Sunday, October 21, 2012

Why Jason Voorhees Would Be the Perfect Republican Presidential Candidate

            With the upcoming elections, many republicans are starting to recant their endorsement for republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. A man who flip flops so much that we have not a clue for what he stands anymore. His foreign policy is laughable and his approval ratings are so bad that his party has resorted to massive voter fraud within the system. Yes he may hate blacks and Hispanics, but does that really make a good Republican presidential candidate?
            I say we ditch the loser and bring in a qualified ringer for the position. That person might as well be Jason Voorhees. Before you get all “but he’s a mad killer zombie!” on me, I should add some of his qualifications and such. Like the issues he stands for and what he will do for our country once elected the President of the United States.

Jason Voorhees on education – Normally, we see the cream of the crop up pitted against our masked messiah and Jason’s one saving grace is that they are all stupid. Everyone from your typical redneck to the recently released mental patient has been successful at reanimating him time and time again. If elected president, Jason will dismantle higher education and cut funding for K-12 schools. Just like any good Republican, he does not want his victims to be smarter than he is, lest they question why in the world one must go out and investigate after hearing blood curdling scream in the woods. Being educated means questioning Jason’s thirty plus year tenure as America’s number one homicidal maniac. Without the uneducated masses, he would have no power over anybody. So as far as education is concerned, Jason will slash the funding and decapitate our youth.

Jason Voorhees on the economy – Seeing as Jason is an eighty’s man, he still looks back and follows the standards that Reagan has put into effect. Jason will deregulate the shit out of everything, ensuring the livelihood of the corporate sector. Jason will not bail out businesses that are failing or do not donate money to the Republican Party. He is a man of his word and his word is not a word, but heavy breathing. Heavy breathing like the heavy hand that Obama has laid out for the American people; Jason will break that hand and slide a harpoon in the hand owner’s spleen. That is how a true American patriot would act, and Jason Voorhees is a true American patriot.

Jason Voorhees on abortion and capital punishment – Jason is obviously as pro-life as they come seeing as he has yet to kill an unborn child. Some may take this as him going soft but we conservatives know that he is just biding his time until they reach adolescents, in which time comes up the issue of capital punishment. As any good Republican will tell you, a man who breaks the law in any little way deserves to be sent to hell (Unless it involves a conservative and a seventeen year old male intern in the rumpus room at the Pink Pony, then it’s merely a matter of sending them back to heterosexual boot camp). If president, Jason Voorhees will use his will and power to make sure that all pot users and pre-marital sex doers get their just deserts.

Jason Voorhees on legalization of marijuana – Um… He hates it. Jason does not want our youth dying of lung cancer before he has had the chance to carve them into beef fillet strips. However, he is pro big tobacco. He insists that all Americans smoke after pre-marital sex and after a good day at your high income producing corporate law firm. After all, it’s pretty safe in comparison.

Jason Voorhees on civil and gay rights – Just like any conservative worth his salt, he will make it so that these pesky little problems will get killed within the first twenty minutes of his presidency.

Jason Voorhees on space exploration – Obviously he’s a fan, one of the few Republicans who think that there is much to learn, and kill, in space.

Jason Voorhees on foreign policy – Upon his election, Jason Voorhees will impale most of the United Nations and make it so that only the tallest and handsomest of the bunch will get away and thus, allowing themselves to be killed in the sequel. Also as President of the United States Jason will invade peace time countries and whip out his dick to show all those foreign pussies how big his American made cock really is, before stabbing them all to death.

Jason Voorhees on big business – Jason will make sure that our American produced kitchen wear will be the best in the world, personally trying out each and every knife produced here.

            After knowing the facts, do you really think Mitt Romney was the wisest choice given our options? For this writer, the answer is no. I appeal to you, my good conservatives, to recant your allegiance to the Romney camp and divert all funding towards Jason / Freddy 2012. Do not let your vote be wasted on somebody who will actually do a worse job than our favorite movie villain. So this November, in the write in slot, vote Jason. He just may let you live.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

My day back down on south Broadway.

                I used to go out a lot. I was pretty well known by the old scene crowd (although some over thirty elitists would disagree on the decade in which said old scene occurred. I’m looking at you Tom!) so when I got a little bit of money together I decided to go back down on south Broadway to the old hang out spots. It had been planned the week before with my best pal Erin; I’d buy this week if she would buy the next.
                It was a sunny Friday afternoon and to be honest I was pissed off that it had not been cooler that day. I prefer to dress up in as many layers as I can normally. Stupid weather…
 As I waited at the bus stop with Erin and her daughter Victoria I began to notice all the cracks in the sidewalk surrounding me and the anxiety was showing in my face. Erin looks over at me and begins to laugh. Apparently my little quirks amuse her. Well, better that than her being freaked out by me, which happens more often than not.
                The 0 bus came up to its stop on seventeenth and California and the two were up and ready to get on the bus, but I slowed things down by avoiding all the cracks in the ground. I do this when I’m nervous; I haven’t been down in that area in so very long. It felt like I was going to an intervention or something. I was just expecting Matt and Allison to just show up and give me lip about my three drink limit at Sputnik. It’s really not all that bad and it’s most likely in my best interests. But I just didn’t want to hear it that day though.
                The bus dropped us off on Ellsworth and Broadway and it all immediately flooded back to me. The place where Fancy Tiger was was once the home of Chielle. That was a cool place. Old time scenesters Sara Tea, Wendy Marlow, and Alisa Dowel used to own it until they went their separate ways and moved to east Colfax and then to that great boutique shop in the sky. I liked Sara Tea. I once wrote a song about her and everyone always asked why I would list such horrible drug substances in the chorus. It had nothing to do with her. It was just some of the things that I had tried to get my frequent migraines to go away; Percoset, alcohol, vicoden and cocaine. Although I wouldn’t recommend the latter because you will only want more and the high goes away after you’ve been doing it for a week. Plus it’s freaking expensive!
                Instead of telling kids that they shouldn’t do drugs their parents should just make them buy them with their own money. Sheesh!
                Anyways… We got off at our stop and head toward Go Fish on the right side of Sputnik. It’s a very good sushi place and cheap at that. If only they gave out hot towels and had wasabi bloody Marys it would be the totes! Erin and I had a cigarette while Victoria fidgeted around the entrance until we were ready. Once inside the waiter sat us at an outside table and gave us the menu and drink list. Erin had made me promise that I was going to have sake. I decided to go all out and ordered pineapple sake with some sort of honey beer. Both were disgusting but I drank them up anyways, for Erin’s sake of course. Then I drank hers and we ordered more and by the time the sushi was ordered I was pretty hammered. The proof in this pudding had to be the amount of sushi I had ordered. When it came Erin and I were speechless. Victoria pointed at me and started laughing about how much of a drunk I am. I had ordered a fucking party tray it seemed, a very, very expensive party tray.
                But life is too short to waste time grumbling about stupid and delicious decisions.
                The only cure for this was more sake. By the time we finished I had two to go boxes and an itch to go over to Mutiny Now across the street and pillage books like a literary Viking, sans the rape of course. As I signed my name on my card receipt and the waiter brought over three complementary glasses of sake, Erin and I were dumbstruck because Victoria was underage, although she was just fourteen she could easily pass for twenty one. At least now I suppose she could. Wow…
                What happened next is a source of controversy amongst us consenting adults and one adolescent. After all that jazz we headed off to Mutiny Now and I think I bought a Chuck Palahniuk book. I can’t really remember because I have so many books and I was drunk at the time. That could explain where this book about male hookers getting raped to death with dildos came from. I probably asked the owner for a recommendation or something. So far I’m at the part where the psychiatrist bangs a tranny.
                When that was over we went back across the street and into Sputniks. I was hoping to see someone I knew so I began investigating while my two female friends found a spot at the bar. To no avail I went back outside and saw that the Hi Dive was open. I didn’t want to abandon my friends but I wanted to see if I could find someone I knew. Going in was like a flash back to the old times. I can’t even begin to describe the many times I have fallen off that stage drunk… It was empty anyway except for Nathanial Radcliff and his group of two. That familiar adrenalin rush went through my head and with a smile on my face I went up to him and say what’s up.
                I got up near him at the bar; he still wasn’t paying any attention to me so I tapped his shoulder and got his attention.
                And this is what I said… “I hate you.”
                Nate laughed and slapped me on my back and asked how I’ve been. I told him that I had been diagnosed with Aspergers and that’s why I am so out there. He didn’t believe me at first but I said it a second time and he said “Whatever”, which is the best response that one could hope for with this guy. And with a smile and a heavy heart I left them be. I had nothing more to say to him and he was trying to mack on his woman so I came back to Sputnik and sat at the bar beside my friends. The bartender came up, a cute guy with a hipster beard, and asked us what we wanted to drink. Erin wanted to get the fruitiest girl drink they had and he gave her something that looked like it had been aborted by a gay pineapple. I forgot the exact name but it was definitely stronger than my white Russian. So when I finished that I ordered a long island and told the guy to cut me off after three drinks. I got my long island and started to bullshit with the bartender. After a while I asked him if he remembered me but he said no. It will take me a little while to get used to this new scene.
                Whilst drunken off my ass I decided to whip out Erin’s laptop and do my psych homework. I would have gotten a ninety if I hadn’t listened to her… And in my drunken stupor I accused her as being everything that is wrong with my life. But this was remedied with a few more sips of her strange brew. Then all was good again.
                After that it was pretty much a blur. A cab was called and I think I left a ten dollar tip for the bartender with the cute butt; he in turn hugged me with his big manly hipster arms. Either way it was a good time for all involved.
                The next morning I awoke in my underwear with no sheets on and the sushi to go containers had been left out on the floor from the night before. With a moment’s hesitation I started to eat said contents. A little day old raw fish never hurt nobody.

…At least nobody I know of.