Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The many musings of David McGhee

The many musings of David McGhee
By: David McGhee

So anyways, today I hung out with Erin again. No... Actually that was yesterday. I began my day as always, to my alarm cock. It slapped me awake and reminded me that I was meeting Erin somewhere, somehow. And that I should getsa going already if I want to make this very important engagement. Not unlike the french movie “A Very Long Engagement,” where a lonely girlfriend of a soldier hears about how her big cocked, horny ass mother fucking boyfriend stuck it up her ass and stabbed in guts from the inside. Thrusting harder and harder he fucked, and fucked and fucked
Wait. No. Actually it's about this chick who has this man lover thing and he goes off to war and is reported dead. But this chick totally knows that he's alive. So she goes out and about and finds him. The end. Fucking awesome movie! If only there was more thrusting in it though...
But. Wait. How does this relate to me? I forgot. Anyways, we hung out at her place for a bit and smoked a cigarette. Then we went to the food bank and smoked a cigarette. Then we went over to my mental health provider to pick up my pills and smoke a cigarette. Then she basically said “fuck it.” and decided to come with me back to my place.
If you think that something happened, then you are correct. We had some pot lollipops and some flower and then we smoked a cigarette. I can't stress the cigarette smoking enough people!
Why do I smoke? Because I love waking up in the morning shivering and feeling a burning sensation from nicotine withdrawal. Oh yes. I like to smoke that first cigarette and get that amazing head rush! Before I smoked I thought you could only get that feeling hyperventilating into a paper bag. Boy those cigarette people are smart. Lobby the government to incriminate pot but allow them to sell highly addictive products. If you ask me they should outlaw liquor. Nothing good comes from it. But then again didn't we try that already? Fuck. I'd visit a speak easy. Just because it would be taboo. And I'm a bad ass. No really! I am! Sort of. I once ate a whole spicy taco. That's cool right?
Shut up! No one is talking to you!
No. Please don't go... I'm sowwy.
Smiley face el oh el
I would trade each and every one of you for a cigarette right now. I swear I wish I could go below two cigarettes a day.
Today we gots us some furniture. That's right bitches, I'm typing this on a desk sitting in a chair! Hurray for evicting people who don't pay their rent and have all their life's belongings put out on the street for scum like us to pick at it like a bunch of vultures! And I mean that too. If your stuff was to happen to be on your lawn and you weren't there to defend it, I'd take your big screen TV no big deal. I have very little time for most emotions. I found that feeling sorry for people takes way too much effort. I wish I was more technically inclined. I'd build a robot to feel sorry for the poor bastards of the world for me.
You see, I am the nouveau riche'. Or sort of. I got me two people living with me that I love and who are willing to split the rent with me. It's neato! For once I'm not worried about being exposed to crack and crack hoes. There was this one girl that came to the door at like three in the morning sometimes, waking Gary and I up (if we hadn't smoked too much crack that is...), and pissing Gary off. He would be all like “Unless you will fuck me I will not let you sleep here tonight.” I admired Gary for his sheer manliness. He was so rude and crude and just a bad ass dude. The kind of person that's total man but has absolutely nothing to show for anything in life. And who will continue to do so just as long as hookers and crack cocaine are freely available on west Colfax.
Yup. I wished I had his body but my intelligence. He was tall and hung and a total moron. Ancient Aliens? What in the flying cock of Michelangelo's David was that all about? I hate people who discount our elders just because they were from the past. Saying aliens built the pyramids is like a big cock slap to the face to those peeps who built the fucking thing. There is this one guy on there with a horrible tan and totally fried hair and he's always like “People made Stone Henge? I think not!” and then he goes on about how it's impossible to build a sto... Oh come on people! Are you that fucking retarded!?
My new book is coming along great! I should be done with it in a week or two. I'm going to make it available for free for the first month to build press for it and then switch it to ninety nine cents thereafter. I can't wait to make the cover. I was hoping to incorporate this picture in it somehow.

Oh look at me! My my my we gay guys be silly bitches. But I digress and raise you a five. Wait. We're not playing poker? Good because I ain't gonna do no stripp'n without a ring on this finger boy. Um... If you could see me in person I am holding my middle finger up. Not to you middle America. But to the Nazis! Filthy Jew killing Oven lovers. Did you know that more Jewish men and women die when a Jewish man jacks off than died in the Holocaust? I think some Jewish men are hot. I loves me some Hebrew National. Oh hells yes! It's weird how everyone on American sitcoms happen to be Jewish. If it's one big conspiracy then I say give me some more Channing Tatum! Yes I know he's not Jewish but... Just look at him! He's Channing fucking Tatum!!!

If you find me sticking out my ass in traffic then it is good for you to know that I'm trying to get my ass pheromones out and into the nose of Channing Tatum. So that he may wrestle me with his big man arms and tell me that he's going to fuck. Me. Up. And then proceeds to beat me mercifully. Dear God why is he hitting me so hard!? Holy fuck felching Christ this shit hurts! Why Channing Tatum? Why would you do this to somebody that only wanted your man bits in his poop maker. If it weren't for noble men like me there would be no cancer.
I mean. If I looked like Ryan Gosling I could cure cancer. It's a scientific fact that those puppy dog eyes and six pack make me precum. I'm only saying this because I want the world to know that I think Ryan Gosling should do things to me. Like hit beat me up. Again? No Ryan Gosling! Don't use your massive male meat to spread your warm man chowder all over my shirt! Ah God no! I just washed this shirt too... Oh fuck it's bleaching through it!
Fuck you Ryan Gosling! No jerking off on my chest unless I'm not wearing a shirt that I particularly care for. Awe... Those whore fucking puppy dog eyes make me forgive you.
Now. May I ask you to do it again. And put some stank on it!!!

If you were my friend, you'd beat me up again!
Just kidding. Stay in school kids!

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