With the upcoming elections, many
republicans are starting to recant their endorsement for republican
presidential candidate Mitt Romney. A man who flip flops so much that we have
not a clue for what he stands anymore. His foreign policy is laughable and his
approval ratings are so bad that his party has resorted to massive voter fraud
within the system. Yes he may hate blacks and Hispanics, but does that really
make a good Republican presidential candidate?
I say we ditch the loser and bring
in a qualified ringer for the position. That person might as well be Jason
Voorhees. Before you get all “but he’s a mad killer zombie!” on me, I should
add some of his qualifications and such. Like the issues he stands for and what
he will do for our country once elected the President of the United States.
Jason Voorhees on
education – Normally, we see the cream of the crop up pitted against our masked
messiah and Jason’s one saving grace is that they are all stupid. Everyone from
your typical redneck to the recently released mental patient has been
successful at reanimating him time and time again. If elected president, Jason
will dismantle higher education and cut funding for K-12 schools. Just like any
good Republican, he does not want his victims to be smarter than he is, lest
they question why in the world one must go out and investigate after hearing
blood curdling scream in the woods. Being educated means questioning Jason’s
thirty plus year tenure as America’s number one homicidal maniac. Without the
uneducated masses, he would have no power over anybody. So as far as education
is concerned, Jason will slash the funding and decapitate our youth.
Jason Voorhees on the
economy – Seeing as Jason is an eighty’s man, he still looks back and follows
the standards that Reagan has put into effect. Jason will deregulate the shit
out of everything, ensuring the livelihood of the corporate sector. Jason will
not bail out businesses that are failing or do not donate money to the Republican
Party. He is a man of his word and his word is not a word, but heavy breathing.
Heavy breathing like the heavy hand that Obama has laid out for the American people;
Jason will break that hand and slide a harpoon in the hand owner’s spleen. That
is how a true American patriot would act, and Jason Voorhees is a true American
patriot.
Jason
Voorhees on abortion and capital punishment – Jason is obviously as pro-life as
they come seeing as he has yet to kill an unborn child. Some may take this as
him going soft but we conservatives know that he is just biding his time until
they reach adolescents, in which time comes up the issue of capital punishment.
As any good Republican will tell you, a man who breaks the law in any little
way deserves to be sent to hell (Unless it involves a conservative and a
seventeen year old male intern in the rumpus room at the Pink Pony, then it’s
merely a matter of sending them back to heterosexual boot camp). If president,
Jason Voorhees will use his will and power to make sure that all pot users and
pre-marital sex doers get their just deserts.
Jason
Voorhees on legalization of marijuana – Um… He hates it. Jason does not want
our youth dying of lung cancer before he has had the chance to carve them into
beef fillet strips. However, he is pro big tobacco. He insists that all Americans
smoke after pre-marital sex and after a good day at your high income producing
corporate law firm. After all, it’s pretty safe in comparison.
Jason
Voorhees on civil and gay rights – Just like any conservative worth his salt,
he will make it so that these pesky little problems will get killed within the
first twenty minutes of his presidency.
Jason
Voorhees on space exploration – Obviously he’s a fan, one of the few
Republicans who think that there is much to learn, and kill, in space.
Jason
Voorhees on foreign policy – Upon his election, Jason Voorhees will impale most
of the United Nations and make it so that only the tallest and handsomest of
the bunch will get away and thus, allowing themselves to be killed in the sequel.
Also as President of the United States Jason will invade peace time countries
and whip out his dick to show all those foreign pussies how big his American
made cock really is, before stabbing them all to death.
Jason
Voorhees on big business – Jason will make sure that our American produced
kitchen wear will be the best in the world, personally trying out each and
every knife produced here.
After knowing the facts, do you
really think Mitt Romney was the wisest choice given our options? For this
writer, the answer is no. I appeal to you, my good conservatives, to recant
your allegiance to the Romney camp and divert all funding towards Jason /
Freddy 2012. Do not let your vote be wasted on somebody who will actually do a
worse job than our favorite movie villain. So this November, in the write in
slot, vote Jason. He just may let you live.
