Sunday, November 3, 2013

Grilled Cheese From Hades!

Grilled Cheese From Hades!
By: David McGhee

I am currently eating a delicious grilled cheese samich with four, count them, four apple slices. I owe all this and more to my best beau Franky Poo. He doesn't really poo all that much though. But I find that it fits.
More about the samich. It has been manufactured with pepper jack cheese. Some deliciously delicious gourmet white bread, and a panini press. Holy shit this is awesome!
I just ate my apples. I miss them now. Without apples how will I tame the fire in my mouth that will surely ensue if I ingest this wonderful piece of foodstuffs! Oh poor me.
I'm diving in now.
First bite: Crunchy and full of butter spread goodness. Oh! Oh! I can taste the pepper jack cheese now. It's so spicy! It wants me to eat more. I will keep you all informed as this major media event goes down.
Second bite: Well, I'm holding in there. I remember being little and eating grilled cheese samiches. Although I remember nothing about that ever happening. But I know it did. Perhaps David medicatedeth too much whilst a young boy? A young boy with jiggly!
Third bite: Okay dudes and bitches. Shit just got real. I'm like eating this samich and this dude on a bike comes by. He ain't all that pretty but I let him pass me just the same. Stupid not attractive bike riders.
Fourth bite: Then a tall, handsome bike rider came by and was all like “What's up?” I was all like “Nothin' homie.” And he was all “Coo.” And I was all like “Coo.” You know. Cause' we coo.
Fifth bite: I love it when Frank buys great cheese! It's totally real cheese too! I am thinking about making this a daily habit. That and bike shorts.
I would like to inform you more on my gastrothingy, but the time has come... For me to watch Monster's University! Hurray! I love free Redbox rentals. :-D
More on this in a few...
...Well. It's been one hundred and four minutes since starting that movie. And now I'm done. Monster's University was, flat out, not as good as the first one. Or the second one? It's a prequal. Meaning that it takes place before the first one. Something like that.
I was personally offended with this movie and it's lack of explicit monster sex. Plus where was the booze and drugs? Why when I was in college I did crack! It kinda got me some bad grades and shit... Crack and cocaine and heroin ruined my life. I like drugs because they are better than any other antidepressant or antipsychotic. I'm never sad on drugs, aside from when the cops bust me. That's always a buzzkill.
Now I don't even drink. I smoke the green stuff but so what? What are you my mom? Because if you were then you'd be dead. Why would a dead person read my blog? That's just gross.
Speaking of gross. Female pubes Eeewww...
I know what you are all thinking now. Why mention the pubes when there are three fingers being chewed on all day and night by Mrs. Vickie. Yes, Mrs. Vickie drank her high ball and always invited all the pizza men and milkman (They still exist!) into her living room. Where she'd drink more vodka and talk about how Roger don't know how to please a woman. What happens next is usually the guy's fault. I mean, she is pretty hot. So warm and pudding like...

I was reading Stephen King when I farted. His writing is very fart. If I could fart Stephen King I'd fart him about my fart and his book fart. It farted me so very much. :-)

Friday, November 1, 2013

October 31st 2013

October 31st 2013
By: David McGhee

12am: Still up from the day before. I was reading Nightmares and Dreamscapes by Stephen King. Notable short stories include Dolan's Cadillac, Home Delivery, and Suffer the Little Children.
The first story is about this dude who killed this dudes wife. So the dude becomes a construction worker so he can make detours and use the equipment to dig a hole in the road. Then the other dude who killed the other dude's wife goes in it and gets stuck. Then the good dude (good?) buries him alive. Then it sort of ends there. Something about years going by and him having pancakes with Jimmy Hoffa.
Suffer the Little Children was about this teacher who thinks her students are fucking with her. So instead of realizing she is a crazy bitch, she shoots the little people. Then of course the school and government officials get a bug up their ass and send her to the looney bin. Where she eventually kills herself. Something about a doctor noticing the kids with downs syndrome looking at him funny, and the end.
Home Delivery is about this dude going away to sea and drowning or some shit. And the girl in the narrator position talks ad nauseam about how he had a big dick or some shit like that. And then the man comes back to her as a zombie and she hacks him up.
I really want to read the Shawshank Redemption.

1am-3pm: I dream about cookies and panties and big ole' model boys.

3pm-4... Okay, enough of that shit

We spent the day doing jack shit and got no trick or treaters. What I wouldn't give to gets me some tall dark and legal! What? Yeah, I just switched subjects.
He works at this local chicken shack and apparently he's married. But that's only to a woman. I bet if I was given one night with him, I could make him into a sinner. He looks like a church boy. It would be cool if he was a major man whore though. Then he'd be fulfilling his evolutionary duty as an alpha male to inseminate as many females as he could during his fertile period, which would be puberty to seventy seven. What a fucking man whore! Or at least I wish. Imagine his man stuff acting as the mayonnaise on my chicken samich? Eeewww! Tall, Dark, and Legal he may be, but I always spit. Why in the hell did I even conjure that up!?

I'm turning my boyfriend onto this show on Netflix called “Supernatural.” I know it was on the CW before and... Um... Sam and Dean are awesome!!!
And shirtless. :-D
This is why no one will ever love me. :-(

Sam doesn't fuck as much as Dean does. But Dean is tall and manly just like Sam. But he uses his position in life to be a man whore. Like this one episode this little kid saw his father get killed. So Dean, being the man whore he is, helps the kid out and kills the monster and shows the kid that life is awesome. All just to get his dick wet in the mother. Oh you better believe she put out after shit like that! Hot damn! I want Dean spooge now...
From his pecker.

I had like five Butterfingers yesterday. I need to eat another one so it can be six. Even numbers are important to your health and safety. Why I even make sure that if I wake up on my right foot then I always go to sleep on my left. It's just common sense! Things like not stepping on cracks. It's not for your mother's benefit and it never was! It's all really a conspiracy from the sidewalk companies so that their sidewalks won't buckle and shit. But in reality you don't want to step on them because of the fucking panic attack that would ensue.
Your body gets sweaty.
Your mouth tastes like copper.
Suddenly all the other males want to kill you.
Why aren't I taller?
Ooh! Carrot cake! :-D
Mmm... Carrot crotch.

That was my bad, I thought I saw a rabbit. I saw a good amount of them when I went to the Miniature golfing place with Frank and Drew that one time. Fuckers went a second time without me. But I showed them!
No I didn't.
Oh well. I suppose I don't deserve love after all.
Yes I am high. But on pot. It's legal here in Colorady. As is wearing socks. I like wearing socks. I wonder what Tall, Dark, and Legal's feet look like? I'd be very upset if they weren't well taken care of. For if you are an alpha male, you must have good feet to chase after prey and smaller males. To kill and eat and beat your chest like an animal! FUCKING MAN WHORE!

Back to the book though. I'm reading this story in it now about this little black lady eats this handsome writer's spooge and then her son (whom she's quick with apparently...) grows up to be a successful author. I for one know that talent and good looks do not come from eating another man's spooge. Last time I try anything fun...

But let's get serious here for a second. I'm a really awful person. I wish everything about me would change. I have severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder and I know how to use it! Seriously, every other person on this big old rock and water ball are better people than me (as pictured above). I have this recurring dream where a good looking guy is showing off in front of his blond how he can be a dick to me. Then he stabs me repeatedly and kicks me until I stop breathing. All the while the girl is telling him how sexy he is. Then everything goes white. Then to black. And then for who know's how long until the dream ends, I feel not sadness. I wish I could get that just died feeling in pill form.