Sunday, October 21, 2012

Why Jason Voorhees Would Be the Perfect Republican Presidential Candidate

            With the upcoming elections, many republicans are starting to recant their endorsement for republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. A man who flip flops so much that we have not a clue for what he stands anymore. His foreign policy is laughable and his approval ratings are so bad that his party has resorted to massive voter fraud within the system. Yes he may hate blacks and Hispanics, but does that really make a good Republican presidential candidate?
            I say we ditch the loser and bring in a qualified ringer for the position. That person might as well be Jason Voorhees. Before you get all “but he’s a mad killer zombie!” on me, I should add some of his qualifications and such. Like the issues he stands for and what he will do for our country once elected the President of the United States.

Jason Voorhees on education – Normally, we see the cream of the crop up pitted against our masked messiah and Jason’s one saving grace is that they are all stupid. Everyone from your typical redneck to the recently released mental patient has been successful at reanimating him time and time again. If elected president, Jason will dismantle higher education and cut funding for K-12 schools. Just like any good Republican, he does not want his victims to be smarter than he is, lest they question why in the world one must go out and investigate after hearing blood curdling scream in the woods. Being educated means questioning Jason’s thirty plus year tenure as America’s number one homicidal maniac. Without the uneducated masses, he would have no power over anybody. So as far as education is concerned, Jason will slash the funding and decapitate our youth.

Jason Voorhees on the economy – Seeing as Jason is an eighty’s man, he still looks back and follows the standards that Reagan has put into effect. Jason will deregulate the shit out of everything, ensuring the livelihood of the corporate sector. Jason will not bail out businesses that are failing or do not donate money to the Republican Party. He is a man of his word and his word is not a word, but heavy breathing. Heavy breathing like the heavy hand that Obama has laid out for the American people; Jason will break that hand and slide a harpoon in the hand owner’s spleen. That is how a true American patriot would act, and Jason Voorhees is a true American patriot.

Jason Voorhees on abortion and capital punishment – Jason is obviously as pro-life as they come seeing as he has yet to kill an unborn child. Some may take this as him going soft but we conservatives know that he is just biding his time until they reach adolescents, in which time comes up the issue of capital punishment. As any good Republican will tell you, a man who breaks the law in any little way deserves to be sent to hell (Unless it involves a conservative and a seventeen year old male intern in the rumpus room at the Pink Pony, then it’s merely a matter of sending them back to heterosexual boot camp). If president, Jason Voorhees will use his will and power to make sure that all pot users and pre-marital sex doers get their just deserts.

Jason Voorhees on legalization of marijuana – Um… He hates it. Jason does not want our youth dying of lung cancer before he has had the chance to carve them into beef fillet strips. However, he is pro big tobacco. He insists that all Americans smoke after pre-marital sex and after a good day at your high income producing corporate law firm. After all, it’s pretty safe in comparison.

Jason Voorhees on civil and gay rights – Just like any conservative worth his salt, he will make it so that these pesky little problems will get killed within the first twenty minutes of his presidency.

Jason Voorhees on space exploration – Obviously he’s a fan, one of the few Republicans who think that there is much to learn, and kill, in space.

Jason Voorhees on foreign policy – Upon his election, Jason Voorhees will impale most of the United Nations and make it so that only the tallest and handsomest of the bunch will get away and thus, allowing themselves to be killed in the sequel. Also as President of the United States Jason will invade peace time countries and whip out his dick to show all those foreign pussies how big his American made cock really is, before stabbing them all to death.

Jason Voorhees on big business – Jason will make sure that our American produced kitchen wear will be the best in the world, personally trying out each and every knife produced here.

            After knowing the facts, do you really think Mitt Romney was the wisest choice given our options? For this writer, the answer is no. I appeal to you, my good conservatives, to recant your allegiance to the Romney camp and divert all funding towards Jason / Freddy 2012. Do not let your vote be wasted on somebody who will actually do a worse job than our favorite movie villain. So this November, in the write in slot, vote Jason. He just may let you live.

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