Sunday, October 6, 2013

Getting my Rocks Off at the Natural History and Science Museum

Getting my Rocks Off at the Natural History and Science Museum
By: David McGhee

As per usual, I woke up and brushed my teeth. Frank has got me doing that a lot more and I hate to say but it's brought up some positive self esteem in me, methinks. Obligatory X-Rated morning stuff ensued until we were both in bed in each other's arms telling each other “I love you” and “No, I love you more!” until it escalated into a whole on fist fight between Frank and I. Punches were thrown and Jell-O was eaten and generally a good time was had by all.
I have the bestest best friend in the whole world! Her name is Erin and she's a super cool awesome girly girl rock metal awesome poo stain free female! :-D
I know I'm not supposed to use emotocons in blog posts... At least I think so? Who in the fuck wrote these rules anyways!?
Anyways, here's a pic of my beloved friendly friend Erin!

We met at the methadone clinic back in 2009 I believe? Maybe. I'll have to ask her. But it was a frosty March morning or something and I had just taken my Suboxone, because I had to take it in front of a nurse, stupid probation, and I heard this wonderful southern drawl being produced by this pint sized flesh rocket. I smiled and, me being me, I introduced myself. She said later that she was certain I was going to do something bad to her. But that feeling passed when she found out that I'm just that nice to everyone. I suppose sometimes I can come off as a little much. Well... Actually a lot. I know a number of people who have been pissed off at me because of the things I've said. And the worst part is that I didn't mean any harm.
It seems like every post I make on Facebook gets bashed and shit. I'm switching over to Twitter. What's that you say? You want to follow me? Sure! Awesome!
Smiley face.
Here's my Twitter linky mabobber! -
Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about slutty tall people. I learned in college psychology that height correlates with temper. So the taller you are the more likely you'll be aggressive. And if you are I say good for you. Be a total tall skinny man whore. Just avoid all those damn dick diseases. You are beautiful. Now I just have one thing to ask you... Could I cut you off at the knees so we can be the same height? I would cut off my legs, but that would just make me shorter than I already am.
Dammit! I want to be skinny again. Skinny like this:

I remember I used to call myself fat and I could fit into a fucking child's large t-shirt! It was all that fucking flap of loose skin on my lower belly. Fucking skin. I hope it rots off and leaves a perfectly washboarded version of myself. That would be cool. Too bad you can't take any pills to get thinner. Well you can... But we call those amphetamines my dear. Bad stuff.
I tried an Aderall one time. Fucking thing gave me the best night's sleep I've ever had! I know, I know, uppers are supposed to make you go up and downers are supposed to make you go down. But in my world, that is “Davidland,” there are no such things as common side effects. Like when I shoot up heroin, I get a burst of energy and all I want to do is run and bake cookies. But with a nice shot of cocaine I become somber and the world is right, if a little frightening. I definitely don't miss the paranoia of crack.
I remember being with my former roommate, Gary, and he got me into smoking crack. I've long since stopped but damn was that a good drug! Actually not good in a good way but in a functional junkie way it was awesome! Although I never could be a functional addict. I always wound up imprisoned or in the emergency for an over dose. Ever had Narcan shot into you while you're on the nod? Fucking hell! It's like a really fat guy is sitting on your chest and your blood has been replaced with ice water! Fucking A man. But I suppose it has saved my life more times than not...
I believe that those who have loved ones and those who are currently using should all have access to Narcan. I mean, what if you overdose and the ambulance is taking too long? Or such things. I believe that people should be trained in how to administer it too. They do this shit in Canada. Stupid Republicans making drug addicts out to be horrible people. Okay, we sort of are, but give me a break will ya. I did a lot of cocaine.
Anyways, we picked up Erin and made our way to the museum of nature and science. Along the way we picked up some delicious McDonald's Frappe's and sweet tea. I loves me some sweet tea! When I moved in with Frank and Drew they always had (and still have!) a shit ton of sweet tea. I swear I haven't had that since I was in Georgia. Yeah. People in Colorado don't put sugar in their tea. I mean... What the fuck!?
Smiley face.
When we got to the museum I took out my trusty camera phone and took these wonderful pictures of precious stones! Did you know that I'm a collector? No? Really? I'm sure I've mentioned it a bazillion times before? Whatever man. No YOU'RE a doodie head!!!
And here's a Mars rover for no discernible reason.

Actually I suppose it is relevant... They just found actual honest to God water up there! But with the government shutdown no one will know for a long time whether or not it contains any microbacterial life. A dude can dream can't he? Imagine aliens... The thing is that if there is life on Mars then it's either super safe because it's DNA isn't like ours in anyway, or it is super dangerous and will kill the entire Earth on contact.
Either way I'm getting a hot dog tonight. Meh.
Beotch. Here's some pictures of beautiful rocks!

Enjoy and have a happy fourth of July. :-D

I mean, smiley face.
A picture perfect day at the museum. I swear I'm addicted to rock now!

And now I leave you with my new rock!

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