Why Jason Voorhees Would Be the Perfect Republican Presidential Candidate

            With the upcoming elections, many republicans are starting to recant their endorsement for republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. A man who flip flops so much that we have not a clue for what he stands anymore. His foreign policy is laughable and his approval ratings are so bad that his party has resorted to massive voter fraud within the system. Yes he may hate blacks and Hispanics, but does that really make a good Republican presidential candidate?

            I say we ditch the loser and bring in a qualified ringer for the position. That person might as well be Jason Voorhees. Before you get all “but he’s a mad killer zombie!” on me, I should add some of his qualifications and such. Like the issues he stands for and what he will do for our country once elected the President of the United States.

Jason Voorhees on education – Normally, we see the cream of the crop up pitted against our masked messiah and Jason’s one saving grace is that they are all stupid. Everyone from your typical redneck to the recently released mental patient has been successful at reanimating him time and time again. If elected president, Jason will dismantle higher education and cut funding for K-12 schools. Just like any good Republican, he does not want his victims to be smarter than he is, lest they question why in the world one must go out and investigate after hearing blood curdling scream in the woods. Being educated means questioning Jason’s thirty plus year tenure as America’s number one homicidal maniac. Without the uneducated masses, he would have no power over anybody. So as far as education is concerned, Jason will slash the funding and decapitate our youth.

Jason Voorhees on the economy – Seeing as Jason is an eighty’s man, he still looks back and follows the standards that Reagan has put into effect. Jason will deregulate the shit out of everything, ensuring the livelihood of the corporate sector. Jason will not bail out businesses that are failing or do not donate money to the Republican Party. He is a man of his word and his word is not a word, but heavy breathing. Heavy breathing like the heavy hand that Obama has laid out for the American people; Jason will break that hand and slide a harpoon in the hand owner’s spleen. That is how a true American patriot would act, and Jason Voorhees is a true American patriot.

Jason Voorhees on abortion and capital punishment – Jason is obviously as pro-life as they come seeing as he has yet to kill an unborn child. Some may take this as him going soft but we conservatives know that he is just biding his time until they reach adolescents, in which time comes up the issue of capital punishment. As any good Republican will tell you, a man who breaks the law in any little way deserves to be sent to hell (Unless it involves a conservative and a seventeen year old male intern in the rumpus room at the Pink Pony, then it’s merely a matter of sending them back to heterosexual boot camp). If president, Jason Voorhees will use his will and power to make sure that all pot users and pre-marital sex doers get their just deserts.

Jason Voorhees on legalization of marijuana – Um… He hates it. Jason does not want our youth dying of lung cancer before he has had the chance to carve them into beef fillet strips. However, he is pro big tobacco. He insists that all Americans smoke after pre-marital sex and after a good day at your high income producing corporate law firm. After all, it’s pretty safe in comparison.

Jason Voorhees on civil and gay rights – Just like any conservative worth his salt, he will make it so that these pesky little problems will get killed within the first twenty minutes of his presidency.

Jason Voorhees on space exploration – Obviously he’s a fan, one of the few Republicans who think that there is much to learn, and kill, in space.

Jason Voorhees on foreign policy – Upon his election, Jason Voorhees will impale most of the United Nations and make it so that only the tallest and handsomest of the bunch will get away and thus, allowing themselves to be killed in the sequel. Also as President of the United States Jason will invade peace time countries and whip out his dick to show all those foreign pussies how big his American made cock really is, before stabbing them all to death.

Jason Voorhees on big business – Jason will make sure that our American produced kitchen wear will be the best in the world, personally trying out each and every knife produced here.

            After knowing the facts, do you really think Mitt Romney was the wisest choice given our options? For this writer, the answer is no. I appeal to you, my good conservatives, to recant your allegiance to the Romney camp and divert all funding towards Jason / Freddy 2012. Do not let your vote be wasted on somebody who will actually do a worse job than our favorite movie villain. So this November, in the write in slot, vote Jason. He just may let you live.

My day back down on south Broadway.

                I used to go out a lot. I was pretty well known by the old scene crowd (although some over thirty elitists would disagree on the decade in which said old scene occurred. I’m looking at you Tom!) so when I got a little bit of money together I decided to go back down on south Broadway to the old hang out spots. It had been planned the week before with my best pal Erin; I’d buy this week if she would buy the next.

                It was a sunny Friday afternoon and to be honest I was pissed off that it had not been cooler that day. I prefer to dress up in as many layers as I can normally. Stupid weather…

 As I waited at the bus stop with Erin and her daughter Victoria I began to notice all the cracks in the sidewalk surrounding me and the anxiety was showing in my face. Erin looks over at me and begins to laugh. Apparently my little quirks amuse her. Well, better that than her being freaked out by me, which happens more often than not.

                The 0 bus came up to its stop on seventeenth and California and the two were up and ready to get on the bus, but I slowed things down by avoiding all the cracks in the ground. I do this when I’m nervous; I haven’t been down in that area in so very long. It felt like I was going to an intervention or something. I was just expecting Matt and Allison to just show up and give me lip about my three drink limit at Sputnik. It’s really not all that bad and it’s most likely in my best interests. But I just didn’t want to hear it that day though.

                The bus dropped us off on Ellsworth and Broadway and it all immediately flooded back to me. The place where Fancy Tiger was was once the home of Chielle. That was a cool place. Old time scenesters Sara Tea, Wendy Marlow, and Alisa Dowel used to own it until they went their separate ways and moved to east Colfax and then to that great boutique shop in the sky. I liked Sara Tea. I once wrote a song about her and everyone always asked why I would list such horrible drug substances in the chorus. It had nothing to do with her. It was just some of the things that I had tried to get my frequent migraines to go away; Percoset, alcohol, vicoden and cocaine. Although I wouldn’t recommend the latter because you will only want more and the high goes away after you’ve been doing it for a week. Plus it’s freaking expensive!

                Instead of telling kids that they shouldn’t do drugs their parents should just make them buy them with their own money. Sheesh!

                Anyways… We got off at our stop and head toward Go Fish on the right side of Sputnik. It’s a very good sushi place and cheap at that. If only they gave out hot towels and had wasabi bloody Marys it would be the totes! Erin and I had a cigarette while Victoria fidgeted around the entrance until we were ready. Once inside the waiter sat us at an outside table and gave us the menu and drink list. Erin had made me promise that I was going to have sake. I decided to go all out and ordered pineapple sake with some sort of honey beer. Both were disgusting but I drank them up anyways, for Erin’s sake of course. Then I drank hers and we ordered more and by the time the sushi was ordered I was pretty hammered. The proof in this pudding had to be the amount of sushi I had ordered. When it came Erin and I were speechless. Victoria pointed at me and started laughing about how much of a drunk I am. I had ordered a fucking party tray it seemed, a very, very expensive party tray.

                But life is too short to waste time grumbling about stupid and delicious decisions.

                The only cure for this was more sake. By the time we finished I had two to go boxes and an itch to go over to Mutiny Now across the street and pillage books like a literary Viking, sans the rape of course. As I signed my name on my card receipt and the waiter brought over three complementary glasses of sake, Erin and I were dumbstruck because Victoria was underage, although she was just fourteen she could easily pass for twenty one. At least now I suppose she could. Wow…

                What happened next is a source of controversy amongst us consenting adults and one adolescent. After all that jazz we headed off to Mutiny Now and I think I bought a Chuck Palahniuk book. I can’t really remember because I have so many books and I was drunk at the time. That could explain where this book about male hookers getting raped to death with dildos came from. I probably asked the owner for a recommendation or something. So far I’m at the part where the psychiatrist bangs a tranny.

                When that was over we went back across the street and into Sputniks. I was hoping to see someone I knew so I began investigating while my two female friends found a spot at the bar. To no avail I went back outside and saw that the Hi Dive was open. I didn’t want to abandon my friends but I wanted to see if I could find someone I knew. Going in was like a flash back to the old times. I can’t even begin to describe the many times I have fallen off that stage drunk… It was empty anyway except for Nathanial Radcliff and his group of two. That familiar adrenalin rush went through my head and with a smile on my face I went up to him and say what’s up.

                I got up near him at the bar; he still wasn’t paying any attention to me so I tapped his shoulder and got his attention.

                And this is what I said… “I hate you.”

                Nate laughed and slapped me on my back and asked how I’ve been. I told him that I had been diagnosed with Aspergers and that’s why I am so out there. He didn’t believe me at first but I said it a second time and he said “Whatever”, which is the best response that one could hope for with this guy. And with a smile and a heavy heart I left them be. I had nothing more to say to him and he was trying to mack on his woman so I came back to Sputnik and sat at the bar beside my friends. The bartender came up, a cute guy with a hipster beard, and asked us what we wanted to drink. Erin wanted to get the fruitiest girl drink they had and he gave her something that looked like it had been aborted by a gay pineapple. I forgot the exact name but it was definitely stronger than my white Russian. So when I finished that I ordered a long island and told the guy to cut me off after three drinks. I got my long island and started to bullshit with the bartender. After a while I asked him if he remembered me but he said no. It will take me a little while to get used to this new scene.

                Whilst drunken off my ass I decided to whip out Erin’s laptop and do my psych homework. I would have gotten a ninety if I hadn’t listened to her… And in my drunken stupor I accused her as being everything that is wrong with my life. But this was remedied with a few more sips of her strange brew. Then all was good again.

                After that it was pretty much a blur. A cab was called and I think I left a ten dollar tip for the bartender with the cute butt; he in turn hugged me with his big manly hipster arms. Either way it was a good time for all involved.

                The next morning I awoke in my underwear with no sheets on and the sushi to go containers had been left out on the floor from the night before. With a moment’s hesitation I started to eat said contents. A little day old raw fish never hurt nobody.

…

…At least nobody I know of.

Days Go By

After listening to the new offspring record for about two weeks straight I’ve actually grown quite bored with it… I love those guys but this album just didn’t click for me. Sure it’s mostly punk rock but it’s the poppy and out of style tracks that stick out the most.

The Future Is Now – It has speed, it has pizzazz, but it’s utterly forgettable.

Secrets From the Underground – Again, all shine but no substance. And since when was Dexter ever part of the underground? He grew up a rich white good looking jock; there isn’t anything underground about him.

Days Go By – I’m surprised the Foo Fighters haven’t sued these guys yet.

Turning Into You – I’ve already forgotten how it goes, but I’m sure he’s talking about turning into a large penis.

Hurting As One – Do you know pain Dexter? Like real pain? Ever wake up in a flea bag motel next to a junkie transvestite prostitute covered in your own excrement? Actually that would make him pretty hardcore.

Cruising California – SELLOUT TRACK! Yet it’s catchier than Avian Flu. The pre chorus sizzles with pretty girl voices and the chorus is so dumb it’s brilliant! It’s definitely a song you love to hate.

All I Have Left Is You – This is actually a pretty good song despite it being a power ballad. It has pianos and melodic solos all throughout, plus Dexter tries to sing low and it’s actually pretty. A definite panty dropper.

OC Guns – I really don’t want to like this song but the chorus is almost worth the effort to sit through it. Almost.

Dirty Magic – One of my favorite tracks from their second album “Ignition” gets a do over and added balls. I still like the original but this is obviously just so they can play it live now and have people recognize it. As a musician myself I know how strong the urge is to remake older songs. This time it came out great!

I Wanna Secret Family With You – The chorus is so fucking retarded and catchy that you’ll find yourself singing it to other people on the bus ride home and / or annoying your friends with it. At least that’s what I’ve done…

Dividing By Zero – This is like first album Offspring. Very fast and on the verge of speed metal. Great song!

Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell – Musically this song is completely boring. It’s the same four chords over and over again with no variation. Catchy as hell though, but if you are looking for stand out musicianship then you best go somewhere else.

Where's your God now?

Why not celebrate this 4^th of July by putting yet another nail into the coffin of Fundamentalist ideals. One common argument for us atheists is usually either “Creation scientists have proof though!” or “If there is no God, then how did everything come to be?” And the answer my friends is literally out of thin air! You see, Scientists believe that at the very spark of the big bang there was nothing but energy and primitive raw particles that would wind up decaying into the original hydrogen. But hydrogen without mass is nothing at all. We now believe that this Higgs Boson particle (AKA: The God Particle) appeared in a trillionth plus more of a second after the big bang and decayed into particles giving mass to everything.

                I’m sure I’m not 100% spot on but I think the general gist is there though.

The Pillizi Project

Hey girls!

Just me sittin’ here Tweeting Snookie. I wonder if she has a sense of humor? I suppose I’ll find out soon enough. I plan to achieve a response without going within the realms of bad taste. I’m a gentleman and I’m gay which makes me unintimidating in the fairer sex’s eyes.

I don’t know what Snookie’s eyes are colored. I would look it up but I’m at school and don’t want THAT showing up on their search history! You know what I mean? It was like the time Justin Beiber turned eighteen and I searched to see if he’d grown any since the last year. Nope. Still short. I’m short too but I’m taller than Justin Beiber.

That’s what I’m going to put in my request to attend Harvard one day! “It’s not like I’m Justin Beiber sized!” I’ll be saying in every interview. Maybe Yale would have a taste for my dry / absurdist humor; Perhaps Oxford, where I’ll study under the great evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, who will laugh and tendle and trudle and trossel over my rendition of an Irish man with low self-esteem and way too much booze.

                It ends with a gun shot.

                And that’s the gag!

Everything Evolves

                Why are so many people against evolution? One could say that it is but the small minded majorities who still don’t believe that it is true but a good share of them have to be intelligent enough to think it through for themselves, right? I am one who believes that IQ is no indication of intelligence but merely a number expressed by academics in order to score tail at democratic fundraisers. No, I believe everyone is capable of understanding the wonders of life and all it has to offer in the scientific sense. Some are smarter at certain things than others. I can write a twenty page essay that is coherent and meaningful in less than thirty minutes but give me an Alan wrench and some Duck Tape then expect me to fashion an air conditioning unit out of spare parts and I am completely left in the dark. Surely everyone must agree on one thing, things change.

                I believe that the intellect in all of us has at one point or another has rejected the possibility of evolution at some point or another because it contradicted what is supposed to be the one basic truth, that the Holy Bible and all of its fantastical stories must have happened. To reject this would be at odds with a creator who may or may not exist. Simply betting the odds in this case won’t necessarily take away from life’s glories but it sure does make for a pretty inclusive existence. Then again, if we’re wrong then what’s the harm? We’d be dead anyways. But as the world has progressed and evidence has mounted has there ever been a better time than now to reconsider that the bible may have been wrong or at least interpreted a little too literally?

                Even high ranking officials at the Vatican lost their battle with science and conceded that life had to have evolved over time instead of one instance of creation. Although to be fair they still keep the faith that God had a hand in it. But to me I would like to think a creator would try to avoid or at least fix mistakes in the gene code that allowed for such things as gluttony and hatred. Even the fact that a man’s testes has a chord that goes from them, around the midsection and then back into the prostate should be a concern over why didn’t a better plan just be for them to go from the testes to the prostate in a more direct route? As much as I would like to, I will not make this a paper on atheism, although that would be an interesting topic for another discussion, I would like to instead pronounce my enthusiasm for the facts and theories of evolution as an unbiased observer.

                (If I came off as being anti-God please forgive me, I am just an intellectual asshole who has nothing better to do with his time than to pick on the resurrection of Christ.)

                First off let me explain the difference between a theory and a scientific theory. A theory in the contemporary sense is an educated guess on how things work. A scientific theory uses evidence to make an informed hypothesis (also an educated guess, just wordier) meaning that if you had a fossil record that seemed to transition from one thing to another you would use a theory to test your hypothesis, such as using the now standard DNA model of detection. We first saw this theory arise when Darwin conducted his biological studies and found that some newly discovered fossils looked different but slightly less so than current living species. As the century progressed we used his theory model to conduct real time experiments on sexual selection (aka: breeding for certain traits in dogs or racing horses) to and natural selection (putting a group of bacteria in a jar with finite amount of food and saw which strands strived to reproduce over their lesser equipped counterparts). It is to say, that a lot of work goes into gathering facts before a scientific theory can be accepted as truth. And we have the facts for evolution.

                One of the worst things about history deniers to me is that they say there is no proof, that the world’s scientific community is lying to cover up God’s work. My question to them would be how can a million scientist be covering up something without having to first devote their lives to such a grandiose lie? Why on Earth would somebody spend their days pursuing something they didn’t believe in just to spite others who have no direct relation to them? It’s a waste of time and energy, and, just as natural selection has taught us, this would be quickly weeded out of society seeing as it is of no good to the propagation to the greater good.

                But what these people fail to realize is that it has probable saved their lives and made them better to boot at least a million times over by now. If we never had the theory of evolution then we’d be puzzled as to why white lab mice have almost identical immune systems as we do or even why a chimp would act so human. With it though we can see where certain things stack up with our DNA code and then use the similarities in order to produce medicines and treatments that actually work at bettering ourselves. Knowing that a mouse carries the same gene for depression has helped us make prescriptions for anti-depressants. Knowing whether or not bacteria strive under certain conditions due to certain genetic conditions will either help us or hurt us has formed the basis for anti-bacterial and pro-biotic medicines.

                In fact genetics simply would not even work as a science without our understanding of evolution. It is the basis and concept for everything in biology. It is a thing that has stood the test of time and very critical and analytical minds of the past century.

                The idea to me that nothing is simple makes me want to know more about how things work. Doesn’t it you? Saying that a rainbow appears out of nowhere during a rain shower does nothing for me because there is nothing to explore about it. But saying that it is a product of the prism effect of rain drops in proportion to sunlight makes me think that there is more going on in the world. The fact that everything comes from something, and that something comes from something, that comes from something we have yet to discover makes me anticipate the day that we discover it. If only to then turn and try to find out where that something in fact came from.

                Evolution is seen in everything we do. From us divulging from single non-organic molecules into self-replicating non organic molecules to organic and so on, to the fact that technology (in principle) becomes twice as fast and effective every two years is just the start. Why not think of our solar system as having evolved, and why not with the idea of natural selection? The elements were forged in the first stars (which came together from gravity and hydrogen) and through nuclear fusion became all the elements that we know of and then exploding, which released those elements which in turn are seemingly randomly selected to form new stars and now life giving element rich planets? Without those first stars we would not have oxygen or carbon, the two things necessary for us to exist in the first place. And when our star dies it will release more of those same elements and become new stars and planets (Okay so our sun may not go out in an explosion but the birth of new planets and stars are as inevitable as you having to eat something at least some of the time to keep your body going.)

                Evolution is everywhere. We have the facts, and we use those facts to form theories. To me a world without science would be a never ending rut of plague and disease and disaster. Why wait for a God to cure your cancer when you can go to a hospital and receive treatment? To do so is sound and we rarely think of it in this day and age. But there was a time when going to the doctor meant death by contamination and blood-letting to cure your cold. Medical practices have too evolved over time. Evolution is an unavoidable part of life.

                The next time you see a pretty flower, think not that it was just made, but think of it as a wonder of biology that took millions of years of trial and error to become so beautiful and complex. Wouldn’t that be more fulfilling in the end? I think so. And I hope that you will too someday.