days the people would wear little to no clothing. So of course the females could see what the other guy was packing and of course, they chose bigger dicks. It's a fact of life. Big dicks rock! They are things of beauty! But you know what else is a thing of beauty? Normal cocks. Ever have ten inches up your rectum? It's not a nice feeling. I imagine a woman has the same feeling. So after all the huge cock I've gotten in my life I'm happy to be with a (mostly) normal sized man.
Who am I kidding? Dude is hung! What the fuck!? Why does everyone else have a huge fucking penis!? Sure girls say it's good enough but I know their really thinking that they want to fuck Collin Farrel. Dude had a nude scene in “Home at the End of the World” and they had to cut it because the audience couldn't concentrate after seeing his massive man Wii remote. So yeah. To all those who have big dicks out there, I have one thing to say...
Oh wait... Frank advised me that asking for naked pictures of my readers would be in bad taste. See. It's things like that that I have no clue on whether or not it's truly an appropriate thing to say. I swear I can recall everything I learned in psychology but I simply refused to step on cracks. Oh man...
And if you ever wanted to see band photos from Ginkins then here you go!

Man these are old... I miss Mike King. He was such a cool guy. He had a similar sense of humor to me and never got mad when I would say or do something stupid. He just stood by me and I accused him of not caring about me. I put him through a lot. I'm sorry Mike... At least we have the music still.
Man. I'm going to go watch Frank and Drew play Mario Kart now. See ya nerds!
But before I go... Artsy photo time!!!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Kick Ass Two Kicks Ass!

Kick Ass Two Kicks Ass!
By: David McGhee

So the day started like any other day of mine. Frank woke me in the morning and told my sleepy self some important things to remember. Then I went back to sleep and promptly forgot everything. All I know is that there was a cigarette on my book case when I woke up, and that made me happy.
Smiley face.
El, oh, el.
So after the first cigarette of the day I realized that I was all alone in the apartment. I think at that point I was remembering that Drew had a doctor's appointment. So I wasn't freaking out too bad. I took it upon myself to watch the original Naked Gun on Netflix. I forgot how much I love old Zucker Bros comedies. It sucks that they suck now. I mean... Have you seen Scary Movie Five? The only thing good about it is the opening scene with Charlie Sheen and I'm not even sure if that counts because the man probably doesn't even remember filming it. Geesh!
All the old jokes and one liners came back to me during the movie. “Nice beaver!” “Thanks, I just had it stuffed.” Pure comedy gold! Not as comedic as say a knock to the crotch but the movie has taste and style. It's the only movie series to get better with every sequel. One day I shall sit down and watch the other two. But for now I'm happy knowing that I gave the Zucker Bros a royalty check from watching Naked Gun on Netflix.
Weird Al Yankovic appears in every movie. Did you know that? The first movie he's coming off the plane. The second one has him being the bad guy in the corner near the door telling the copper that they've had it, coppers. And the third one he is with Vanna White I think at the Oscars. I could look it up but then that wouldn't make me a lazy bastard. And I don't want to disappoint my audience, do I? The only logical solution is to just make shit up.
We ran into this bearded guy at the Further lot at Red Rocks and apparently he made nice with Frank and Drew because they hung out with him a little before coming home. Hell. Who wouldn't wanna hang out with this guy?

Upon their arrival home I was told that I better get my good shoes on because I was going miniature golfing. Woo hoo! Now for the pregame breakdown. I paced the house about fifty times building myself up to it. I counted my steps and washed my hands six times in an hour. Man I needed a cigarette. So I got one. And then it was gone. And I was sad.
When we got to the miniature golf place we noticed the closed sign on the window. Not to be deterred from having a good time we all yelled “FUCK YOU MINIATURE GOLD ESTABLISHMENT!” and looked up some movie times.
Kick Ass 2 seemed like the best option. So we went to Dickies BBQ to eat and kill some time. Let me tell you their brisket and chicken are soooooo moist. It was like eating into jelly almost. Or Jell-O. You may have heard from various sources that there is always room for Jell-O. Let me let you in on a little secret... Depending on how big your container is, there is not always room for Jell-O. It's complete bullshit! That is unless they mean that there is always room in your stomach for Jell-O. In which case I'd also like to call shenanigans. What horse cock! If I'm full the last fucking thing I'm going to do is eat some Jell-O. What do they think I am? Fucking David the Jell-O eating machine who eats Jell-O after eating an already big meal? Fuck you. And the horse you rode in on.
We got to the Elvis Cinema (dollar theater) and bought our tickets for Kick Ass Two. It was slow getting started but when it went into full swing, oh man did it get gory! That girl, Hit Girl (I will not be bothered by IMDB right now. I have my reasons.) was so fucking awesome! And that geeky guy who plays Kick Ass went from scrawny geek to muscular hot sex man! I bet he gets tons of blow jobs for his body on top of the fact that he's starring in two major motion pictures. I'm sure he rides around in a limo in downtown LA snorting coke off of a hookers ass.
I've done that before. Not the limo thing but the snorting drugs off of a hookers ass. No one said the hooker had to be male though. Or even female. From what I remember I just saw it's ass. It could have been Betty White for all I care. I mean... Really. Cocaine!
Damn shit will numb your jaw and take all of your money as if you had married it and it's now seeking custody of the children. Fucking bitch. She can have them! What retard would put me in charge of a kid's life? I mean... I can barely figure out which shoe to put on first let alone feed, shelter, teach, and guide a youngster into prosperity would be the last thing that I would be qualified for.
But then again many people come into parenting without any prior knowledge and extensive criminal records and they have children just fine. Problem is that gay men don't get no love when it comes to adoption. Rosie O’Donnell went through hell in a malfunctioning golf cart to get her kid. And Dan Savage... Well he got his kid because all in all he's a pretty stable human being.
I swear when I was younger I used to wait by the pool table where my father sharked and he'd have me go to and from the bar giving him drinks. And my mom drinks. And their friends drinks. I was always wanting to help out regardless of the situation. But I've learned over the course of my life that if you protect shit your going to have it smudged all over your eyeballs in a big old handful of shit to the face. I'm serious. I used to be a heavy drug user and it totally fucked over eight or so years of my life. I mean it helped me fuck it up further. I was doing plenty of fucking up before I found heroin but damn... Fuck. Man that shit will become your whole life if you let it.
I remember before I got heavy into it I tried coke. Off a hookers ass. And I was telling the man who was in a band who owned the apartment that I had tried it once, loved it, and promptly cut ties with the guy who supplied it. It was just too scary. I knew I loved pain pills so smoking heroin seemed like the right thing to do. Why did I do it for so long? Imagine living under a cloud of self doubt and pure hatred for everything that is yourself. So much so that it physically hurts to move because your so depressed. I mean knot city and puking every time I went out in public. Heroin... Heroin made me, for the first time, feel like the world was a good place where people loved me.
Of course I know now that people love me but I didn't have the mind at the time to see it. I had the whole scene in front of me. The whole Denver oyster at my doorstep and I first fuck it up by being a creepy weird guy then I solidify my reputation as bad news when I started smoking dope in the bathroom at the Hi Dive. I know they knew. That's why they always kicked me out whenever I went to a show there. I don't blame them... I just hope they can forgive me for all the stupid stuff I did both sober and on drugs. It was sort of embarrassing being that weird guy. Persona non grata. I used to burn bridges so unwittingly that I was totally dumbfounded as to why my best friend Mike broke off our relationship only to find out later that, well to be truthful, I was sort of a dick.
I mean... The guy has a life. I should of known that. But I was seeing the world through the eyes of an undiagnosed autistic. I didn't know that what I feel and how I work were normal things for people like me to do. Most kids get diagnosed with Asperger's at age four to six. I wasn't diagnosed until 2009. Giving me plenty of time to fuck my life over before trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild my Emerald City beyond the hills. If only someone would of caught it sooner...
The funny thing is that I believe the Denver Police and the Denver Justice system saved my life. I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for their tireless efforts to rehabilitate me. It took damn near five years and a stay at the state mental facility in Pueblo Colorado... It was there that a psychologist took me aside and told me to look into Asperger's syndrome. I learned more about it and I was shocked to find out that people like me exist everywhere. People like me who can calculate the dimensions of a three dimensional sphere the size of Jupiter just using our minds and a little technology, but we don't look both ways before crossing the street.
I swear I can remember almost every fact I hear about science or something but when it came to remembering what my friends look like in a crowd... Or names. It usually takes me a while to learn names. I've developed a system of nudges and pulls to test the weather of a person before unleashing certain aspects of my personality. It's hit or miss and I miss more often than not. But on the times when I'm on, it's the greatest feeling in the world.
Smiley face.
El, oh, el.
Hrmm... Also today I designed a new button. Here is the new button.

It was supposed to be funny but it turned out more like modern street art with it's slang and cartooning. Definitely modern. I wanted it to come out cute and funny but instead some poor asshole is going to believe that it has some hidden deep meaning just below the kitten's eyes. Well let me tell you what you'll see if you look closely. Vectors and pixels. That's it my friends.
I've decided to go to the Art Institute in Denver in the Spring. I'm good at art and it's going to be nothing but art projects so... I think I'll at least do better than I did at CCD. Oh man the drugs I've bought from that campus... I swear everyday it was like walking into velociraptor refuge wearing nothing but lamb chops to cover my groin area.
The old junkies would curse at me when I didn't give them money. Then they'd curse me for getting back into the junk. Then they'd curse me when I told them that I was done with the Denver drug scene. I'd like to tell you that this decision was based more on my moral resolve instead of how shitty the quality of the coke downtown was getting... But it is what it is.
I now live in a wonderful apartment with my love and my roommate love. I love them because they are made of candy kisses smothered in caramel hugs! I know. Pretty deep huh?
All in all I think I had a pretty good day. Maybe tomorrow I can write some more and do a little running. I've started the foundation of my running career already. I've started walking ten blocks a day down hill and up. And I've started running little bits of it. I've found the secret to not getting that stitch in your side. The secret is to use meditation like breathing while you are being constantly active. You breath in real slow and exhale equally slowly. You'll get the urge to take in one quick deep breath but that will put you on the road to stitch town. You have to resist that overwhelming feeling and just keep your breathing paced. You'll be fine. I promise you.
Speaking of which, I was taught something called “Heart Math” in the state looney bin. You see you find a nice quiet place to sit or lay down. Then you imagine yourself in a calming setting. Then you choose your animal that will be by your side / on your lap. And you just concentrate on the touch of the animal's skin / fur on your hands.
Me personally, I pretend I'm in a library with a kitten on my lap. It's purring and kneading on my lap. It's so into me petting it that sometimes I drop it. But then I pick it up and resume loving it. While doing this I concentrate on my breathing. Timing my petting of the kitty with the breaths I take. I get so in the zone that I can get my heart rate down to like fifty or sixty beats per minute. One time I hit fifty five and they had to have me stop doing it. It was funny because everyone was certain that I wasn't paying attention during the lectures. But the joke was on them because when they first brought out the heart monitor I was the only one who could do it. But then I taught the other ones who wanted to learn how to do it. Soon whenever something got out of hand in the ward we'd just go sit down and pet our animal while breathing in and out slowly.
I suppose you could try it too.
Go ahead. I'll wait.
Probably do a little writing while you are doing so.
What are you waiting for?

*does a little dance, makes a little love*

Sunday, September 22, 2013

My Days Among the Hippies

My Days Among the Hippies
By: David McGhee

I admit that I've become a total pussy about being around people over the years. The other week I went to the Bluebird (a five hundred person venue) and the fucker sold out! The awesome guys in In The Whale got me and my friend Erin in to see the show and just like my song says “That is so typical of me to chicken out!” A song in which you can hear right hea!
It rocks and it rolls but mostly it emotes. Or some shit like that. Here was the review of my album by the ever most awesome writer and friend from the Westword Tom Murphy!

Often brutally confessional, this latest release from David McGhee features some of the songs he used to perform before he disappeared for a few years. And if they're any indication, McGhee must have been processing more than his fair share of personal demons, crippling loss, intense confusion and social rejection. There may be a jaunty energy to these tracks, but there's no denying the pain and sadness that went into cuts like "I'm No Prize Myself" and "Dance! Robot! Dance!" Yet despite the depths to which he clearly plunged, McGhee was able to pick himself up and record a song as fragile and as tense as "This May Break Your Heart." His naked honesty and earnest delivery allow this album to actually live up to its title. “ - Tom Murphy / Westword (This is a link to all of my Westword press.)

And this is the link to Westword in general... Ha ha.

You can also hear my acoustic album hea!

That was the acoustic album that I did. I remember that my blow job song got to be the track featured in the Denver Post's “Steal This Track.” But this isn't about me. Anymore. Maybe a little... But anyways, I left early because I was having too much anxiety to go any further. Ha ha... Further is the name of the band that I was spending my last few days in the lot of their concert. Last night I even went in to see them. They are some of the members of The Greatful Dead.
I had mixed feelings about the show. Seeing as they are a jam band they, of course, jammed. And jam they did. I just said that!
Shut up you!
*punches self in stomach*
It was highly boring for the first set because they just went on and on and on and on and... Well you get the idea. It was just them going at it on their respective instruments. Jerry Garcia's daughter is a back up singer in the band and very often during the show she'd get annoyed and just walk off stage during a jam. Ha ha... Imagine to be paid to tour and barely do jack shit? I mean she doesn't even show up in the mix that I heard of the show. And the band has little to no lyrics to sing. It's all just one big fucking jack off session really. Or a circle jerk if you will.
Pardon me... Do you have any Grey Poupon? No? Well go fuck your fancy self! And use water based sex jelly. Cause' it's the bestest!
I wonder how girl's jack off. I'm sure I could find that out with an internet search but I don't want to give my boyfriend's computer a virus. Thank goodness Tumblr and are trust worthy and show you all the ginger pubes you want without any of those stinky Trojans. Trojans... Trojen condoms. Magnum. My my my... Huge red headed cock.
What was I saying again? Oh yeah... When I wasn't seeing the band play during what appeared to be one massive acid trip, I was in the parking lot hanging out with various people. I met this one guy with the coolest beard!

I bet he gets tons of blow jobs.
Speaking of blowjobs, imagine how many blowjobs this guy gets for his mustache!

And this guy gave me some awesomely awesome Yoo Hoo! It was amazing. I bet he gets blowjobs from various female persons as well.

It was funny because this guy Ryan was with us and Mike, the guy above, took an immediate dislike for him. He would bully him around and eventually physically pushed him out of his area! Ha ha... It's awesome because he hates tall men about as much as I love tall men! But Ryan was cool. I liked giving him hugs. Earlier I texted my boyfriend that he was huggable and my auto correct switched it with “fuckable.” Whoa... Ha ha. He's a good friend of his and I just went there muthafucka's!
I would totally love for Ryan to do gay things with me and my boyfriend but he's straight so even thinking such things is just not cool. I wish that he may have all the vaginas in Fort Collins (the non fat ones) land in his crotch by the time he finishes College. There was a girl in the lot that said she liked giving blowjobs. To be fair though, I started that conversation. Anyways, Ryan said that he would of love a blowjob from her and I totally spaced it. I'm sorry Ryan. :-(
You totally deserve blowjobs too. The man made us homemade guacamole! Oh man if I was a chick I'd do things to him so that he may satisfy his tall skinny white boy desires. But maybe I can bring him to a bar and get him laid by a female there? I mean... Gay guys make great wing men. Der!!! Didn't you know that?
But the highlight of my past few days was this man.

He sold me some of the coolest rocks I've ever seen! Plus he gave me a shit ton of free stones too. I need to bring them to a geologist and write down what he tells me they are. But here is be pictures of rocks stone there be!

If you're ever in California, USA, then look him up and get your own rocks from him. Mention that David in Colorado from the Further show sent ya. ;-)
This guy was a good example of me wishing that I was a female so that I could do nice things for a man who isn't gay. I wonder what my boyfriend would think if I was just giving out blowjobs willy nilly? Ha ha... I want to tell you what I like doing with my time! Ha ha...

And for those of you cumming in la, erm... I mean coming in late. (good save!), here's the blowjob song!

And today in Arvada Colorado it's very cloudy and it's going to rain. One of the coolest things for me to do is to read by the window while it rains and sip tea. I'm currently reading Stephen King's “It” and it's actually really, really good. Normally I don't give a flying Betty White what happens to his characters as long as it's gory and humiliating. But the back stories of the characters are actually pretty cool.
The last book of Stephen King's that I read was “Under The Dome.” I know, I know... The Simpsons did the idea first, but should I mention that they really just beat him to the punch. He had the story for years and it takes so long to put out a book so it sort of coincided with him doing the idea second. But man... He can write some fucked up characters! But the thing is though is that all the characters that I wanted to live did. I think this book has his second biggest body count right after “The Stand.” He smites three thousand fiction human beings by the end of the book.
I'll admit that I sort of didn't want to finish the book. It was just so fucking long! Albeit “It” is also more than a thousand pages... I suppose it's just because my copy of “Under the Dome” is the huge hardback of it. If I had the paperback of it it may have been a different story. What is it about paperback books that I love? I suppose it's the portability. Yeah. You can bring a book or a pad computer anywhere really. To be honest I have a few books on my phone. But the fucking thing's sensing sensors are on the fritz so the top right of the screen won't respond to my touch. Fucking technology. If only there was a way to communicate with just pen and paper?
Hrmm... I have shitty handwriting and I'm wasting it on not being a doctor. But I'd have to say that each day at the lot had their funny / uncomfortable moments. The first night there was this hippie chick who was fucked out of her noggin on mushrooms and was telling us shit like “When I was fifteen I came into this body. I was originally a boy but all of a sudden I'm in this chick's body and I want to get out of it. So I try shitting my soul out but that didn't work. Then I tried to vomit my soul out and that didn't work. It's really fucked up!” And me, being me, told her that she probably had a couple of the nearly endless list of possible mental health defects. But she told me that she was totally fucking serious so I just went back to my rocks.
Then the second day I met this fucked up redhead girl who kept wanting to touch me. I don't like to be touched by random people. At least that is the new David. I wonder where along the line I became this way? Actually I was always this way. When I turned twenty one I drank a lot, ergo I hugged a lot. I later found out that I was creeping the fuck out of all the hipsters... I feel really bad about that... Like this one time I shot up heroin in the Denver Public Library and I hugged the shit out of several passing people(s). I was promptly banned from the place from then on out... What a bummer. They told me that I could talk to the head of security. I was thinking about doing something like that. It's a good thing.
I suppose I'll just go back to my rocks...

*Pictures of rocks*

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Tall, Dark, and Legal

Tall Dark and Legal
By: David McGhee

Alex was totally getting some tonight. His girlfriend was in the bathroom putting in her retainer for the best plastic and metal on penis blow job Alex ever had. He waited eagerly in his bed room playing his X-Box. As far as what game he was playing, I couldn't tell you. I don't really care about all that video game shit. I'm more of an indie fan myself. Although I do enjoy the occasionally titties and explosions. Don't all men? Alex wondered what fags think about. He had always insisted that if he were to ever come out gay, he'd be a total man whore. He remembered one day a while ago when he was working the breakfast shift at Chick-fil-A when a young man of no more than fifty came to him and said “Congratulations on being tall. Chicks dig it!” And indeed they did. For one of the many hot female workers in the restaurant came up to him immediately after this awkward encounter and said “You're tall and thin. I'm short and thin. Our genitals are compatible."
So he whipped out his dick right there in front of all the customers and one old lady in the crowd up front gasped at the size of the man's tall person penis. It was way too normal looking to be on a man so tall. But he didn't care. He was six inches and proud of it.
Not really proud...
Six is good? Right?
Frowny face man...
Immediately another shorter dude who was a little chubby took off his pants and released his monstrosity of a reproductive organ upon the masses. The chick did a double take and promised the tall man that she would settle down with him. But she hads to gets hers somes big ole' cock. So she did. And it was good. She was so hot he came on her face.
The tall handsome man had reservations about whether or not to lick another man's sperm off of this chick's face. He felt that it would in some way make him a raging homo. But what if it did? Donny had a wonderful penis. Why not get it up the ass while he's at it?
“Pardon me, Donny” Alex said in his best Alex Trebeck impersonation. “But could you spare some cock a la Donny?” And Donny smiled. For he was about to get some tall man tight ass. He had never done a tall man before. Just midgets. And not men, because that would be totally gay, but female midgets. He did them and he split most of them in two from just thinking of fucking them. The idea gave Alex a hard on. He slicked back his short black spiky hair and licked his lips. Since his pants were already down he decided to bend over to pick up a spoon. So he threw a spoon on the floor. Not so much a spoon as it was a spork. A spork which had dried left over mayonnaise on it.
He picked it up and as planned he was corkscrewed. Oh he pretended to hate it. Even going so far as to call it rape. At least that's what he told the police. What he told the media was a far darker and much more interesting story.
He wound up suing Chick-fil-A for getting raped in their lobby by a short chubby dude with a gargantuan Donny dick. Because if it was a chick then that would have been totally cool bra. But it wasn't. It was that fact that a big fat throbbing penis that had penetrated his fragile person. He thrived on the media attention. Even though he was a guy, Lifetime wanted to make a movie of the week about him. “Not Without My Virginal Butthole: The Alex Clusterfux story” was a big success and pulled in fifty kajillion views on Youtube.
In fact they released the security footage onto the internet to damage the young Alex's reputation. There he was. So tall and muscular and shit and he's getting fucked in the ass by a short chubby pimply faced middle schooler with an unusually large man thing. You see, men over nine inches are in the two percentile of dudes. And Donny was in that two percent. And man how he fucked Alex.
Alex didn't realize it but he had started jacking off and he totally spaced that he was about to fill a girl's mouth with his Peter. It would probably hurt what with all the mouth gear she has. Did I mention she has braces too? Because she totally has them. The thought of metal scraping his fragile dick skin made him jack off even harder. He was precumming like a motherfucker and it lubed him pretty darn good.
Brittani (with an “i”) walked back into the room wearing his old high school football helmet. He used to force freshmen to watch him bang their mom by gun point. And when the occasional freshman would protest, Alex would sue him for having a slutty mom, which caused him irreparable emotional damage. Why after fucking your mom he had to go see a therapist to work out just how fat yo' mamma was when he plunged his Pauly Shore into her Martha Stewart. It's a good thing. But afterwords he had came inside her and, worried about her being all pregnant and shit, went up your fat mom's vagina and personally vacuumed out his man seed with a Hoover.
The thought of vacuuming made him moan with ecstasy as he rubbed it into his self so hard that he was leaving tread marks on his dick skin. Red hand prints that seemed to cry out “Ouch! You touched my uni!”
Alex wanted to go to Chick-fil-A and manage the shit out of the store. He would bang whoever was doing the register. Male or female, they both had butts. The idea of him raping the fifteen year old shy male guy kid person brought a smile on his face. Since he was taller than that boy, he was higher in the food chain. He called up the store and asked for Ricky. Ricky came to the phone and Alex was all like “Hey! Ricky bitch! Come over here so I can beat you up with my tall man fists.”
Ricky started to cry but Alex assured him that this is his lot in life. He's short and a loser and Alex is tall and thin and hot and he has the advantage here. You see, being bigger than someone else makes you their God. So Ricky had to obey his God. So he hung up the phone and with a sigh he got into his car and left on his way to Alex's house. More like an apartment. He's a manager but he still ain't making shit! But he does get to comp his friends when they eat at Chick-fil-A. Which is awesome because a fucking chiken sandwich is like five fucking dollars there!
Grrr... This make man mad. Alex man. He big man with strong, virile penis. He need pussy now because Goddammit ain't that what they're there for? God bless them. I mean really. Girls let guys poke them. I bet it feels good to have a dick inside there. Wait, Alex thought. Wait a second here... That would make him gay too!
No big loss. He is enough man to go for all genders. He is the sexy manager of Chick-fil-A who gets all the chicken sex he wants. You see, they let him go to the farms and fuck their chickens. The chickens love it! It makes their meat more moist. Oh... So wet...
As you can see the thought of fucking chickens has made Alex hard. Again. He looks around his room to try and find that girl he was with. What was her name? Awe he already forgot. Doesn't matter. He'll just call her Brandi (with an 'i') and slap her around with his little dude.
The door bell rang and he put on his roller skates. He skated down the stairs and promptly broke his collar bone. He asked God why, oh why did he let his child break his collar bone? And then God replied “Nigga! I ain't going to aid you in your man whoring ways!” And then Alex starts weeping like a little bitch. So God goes “Alright bitch. You a bitch. But you a bitch bitch.” and proceeded to heal his broken collar bone. Over the course of six weeks that is. See how God did that there? Taking credit for nature's wonder? Fuck science! I mean Fuck religion! And perhaps fuck God too! (f he's hot enough that is... I've personally never seen him outside of an acid trip)
Alex was in the middle of taking a massive shit when he heard the door bell ring. Again. Must be Ronny. Or Timmy. Or Raymond or whatever the fuck his name was. Alex wiped the redish brown shit off his asshole and washed his hands. Then he went and ruined it all by depressing the toilet bowl handle. The poop went round and round and the toilet ate it all up. Stupid toilets. All they do is eat poop and used needles.
Alex washed his hands again and went to answer the door. When he opened it he immediately went to put it back. For you see, there was a fucking Mormon at his door. He was all holding a Bible and shit and that wasn't going to fly with Alex. No way sir. God is a pervert who is with you when you poop or are being pooped on.
Alexy heard the door bell again and backed into the front door and fell down to his knees crying. Was he going to accept the lord to be his savior and all that shit? Was he about to take the blood and body of Christ and digest it? Absolutely... Um...
Alex answered the door again, but this time he was naked and sporting a hard on. The Mormon smiled and bent down on his knees to be at eye level with his schlong. He was all like “Good penis! Yes you're a good penis! Yes you are! Yes you are!” Alex cleared his throat, clearly wanting the attention to divert from his wonderfully proportioned man appendage and more to his strikingly good looks. Did I mention he has buck teeth? Because that would make him so fucking hot!
Holy shit I'm burning up!
I think I need a cigarette.
So I will leave you in the care of my imaginary friend Larry.
Larry, reader, reader, Larry.
Great. Now that you two know each other I can go have a smoke. Now you guys don't be going and having sex now! That's Alex's penis's job. For he is a tall and mighty Alex. He was just hired by a modeling agency to sell butt cream. He gave all of his sexiness in the ads. Oh how he squirmed and pretended to be slightly inconvenienced with hemorrhoids. Oh how we laughed like children! He was so good that even Prince Harry, the red haired one, the one who's not balding, he even bought some hemorrhoid cream from Alex here!
Speaking of Prince Harry. He once did a girl. No lie! He like, totally had red haired pube sex with a vagina. He totally dominated her because he's so big and manly. Oh man! Is it hot in here or is the oven on.
Oh. The oven. That's right! I was cooking something or other... Smoke break!
Now that that's over with. Alex, between modeling jobs, he manages this Chick-fil-A. Wait, I already told you that? Well, fuck you! You try writing a coherent story!
Which reminds me of this one dude named Sue. His father named him that so he would forever be someone's bitch in prison. The thought made Prince Harry cringe. Because he's like, totally straight and shit. No cock for Harry, no way siree! No cock... Not even his own meaty man meat. His nice thick warm man chowder all over Alex's brown haired chest. He's totally got some fur going on there. Both him and Prince Harry. Just to be fair, here is a picture of Prince Harry shirtless and scruffy.

And here's one of him in the water, being all tall and skinny and sexy red haired pubes!

Now isn't that nice? He's being all tall and skinny and red headed. For those of you with a Prince Hairy sexy sexy sex sex then look not further than! It's totally a real fucking site! And it really does have naked redhead men on it! Holy shit! Is it hot in here or is it still the oven? The one I have yet to turn off... Wait a second.
Now back to Prince Harry's underarm hair. It's red and it collects his sexy sex pheromones. Alex bets that Prince Harry's man musk makes him hard. Go Harry! Be all hairy! Man if only he would grow a great big red bushy beard. Then he would be the sex! Sex Prince Harry! Sex!!!
Smoke break!
Now that I'm back from my smoke break I feel like it's my duty to completely drain you. I bet Kurt Cobain had mental problems. He was totally a pot head too. You see, before he used heroin, he smoked pot. Since pot was illegal everywhere in the U.S. at that point in time. You see, if they had just let him smoke himself silly then we may just have had the greatest poop enthusiast to ever live stay with us a little longer. That is until Courtney Love actually killed him for not doing the dishes.
Kurt was smelly. I mean that in that he never showered. If I was rich enough to afford new clothes I'd wash myself, mostly. At least a few times a week. At least.
Alex? Oh yeah! He's still fucking the door man in his apartment building. Yeah, he got bored of me talking about how sexy Prince Harry is that he gone and fucked the door man. Which is confusing because he A: Alex lives in an apartment complex, and B: Alex is like, totally into chicks and shit. He had some fecal matter left over on his dick after he did the door man. The door man of an apartment complex. Come on people! Can't we just say that he fucked a group of Boyscouts here!? Because he is totally like a pedophile.
Well... Not really, you see he just fucked some kids to get him in prison. It turns out the only way he could get tail after realizing that he hadn't been fucked enough in life already, found amazing company in prison as a pedophile. Oh he was fucked here and there and everywhere! It was like a story book ending I swear!
Oh, except the part where Alex gets out of prison and has to register for the sex offender registry list. He now can't get a job or a decent place to live. The people who run his motel cheat and steal from him and this one guy keeps bumming cigarettes from him even though he doesn't smoke.
But I do. Smoke break!
So here I am with my hand... Not in a sexual way but more of a revolutionary way. I am like that Che dude only I'm short and white and don't have that great of a beard at the moment... But honestly I, I mean Alex, whom I'm projecting this onto, he totally can grow a mean ass man beard. In fact out of all the problems he had he had to go and grow a pedophile beard. Seriously. Why do people do that?
Oh and by the way. The sex was awful! I faked every orgasm!
Figure that one out and I'll give you a dollar.

*void in all fifty states and surrounding Earth*

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The many musings of David McGhee

The many musings of David McGhee
By: David McGhee

So anyways, today I hung out with Erin again. No... Actually that was yesterday. I began my day as always, to my alarm cock. It slapped me awake and reminded me that I was meeting Erin somewhere, somehow. And that I should getsa going already if I want to make this very important engagement. Not unlike the french movie “A Very Long Engagement,” where a lonely girlfriend of a soldier hears about how her big cocked, horny ass mother fucking boyfriend stuck it up her ass and stabbed in guts from the inside. Thrusting harder and harder he fucked, and fucked and fucked
Wait. No. Actually it's about this chick who has this man lover thing and he goes off to war and is reported dead. But this chick totally knows that he's alive. So she goes out and about and finds him. The end. Fucking awesome movie! If only there was more thrusting in it though...
But. Wait. How does this relate to me? I forgot. Anyways, we hung out at her place for a bit and smoked a cigarette. Then we went to the food bank and smoked a cigarette. Then we went over to my mental health provider to pick up my pills and smoke a cigarette. Then she basically said “fuck it.” and decided to come with me back to my place.
If you think that something happened, then you are correct. We had some pot lollipops and some flower and then we smoked a cigarette. I can't stress the cigarette smoking enough people!
Why do I smoke? Because I love waking up in the morning shivering and feeling a burning sensation from nicotine withdrawal. Oh yes. I like to smoke that first cigarette and get that amazing head rush! Before I smoked I thought you could only get that feeling hyperventilating into a paper bag. Boy those cigarette people are smart. Lobby the government to incriminate pot but allow them to sell highly addictive products. If you ask me they should outlaw liquor. Nothing good comes from it. But then again didn't we try that already? Fuck. I'd visit a speak easy. Just because it would be taboo. And I'm a bad ass. No really! I am! Sort of. I once ate a whole spicy taco. That's cool right?
Shut up! No one is talking to you!
No. Please don't go... I'm sowwy.
Smiley face el oh el
I would trade each and every one of you for a cigarette right now. I swear I wish I could go below two cigarettes a day.
Today we gots us some furniture. That's right bitches, I'm typing this on a desk sitting in a chair! Hurray for evicting people who don't pay their rent and have all their life's belongings put out on the street for scum like us to pick at it like a bunch of vultures! And I mean that too. If your stuff was to happen to be on your lawn and you weren't there to defend it, I'd take your big screen TV no big deal. I have very little time for most emotions. I found that feeling sorry for people takes way too much effort. I wish I was more technically inclined. I'd build a robot to feel sorry for the poor bastards of the world for me.
You see, I am the nouveau riche'. Or sort of. I got me two people living with me that I love and who are willing to split the rent with me. It's neato! For once I'm not worried about being exposed to crack and crack hoes. There was this one girl that came to the door at like three in the morning sometimes, waking Gary and I up (if we hadn't smoked too much crack that is...), and pissing Gary off. He would be all like “Unless you will fuck me I will not let you sleep here tonight.” I admired Gary for his sheer manliness. He was so rude and crude and just a bad ass dude. The kind of person that's total man but has absolutely nothing to show for anything in life. And who will continue to do so just as long as hookers and crack cocaine are freely available on west Colfax.
Yup. I wished I had his body but my intelligence. He was tall and hung and a total moron. Ancient Aliens? What in the flying cock of Michelangelo's David was that all about? I hate people who discount our elders just because they were from the past. Saying aliens built the pyramids is like a big cock slap to the face to those peeps who built the fucking thing. There is this one guy on there with a horrible tan and totally fried hair and he's always like “People made Stone Henge? I think not!” and then he goes on about how it's impossible to build a sto... Oh come on people! Are you that fucking retarded!?
My new book is coming along great! I should be done with it in a week or two. I'm going to make it available for free for the first month to build press for it and then switch it to ninety nine cents thereafter. I can't wait to make the cover. I was hoping to incorporate this picture in it somehow.

Oh look at me! My my my we gay guys be silly bitches. But I digress and raise you a five. Wait. We're not playing poker? Good because I ain't gonna do no stripp'n without a ring on this finger boy. Um... If you could see me in person I am holding my middle finger up. Not to you middle America. But to the Nazis! Filthy Jew killing Oven lovers. Did you know that more Jewish men and women die when a Jewish man jacks off than died in the Holocaust? I think some Jewish men are hot. I loves me some Hebrew National. Oh hells yes! It's weird how everyone on American sitcoms happen to be Jewish. If it's one big conspiracy then I say give me some more Channing Tatum! Yes I know he's not Jewish but... Just look at him! He's Channing fucking Tatum!!!

If you find me sticking out my ass in traffic then it is good for you to know that I'm trying to get my ass pheromones out and into the nose of Channing Tatum. So that he may wrestle me with his big man arms and tell me that he's going to fuck. Me. Up. And then proceeds to beat me mercifully. Dear God why is he hitting me so hard!? Holy fuck felching Christ this shit hurts! Why Channing Tatum? Why would you do this to somebody that only wanted your man bits in his poop maker. If it weren't for noble men like me there would be no cancer.
I mean. If I looked like Ryan Gosling I could cure cancer. It's a scientific fact that those puppy dog eyes and six pack make me precum. I'm only saying this because I want the world to know that I think Ryan Gosling should do things to me. Like hit beat me up. Again? No Ryan Gosling! Don't use your massive male meat to spread your warm man chowder all over my shirt! Ah God no! I just washed this shirt too... Oh fuck it's bleaching through it!
Fuck you Ryan Gosling! No jerking off on my chest unless I'm not wearing a shirt that I particularly care for. Awe... Those whore fucking puppy dog eyes make me forgive you.
Now. May I ask you to do it again. And put some stank on it!!!

If you were my friend, you'd beat me up again!
Just kidding. Stay in school kids!