Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I smoked crack!

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that crack will drain your bank account. Seriously, it will fucking grow little crack rock legs, hold you up for your wallet, and go and commit fucking identity theft on your ass! One has to wonder just what could crack do with four thousand dollars? Probably cash it out in pennies and go to the strip club and make it “hail.”
I always thought of it as something I would never try. Sure I've mainlined and smoked all the major drugs, but this one had always eluded me until about the last six months into my seven year long battle with substances both great and small (Ever see a kilo of ANYTHING in your life?). I'd always equate it to that of a heavy meth user. Rotten teeth and mouth, eyes that bug out, hollow cheeks.

Hmm... I've just described every addiction basically.

I have no resentment towards myself for the past I had. It was like the poor man's version of backpacking through Europe. But crack was just sooooooooooooooo easy to get living down on Colfax!
I just found a new roommate and he sort of joked about using crack at first. Then when he pulled the glass rose out I was all like... Sure. Why not? And I fucking smoked crack.
The thing was, I couldn't stop! It was like a the opposite of heroin and I apparently had an inhuman tolerance to the drug because my little hotel room became a little crack den.
To be perfectly honest. Crack is awesome. But it becomes you the way all hard drugs eventually do. You wake up and say “I want some crack!” You obsess out it. You can't enjoy anything else but crack. You can't do anything but eat, sleep, and think crack. It sucks and I realized this early on.

I just wanted to keep doing crack.

Why should I have cared? I had nobody but a friend struggling with her own demons and a mooch roommate sharing a queen sized bed with me in that little shanty. So I didn't really care about what happened to me. I'd fucked up my life thus far. Why bother changing now?

Until I met Frank of course. He won't let me do crack now. In a way I appreciate that very much. I love my life with him. He is one awesome dude. :-)

Friday, May 16, 2014

Why Penises are Awesome!

It's awesome having a penis. Am I right fellas? Penises are just great. I like many varieties of penises. Small, medium, and large. Although larger ones are harder to get in your poop hole... People always want a big penis but I say that I think all penises are awesome.

Have a micro penis? Awesome! Hung like Mr Ed? Erm... Good for you!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Both uninspired and bored. Things have gotten better. I've been seeing more penises lately. It's been a good few months.

My new band just made a new album. We are The Vanilla Milkshakes and our new album is called “How to Ruin Friendships and Influence Douche Bags.” You can hear it here: and then buy it on iTunes! It's that awesome! Or buy it from Bandcamp. Either way it's cool.

My favorite song on the album is “Dance! Robot! Dance!” but everyone else likes “Kreep” and “At Odds With God.” Also “Brand New Sound” is also a goodie!

Other than that, I've been thinking about penises lately. Many of them. All side by side and shaking each others hand. I'd go to a nude beach but there'd just be a bunch of unattractive people there. Why don't nudists work out?

Oh yeah. I've started to work out. Going to be all sexy and skinny for the sex and skinny that will come about this summer. Fifty push ups and sit ups a day to start off. Plus some jogging. I feel tight everywhere. I just want to look good naked. Maybe go to a nude beach and show them old folks how it's done.