Saturday, October 22, 2011

Five of the shittiest cover songs ever recorded.

Sometimes some band records somebody else’s song and it turns out to be just the end all of awesomeness!  Contenders of the best bands who do good cover renditions include The Offspring (The Buzzcocks – Autonomy), Alien Ant Farm (Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson), Korn (Word Up! – Cameo) and Green Day (Pretty much every song they cover is noteworthy. I think their fame is due to how his voice sounds. He is aggressive sounding but it comes off like a little kid throwing a vocal fit in key to pleasurable (generally bland and unoffensive  songs that keep the people coming back because almost every one of their hits sound like their older hits. I feel this has been going on since Dookie when their producer probably told them “This song sounds better than your other songs! Make more just like this so at least you’ll have some decent hummable yet commercial songs! Remember it’s verse / chorus / verse OK? ;-) ). Yeah. I bet that producer was one of those industry types who masquerade as cool because he knows of less popular bands and pays attention to their songs so they can pretend like they give flying fuck about people who can’t personally make him money!
Wow… Where did that come from I wonder? Sometimes I can surprise even myself! Like just the other day I was all like “Dude… I can do algebra now! Did I used to have a brain tumor and now it’s gone?”. Seriously. I used to suck that much at math.
But less talky talky about math and more talky talky about bands who either fucked up a song by another band or they always fucking ruin your youth’s favorite tunes! Goddamn them!

Ah shit son, here it comes!

Sheryl Crow – Sweet Child Of Mine (Guns And Roses)
I really don’t have a lot of good feelings for this rendition if for anything she left out the jingly riff that was like the catchiest part of the original song! It sounds boring as fuck and it’s almost like she’s singing to a retarded fat camp child who needs to only hear a soothing motherly voice because they just fall apart at the slightest thing! Fuck those kids are annoying! I should know because I’ve been to places like that so I can be completely honest in saying that they are like prisons for stupid little people!
Plus what made Guns And Roses’ version so damn awesome was that it rocked! I mean it was danceable, heavy, and I can really never imagine anyone but Axl singing it. They were awesome because not only were they talented and unique for their time but each one of them had a recognizable style!
Slash played solos that almost sounded like vocals at times, and everything was just super catchy. Even the faster solos made melodic since while other metal bands were doing stupid solos that really were neither catchy nor really sounded like they even belonged in the same song! Early Metallica feels that way to me or really even Anthrax.  I don’t remember any songs from Canible Corpse off the top of my head but they were always good at making death metal with cool solos. Proving that it can be done!
So yeah… Slash is purdy keewl…
Plus you have Axl’s one of a kind voice with a bass player who was in many punk bands before Guns And Roses and made really sharp and melodic lines ala The Descendants and Operation Ivy.
Basically what I am trying to say is… Sheryl Crow, do this again and I can’t be held accountable for the mild tantrum that I will throw in the privacy of my own home!

Godhead – Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles)
First off, if you are going to cover the Beatles there has to be some realistic expectations as to what the hell you’re getting your band and career into. I actually did the heavy guitars in place of violins but the whole feeling of the song is just too out of step and instead of hearing a sad song that tells a tragic story you get a rendition that sounds like Danzig was reading off his grocery list when the guy sings!
I have never even seen another video by these guys, suggesting that they betted their whole livelihood on recording and releasing a freaking Beatles song! Last time I checked, nobody can not sound like a totally dick head when they try to play any Beatles song!
It’s sort of like trying to sound like Mike Patton or some influence instead of yourself and basically pissing off everyone who ever spent money on your shitty music. The worst part about this is that they did do their own spin on it. How can something so personalized sound so much like a first year guitar player trying to sound serious and scary when he really just sounds like he’s high on some sort of downer or has issues with speaking correctly…
This band is also disappointing on another level because they were on Marilyn Manson’s personal record label. You’d think at least to get something at least hummable from anything associated with a mainstream artist, right? Marilyn Manson must know dick about when to keep his mouth shut while one of his bands records something I believe. Either that or he just saw the name Godhead and got a boner at the idea of signing a band who could mildly irritate or perturb his dreaded Christian adversaries.
I can’t stress enough how lazy and stupid they sound when they are being all scary and crap. Imagine those kids who you went to school who all wore black every day, and imagine how stupid they looked. Especially that one thirty year old looking kid who looked like he was always too normal to wear black lipstick you know?
That stuff freaked me out!

Faster Pussycat – You’re so Vain (Carly Simon)
I think this band misses the point of the original so many times in their version that it starts to feel like you are actually listening to a faster and more vocal pussycat trying desperately to avoid being comedic. This song just doesn’t work with a hair metal arrangement I would imagine.
The whole bit about a hair band even doing a song about being conceded sort of makes the whole space continuum rip just an inch I bet!
I don’t have a lot to say about this because as I get further into this the songs just keep getting worse and I’m losing patience by just thinking about them!

The Cure – Don’t Believe a Word (Thin Lizzy)
First off, it seems like any band in the eighties who wanted a single tended to feel like a Thin Lizzy song will be an easy buck. Almost every heavy band during that time actually did this on at least one of their albums! (Quiet Riot did two.)
Thin Lizzy is hard to mess up because it’s just really fun sounding music, but when you have it coming out of the mouth of somebody as completely sane and happy as Robert Smith, then it really sounds more like somebody who just has to stop the party for everyone he comes in contact with. He has all the excitement of a funeral director!

Justin Bieber – Love Me (Original song they sampled from was Love Fool by The Cardigans)
This isn’t really a cover in the traditional since. It would be something to the effect of a fucking full on rip off of The Cardigens “Love Fool”. Everything is sampled from that song, EVERYTHING! And to add insult to this lazy self-induced injury is the fact that Justin Bieber is just so damn worthless as a human being and he’s not even going to put the effort into at least trying to make a different song out of it instead of just changing the lyrics and adding a dance beat to the background! Fuck that guy!
Also another reason this song pisses me off is because he’s eighteen now, five foot three, and he just has one of those faces you just want to beat the shit out of!

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so angry about anyone like this ever? If I feel this way imagine what his fans will do when they grow older than twelve!

Further proof that Justin Bieber is an asshole:

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