Tall Dark and Legal
By: David McGhee
Alex was totally getting some tonight. His girlfriend was in the bathroom putting in her retainer for the best plastic and metal on penis blow job Alex ever had. He waited eagerly in his bed room playing his X-Box. As far as what game he was playing, I couldn't tell you. I don't really care about all that video game shit. I'm more of an indie fan myself. Although I do enjoy the occasionally titties and explosions. Don't all men? Alex wondered what fags think about. He had always insisted that if he were to ever come out gay, he'd be a total man whore. He remembered one day a while ago when he was working the breakfast shift at Chick-fil-A when a young man of no more than fifty came to him and said “Congratulations on being tall. Chicks dig it!” And indeed they did. For one of the many hot female workers in the restaurant came up to him immediately after this awkward encounter and said “You're tall and thin. I'm short and thin. Our genitals are compatible."
So he whipped out his dick right there in front of all the customers and one old lady in the crowd up front gasped at the size of the man's tall person penis. It was way too normal looking to be on a man so tall. But he didn't care. He was six inches and proud of it.
Not really proud...
Six is good? Right?
Frowny face man...
Immediately another shorter dude who was a little chubby took off his pants and released his monstrosity of a reproductive organ upon the masses. The chick did a double take and promised the tall man that she would settle down with him. But she hads to gets hers somes big ole' cock. So she did. And it was good. She was so hot he came on her face.
The tall handsome man had reservations about whether or not to lick another man's sperm off of this chick's face. He felt that it would in some way make him a raging homo. But what if it did? Donny had a wonderful penis. Why not get it up the ass while he's at it?
“Pardon me, Donny” Alex said in his best Alex Trebeck impersonation. “But could you spare some cock a la Donny?” And Donny smiled. For he was about to get some tall man tight ass. He had never done a tall man before. Just midgets. And not men, because that would be totally gay, but female midgets. He did them and he split most of them in two from just thinking of fucking them. The idea gave Alex a hard on. He slicked back his short black spiky hair and licked his lips. Since his pants were already down he decided to bend over to pick up a spoon. So he threw a spoon on the floor. Not so much a spoon as it was a spork. A spork which had dried left over mayonnaise on it.
He picked it up and as planned he was corkscrewed. Oh he pretended to hate it. Even going so far as to call it rape. At least that's what he told the police. What he told the media was a far darker and much more interesting story.
He wound up suing Chick-fil-A for getting raped in their lobby by a short chubby dude with a gargantuan Donny dick. Because if it was a chick then that would have been totally cool bra. But it wasn't. It was that fact that a big fat throbbing penis that had penetrated his fragile person. He thrived on the media attention. Even though he was a guy, Lifetime wanted to make a movie of the week about him. “Not Without My Virginal Butthole: The Alex Clusterfux story” was a big success and pulled in fifty kajillion views on Youtube.
In fact they released the security footage onto the internet to damage the young Alex's reputation. There he was. So tall and muscular and shit and he's getting fucked in the ass by a short chubby pimply faced middle schooler with an unusually large man thing. You see, men over nine inches are in the two percentile of dudes. And Donny was in that two percent. And man how he fucked Alex.
Alex didn't realize it but he had started jacking off and he totally spaced that he was about to fill a girl's mouth with his Peter. It would probably hurt what with all the mouth gear she has. Did I mention she has braces too? Because she totally has them. The thought of metal scraping his fragile dick skin made him jack off even harder. He was precumming like a motherfucker and it lubed him pretty darn good.
Brittani (with an “i”) walked back into the room wearing his old high school football helmet. He used to force freshmen to watch him bang their mom by gun point. And when the occasional freshman would protest, Alex would sue him for having a slutty mom, which caused him irreparable emotional damage. Why after fucking your mom he had to go see a therapist to work out just how fat yo' mamma was when he plunged his Pauly Shore into her Martha Stewart. It's a good thing. But afterwords he had came inside her and, worried about her being all pregnant and shit, went up your fat mom's vagina and personally vacuumed out his man seed with a Hoover.
The thought of vacuuming made him moan with ecstasy as he rubbed it into his self so hard that he was leaving tread marks on his dick skin. Red hand prints that seemed to cry out “Ouch! You touched my uni!”
Alex wanted to go to Chick-fil-A and manage the shit out of the store. He would bang whoever was doing the register. Male or female, they both had butts. The idea of him raping the fifteen year old shy male guy kid person brought a smile on his face. Since he was taller than that boy, he was higher in the food chain. He called up the store and asked for Ricky. Ricky came to the phone and Alex was all like “Hey! Ricky bitch! Come over here so I can beat you up with my tall man fists.”
Ricky started to cry but Alex assured him that this is his lot in life. He's short and a loser and Alex is tall and thin and hot and he has the advantage here. You see, being bigger than someone else makes you their God. So Ricky had to obey his God. So he hung up the phone and with a sigh he got into his car and left on his way to Alex's house. More like an apartment. He's a manager but he still ain't making shit! But he does get to comp his friends when they eat at Chick-fil-A. Which is awesome because a fucking chiken sandwich is like five fucking dollars there!
Grrr... This make man mad. Alex man. He big man with strong, virile penis. He need pussy now because Goddammit ain't that what they're there for? God bless them. I mean really. Girls let guys poke them. I bet it feels good to have a dick inside there. Wait, Alex thought. Wait a second here... That would make him gay too!
No big loss. He is enough man to go for all genders. He is the sexy manager of Chick-fil-A who gets all the chicken sex he wants. You see, they let him go to the farms and fuck their chickens. The chickens love it! It makes their meat more moist. Oh... So wet...
As you can see the thought of fucking chickens has made Alex hard. Again. He looks around his room to try and find that girl he was with. What was her name? Awe he already forgot. Doesn't matter. He'll just call her Brandi (with an 'i') and slap her around with his little dude.
The door bell rang and he put on his roller skates. He skated down the stairs and promptly broke his collar bone. He asked God why, oh why did he let his child break his collar bone? And then God replied “Nigga! I ain't going to aid you in your man whoring ways!” And then Alex starts weeping like a little bitch. So God goes “Alright bitch. You a bitch. But you a bitch bitch.” and proceeded to heal his broken collar bone. Over the course of six weeks that is. See how God did that there? Taking credit for nature's wonder? Fuck science! I mean Fuck religion! And perhaps fuck God too! (f he's hot enough that is... I've personally never seen him outside of an acid trip)
Alex was in the middle of taking a massive shit when he heard the door bell ring. Again. Must be Ronny. Or Timmy. Or Raymond or whatever the fuck his name was. Alex wiped the redish brown shit off his asshole and washed his hands. Then he went and ruined it all by depressing the toilet bowl handle. The poop went round and round and the toilet ate it all up. Stupid toilets. All they do is eat poop and used needles.
Alex washed his hands again and went to answer the door. When he opened it he immediately went to put it back. For you see, there was a fucking Mormon at his door. He was all holding a Bible and shit and that wasn't going to fly with Alex. No way sir. God is a pervert who is with you when you poop or are being pooped on.
Alexy heard the door bell again and backed into the front door and fell down to his knees crying. Was he going to accept the lord to be his savior and all that shit? Was he about to take the blood and body of Christ and digest it? Absolutely... Um...
Alex answered the door again, but this time he was naked and sporting a hard on. The Mormon smiled and bent down on his knees to be at eye level with his schlong. He was all like “Good penis! Yes you're a good penis! Yes you are! Yes you are!” Alex cleared his throat, clearly wanting the attention to divert from his wonderfully proportioned man appendage and more to his strikingly good looks. Did I mention he has buck teeth? Because that would make him so fucking hot!
Holy shit I'm burning up!
I think I need a cigarette.
So I will leave you in the care of my imaginary friend Larry.
Larry, reader, reader, Larry.
Great. Now that you two know each other I can go have a smoke. Now you guys don't be going and having sex now! That's Alex's penis's job. For he is a tall and mighty Alex. He was just hired by a modeling agency to sell butt cream. He gave all of his sexiness in the ads. Oh how he squirmed and pretended to be slightly inconvenienced with hemorrhoids. Oh how we laughed like children! He was so good that even Prince Harry, the red haired one, the one who's not balding, he even bought some hemorrhoid cream from Alex here!
Speaking of Prince Harry. He once did a girl. No lie! He like, totally had red haired pube sex with a vagina. He totally dominated her because he's so big and manly. Oh man! Is it hot in here or is the oven on.
Oh. The oven. That's right! I was cooking something or other... Smoke break!
Now that that's over with. Alex, between modeling jobs, he manages this Chick-fil-A. Wait, I already told you that? Well, fuck you! You try writing a coherent story!
Which reminds me of this one dude named Sue. His father named him that so he would forever be someone's bitch in prison. The thought made Prince Harry cringe. Because he's like, totally straight and shit. No cock for Harry, no way siree! No cock... Not even his own meaty man meat. His nice thick warm man chowder all over Alex's brown haired chest. He's totally got some fur going on there. Both him and Prince Harry. Just to be fair, here is a picture of Prince Harry shirtless and scruffy.
And here's one of him in the water, being all tall and skinny and sexy red haired pubes!
Now isn't that nice? He's being all tall and skinny and red headed. For those of you with a Prince Hairy sexy sexy sex sex then look not further than www.nakedredheadmen.com! It's totally a real fucking site! And it really does have naked redhead men on it! Holy shit! Is it hot in here or is it still the oven? The one I have yet to turn off... Wait a second.
Now back to Prince Harry's underarm hair. It's red and it collects his sexy sex pheromones. Alex bets that Prince Harry's man musk makes him hard. Go Harry! Be all hairy! Man if only he would grow a great big red bushy beard. Then he would be the sex! Sex Prince Harry! Sex!!!
Now that I'm back from my smoke break I feel like it's my duty to completely drain you. I bet Kurt Cobain had mental problems. He was totally a pot head too. You see, before he used heroin, he smoked pot. Since pot was illegal everywhere in the U.S. at that point in time. You see, if they had just let him smoke himself silly then we may just have had the greatest poop enthusiast to ever live stay with us a little longer. That is until Courtney Love actually killed him for not doing the dishes.
Kurt was smelly. I mean that in that he never showered. If I was rich enough to afford new clothes I'd wash myself, mostly. At least a few times a week. At least.
Alex? Oh yeah! He's still fucking the door man in his apartment building. Yeah, he got bored of me talking about how sexy Prince Harry is that he gone and fucked the door man. Which is confusing because he A: Alex lives in an apartment complex, and B: Alex is like, totally into chicks and shit. He had some fecal matter left over on his dick after he did the door man. The door man of an apartment complex. Come on people! Can't we just say that he fucked a group of Boyscouts here!? Because he is totally like a pedophile.
Well... Not really, you see he just fucked some kids to get him in prison. It turns out the only way he could get tail after realizing that he hadn't been fucked enough in life already, found amazing company in prison as a pedophile. Oh he was fucked here and there and everywhere! It was like a story book ending I swear!
Oh, except the part where Alex gets out of prison and has to register for the sex offender registry list. He now can't get a job or a decent place to live. The people who run his motel cheat and steal from him and this one guy keeps bumming cigarettes from him even though he doesn't smoke.
But I do. Smoke break!
So here I am with my hand... Not in a sexual way but more of a revolutionary way. I am like that Che dude only I'm short and white and don't have that great of a beard at the moment... But honestly I, I mean Alex, whom I'm projecting this onto, he totally can grow a mean ass man beard. In fact out of all the problems he had he had to go and grow a pedophile beard. Seriously. Why do people do that?
Oh and by the way. The sex was awful! I faked every orgasm!
Figure that one out and I'll give you a dollar.
*void in all fifty states and surrounding Earth*