Tuesday, May 24, 2011

First of two new posts.

So it seems that my internet connection has been severed. Who knew that paying the bill was so important? I am currently sending you this through the wifi provided by Starbucks. Whether or not they will kick me out due to my non purchase use has yet to be seen.
I used to work at Starbucks. Did you know that? I remember this cool tall blond guy and these two little girls that worked with me. The tall blond guy was catholic and I was borderline out of the closet. Only close friends knew. Actually only people who were gay knew. Like this other guy who used to come in and get coffee. Him and his female boss. I used to comp them all the time.
I wish I remembered the names of these people. The two girls, one was a taller white girl with long brown hair and the other was a short Hispanic lady. The white girl would talk to me about books while the shorter one would converse about matters of the local music scene. Fun times.
I wish I wasn't the way I am. I feel as if I am incapable of feeling for others. I am selfish and I tend to think about myself more than necessary. This doesn't mean that I don't observe people though. I can do that very, very well.
Take my ex best friend for example. His parents divorced when he was young and his brother was a delinquent. From talking to him and having him open up I assume that he had tried to patch things up with his parents but that did not work. Therefore he developed a psychosis where he felt that he had nothing good to say, so he just decided to say nothing at all.
I wanted friendship and affection from him. I suppose I was in the wrong to expect so much from another human being as hurt as I am, even if he doesn't see it.
We are currently not talking. The sharpest pain in recent memory was when he denied my friend request on Facebook. How sad is that? I thought we were so close but I suppose we were always like oil and water. I would float to the surface and talk too much and expect it in return while he just stayed on the bottom, not communicating and content to live out his life in mediocrity.  He has so much to offer but he doesn't want to do the work. Sometimes I feel like that then I get motivated and I go on a kick for a little while before settling back down into a debilitating depression.
I am not skinny to the point where I'd be happy.
I am not tall like the friends and lovers I acquire.
I am not as smart as I'd like to be.
Other physical attributes could be more robust.
I'm getting better at accepting these things but without any friends it's pretty hard to go through life without any encouragement. I certainly don't get it from my father. The little bit I do get comes from this girl Alecia. But I feel sometimes that it's a friendship of convenience.
I want to be with my bigger brother and hang out with my niece Amber, but because of her and my father this is not possible. I do not want to jeopardize my housing situation by reaching out to them. My own family. Sometimes I feel as if I am older and more mature than my father.
I remember the time I told him he was being childish. He then turned around and told me that if he was being childish then he would shut off the power, which is in his name. Nice going Dad. Bastard.
I still love him, just not the idea of him.
Does that make sense?
I have been thinking a lot about one of the best relationships I've ever had. His name was Sean and he was just perfect in every way. Not just physically mind you, but emotionally and intellectually as well! He brought me to the museum for a date! How cool is that? Plus he was very gentle and I felt like I was safe with him. Normally bigger guys scare me but I felt good in his arms.
I miss him so much. I wish I wasn't too much for him, as I normally am...

I'd give anything to be in someone's arms right now.

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