The Red Hot Chile Peppers should just commit suicide

I was in my lovely little world today as I was being driven to my clinic. I suppose I was talking and making my friend laugh and other good times when he felt the sudden need to drown me out with the radio. The joke was on him though because I just kept on talking, giving a play by play commentary of the tracks!

The Red Hot Chile Peppers – The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie

The Red Hot Chile Peppers are a weird band for me. They have like two good songs but they fuck it all up by being themselves! Plus this song sounded like they went into the studio to make audio diarrhea and needed a corn amongst the shit they were writing.

                It’s not necessarily a bad song. The beginning starts off pretty cool (even if Anthony Keidis  raps like a retarded monkey with monkey down syndrome) and the beat is pretty groovy. I put aside the fact that the lyrics were… Basically about sex and whatever the hell the chorus is talking about (which by the way sounds like one of their other songs (which itself sounded like a more lively version of an even older song) only they added a few extra chords to protect themselves from infringing on their own copyright).

                Every album gets slower and more boring. Why do critics always talk about hey they love that their sound is maturing? It’s not maturing, it’s dying! I can bank money on them writing a song in the future that is nothing but one long syllable played over a smooth groove beat.

Eminem and Rihanna – Wish Right Now

I’ll be honest and say that I particularly like both of these artists. But they were just victims of circumstance when I was driving with my friend. I wasn’t in a really good mood and nothing pisses me off more than mainstream radio.

            Rihanna used to be top on my list until her new stuff started coming out. It was less rock and more of the same old shit you hear every time you drive with your friend on the way to the clinic to get your crazy pills…

            Um… Anyways, she’s lost it. BING!

            Not just her though, Eminem is another has been that has been monopolizing the radio far beyond his shelf life. There’s very little of what made his early stuff good. I hate saying this because it makes other people better musicians but when he started exploring his emotions beyond burning his ex-wife with a hot coat hanger and he began rapping about his trials with drugs his stuff lost a lot of its edge.

            I hear he looks good naked though, but he’s getting old fast. He’ll soon be the Paul McCartney of rap and continue making records when he should be busy dying quietly somewhere far from anything that has to do with human decency.

Pink – Raise Your Glass

Again, I used to like Pink before she stopped trying. Nothing says your out of ideas better than writing a dunder headed song about rocking out and partying. How many songs does this make for her dealing with this subject? Honestly I don’t know because I personally never heard anything other than her radio singles but if they are any indication then I can see her too singing about not caring and drinking well into her golden years.

            How old is she now anyways? We can soon see her breasts sagging in next year’s hit single “God Please Guide This Bullet Into My Brain”.

            Why so serious? :-P

It was at that point where the song ended that I shut off his radio and smacked his hand.

Five things that can give you whiskey dick.

1: Alcohol – Yeah this one is obvious. You drink too much and your whole nervous system sort of shuts down on you, making it hard to feel any real sensation at all. Although many have tried and after hours of due diligence they’ve been able to complete the process. Hats are tipped to those who have been able to wear out a vagina into a shaffed and sore little mess in their efforts to bust a nut.

 

2: Cocaine – This one is actually a stimulant which means you should be able to stimulate the hell out of your manly organ right? Wrong, coke numbs the shit out of you. It blocks touch sensations and a form of it is actually used in anesthesia medications. From Novacain to Litacain, they all have one main ingredient.

That’s right! They’re made from the coca leaf.

When the Mayan’s weren’t busy sacrificing their young to the sun God, they were chewing on coca leaves just to get them through the day.

We’ve been doing shit like this for thousands of years folks!

3: Opiates – Now this stuff you’d expect to make your Willy a useless piece of skin. Its main job is to block pain receptors and give you a nice warm buzz by bonding to your opioid receptors. The reason we even have these things is because we already have a natural pain blocker in our own brains that releases whenever we are hurt or in shock. Endorphins are in the opiate class and that’s why you feel so good after exercising and other strenuous workouts (Hint, it won’t be sex!)

Even getting aroused seems like too much work when you’re high on this stuff. You’re body’s more apt to use it’s time doing things like lying around and hugging your cat.

Come to think of it, I never came once while I was on methadone! I remember trying and becoming frustrated. In fact  I think it’s the only time I ever faked an orgasm just to make the whole deal just stop.

4: Too much sex – Men have a refractory period after they orgasm, meaning that all things sexual shut down for at least ten to fifteen minutes before you’re able to go at it again (This statement does not reflect those of you who use and abuse Viagra).

Plus after each successive try your vital bits start to not respond the way it was before you started this marathon. Being that it is one of the most sensitive parts of a man’s body (Tip: One of the others is the nipples, hear that ladies?) it can easy become over sensitive and cause pain. Plus your body has already spent all that energy on the first round or two so it’s sort of in storage mode, meaning you have to work harder each time to get the same results as before.

Wouldn’t you rather have some anti-depressant medication instead?

Oh wait, that’s right…

5: Anti-depressants and other medications – If you think it was bad enough that you snorted all that coke and took too many Viagra pills, wait till you try to come down with some of these medications. Serotonin is a vital part of any healthy brain function. It controls your body’s temperature, your mood, and other chemical processes in your brain.

It’s so important that it has even been linked to sudden infant death syndrome as the main cause. You see when you are a baby everything is still getting wired and rewired and it’s hard for a young’en to withstand so much change. They’re brain tells it to release more of that good stuff and sometimes it just goes overboard, to the dismay of many a mother I’m sure.

I’m not exactly sure how it does it but this shit will make you last until you are too tired to go on any further.

That is if you can even get it up in the first place.

I gots cooking skillz!

My mother wasn't the best in the world but damn she could cook!

One of the few things that I've gotten from her is my uncanny power to make anything I touch salty and fattening.

This is a little something I've been doing for years and now I'm gonna pass on the awesomeness to you!

Vege egg Ramen

What you will need:

1 – Package of Ramen (Your favorite flavor)

2 – A can of mixed vegetables

3 – One egg

4 – Garlic pepper

First you soften the noodles in boiling water, add in the garlic pepper, stir, then drain. Next you add the Ramen flavor pouch and stir until everything is coated. Then drain one can of mixed vegetables and add to the mix.

Sauté the shit out of it until it is cooked and burned (just a smidge!)

Then crack an egg over the top and stir until it is fully cooked with the Ramen.

Sprinkle some sea salt or other seasoning (optional) and enjoy!

This makes for a happy David! And possibly a happy you too!!!

Why a ham sandwich is better than a bulldog.

Five reasons why a ham sandwich is better than the bulldog I live with.

Just a little background information here. First off, this is not a loveable cute little dog. No… It is a vicious cell phone eating monster! It poops in the living room and it doesn’t take no for an answer. If it wants you to pet it, it will sit in front of you and stare at you for the longest time. If you don’t respond in a timely manner she will growl and bark at you. Then she will try to climb to the top of your head no matter how many times you throw her off!

She has her good moments though. Not many but some.

I like her best when she’s sleeping somewhere OUTSIDE of this house!

It’s not often though.

1: You can eat a ham sandwich – Ever try to eat a dog? That stuffs for crazy cat ladies and China. Here people would call animal services on you for doing the same thing you would to a chicken. Plus this thing poops a lot and I don’t want to have my mouth anywhere near that shit!

2: You can add mustard to a ham sandwich – You can’t put any condiments on dogs because they usually will lick it off before you can add the bread.

3: A ham sandwich tastes good – Especially if it’s smoked. I would imagine dogs tasting like they smell, which is just a step up from dirty sweat socks.

4: You can bring a ham sandwich with you when you travel – Sure I could take her somewhere but I’m only strong enough to keep myself from getting into trouble. Dogs are hard to control when they are stupid bitches.

Besides, you never see a ham sandwich misbehaving!

5: If you eat the ham sandwich, you can just make another! – Dogs can make more dogs too but I prefer it when there are less of them than people in this house. Plus you have to house train a puppy, you never have to do that with a ham sandwich!

That’s right! A ham sandwich will never eat your Goddamn phone and poop next to the refrigerator!

Plus the best thing about a ham sandwich is that you can add cheese on that bitch!

Losing my religion (and my V-card!)

Animal Attraction

By: David McGhee

Losing one’s virginity is both everyone’s most thought of moments and one of the most awkward times you’ll ever spend being naked. It’s just the unfamiliarity about it all when you first do it that makes you into a horribly scared late bloomer of twenty one.

Does this go in here?

Am I hurting you?

                What the hell is that taste?

Do you think you could do a better job?

To some though there are more interesting stories than others. For example one of my favorites involved multiplayer gaming. I had a friend who popped his cherry with his brother’s friend. They were left alone for a while and were playing video games when she declared that she wanted to mount Mike. Mike being the realist he is told her that this could be accomplished post haste. From the details I gathered he fumbled with a condom, did it, and soon after they were playing video games. Isn’t that every nerd’s dream?

A halo fuck buddy?

                My story though is an unusual one for two reasons, one is the fact that I am gay and this is a story about losing it to a girl (may the ghost of Elton John rot in her grave!). And the second part is that it really was a screw up on so many levels. But I made it through, panting and huffing yet still emasculated far beyond anything I could do to myself.

                It happened on Halloween of the twenty first year of life. I was heading out that day to go to the Hot IQs (local band) show at the Larimer Lounge. They were having two of them that night, one for the underagers and the other for those of us who don’t like drinking around pimples.

                I liked them so I was planning to go to both. I don’t mind getting drunk around young adults at all. I’d like to think of myself as a role model for young people who will one day grow up to be just as alcohol intolerant as I am. Them lucky bastards!

                To pre-celebrate I bought a small bottle of generic vodka. The cheapest I could find! Only the best for me. Besides, cheap liquor means you can drink more of it for less money. I am truly an economist at heart.

                The bus ride to the downtown wasn’t all that eventful. I secretly downed my half pint and counted my money. I really shouldn’t have done this in public but I was really sneaky about it. I held my head low and covered my wallet with my jacket. I was a spy back then. It was only later that I found out people thought I was doing drugs whilst doing that…

                It was around 8pm that I bumped into this red head girl. Rebecca was her name and we met purely because I suppose she thought I was cute. I was still in denial about who I was and also very naïve about people’s sexuality. To me it was just a girl who wanted to talk. No big deal.

                Around my second drink (bar bought) I started to laugh more and open up to her. She was very convincing in telling me that I was going to be one of her new friends. It wasn’t until after the band played their first set did she kissed me. On the lips! I had never gotten a kiss before from anyone!

                I was enthralled and afraid of the feelings that I was having. I think I could pick up on some of the things but really I was just stoked to have someone to talk to!

                I couldn’t tell if she was drinking or not but she didn’t mind me having a few more. I forgot exactly what we talked about but I know it had to do with music. She was very passionate about that subject. Then it veered off into her college work, which were feminist studies (among other things). Me feeling that I was just a late bloomer and still thinking I was straight, I found her arguments deeply disturbing. I had never once in my life realized that I was actually against women and my penis was a sign of gender biased dominance. Who knew huh?

                I always thought it was the thing you peed with. One might have said that I actually thought about having a vagina after that. At least I wouldn’t have been born to hurt girls and use them like I apparently do.

                I was too drunk to notice the irony of it all. All the talked about oppression, music, and such bad male behaviors were generally conversed while dancing seductively while she grabbed me. I felt self-conscious about it though because I was thinking she was looking for weaknesses and soft spots within the flesh she touched.

                The Hot IQs were about to play another set for the older crowd when Rebecca had the idea to go across town to see Matson Jones. They were a band that used cellos instead of guitars; really gothic chamber music but catchy as hell, fronted by two cello playing ladies. They were a favorite of mine too so I jumped at this decision!

                She kissed me on the cheek and took my hand, leading me out into the street and up to her car. Along the way we passed by the guys in The Swayback. They were playing the later show with the band and the guitarist all but dropped what he was doing when he saw me with a girl.

                “Hello! I’m sorry I can’t see your show tonight!” I half apologized half yelled with excitement (Although I may have been excited because I was so drunk but things like that are best to be just taken in stride. Sort of like eating a really awesome hot dog that just fell on the floor.)

                The guitarist looked at me dumbly and tilted his head to the side. “With a girl?” he asked.

                Rebecca and I smiled and I said “Yup!”

                He just stared into my face for a few moments and nodded. “Cool.”

                I laughed and assumed it was just him being high on pot and put it aside. When we got to her car I was having a little motor function impairment and needed to be helped when I got seated. I was just in one of the best moods and everything she did was awesome. Too bad I still wasn’t picking up on the hints when she stuck her tongue down my throat. I just thought she was being friendly really.

                I forgot what she was listening to in the car but I have a sinking feeling that it might have been Tegan and Sara. It wouldn’t have surprised me to hear the kind yet firm voice of Tori Amos, America’s favorite abused red headed step child. The song Spark comes to mind…

                As if things couldn’t get any better she bought my tickets to the Hi Dive show. It was cool to see people from both places in one night. At that time I had some cool friends (really just people who put up with me) and I was enthralled by the energy of the band playing. I don’t think I took my eyes off of them once! Much to the dismay of Rebecca, who was pulling me toward her and trying to talk over the music.

                If I had known that she wanted sex I may have done things differently, but I had never had a girl interested in me that way so I was at a total loss as what was going on. When she asked me if she could take me home I interpreted it as a free ride back to my place. I cordially accepted and took her hand once again.

                It was pretty much silence in the car ride home but there were a few interesting comments to be had. I suffer from foot and mouth syndrome and asked if she ever straightened her curly red hair. Hilarity ensued!

                Once we got to my place I was all but ready to go inside alone. She asked to hear some of my music, so me being the narcissist I am, I brought her inside for the grand tour. I was about to put on some of my stuff from my computer when she grabbed me by the shirt collar and threw me onto the couch. I wasn’t sure what had happened in the interim that sparked this lively dry humping session but it sure was cool to French kiss somebody. I think I was just a pot of repressed sexuality at that point in time and I had at it.

                The only thing that sucks about it though is that you had to watch where your teeth were. I would kill myself if I had ever lost a tooth while French kissing somebody. Worse would be if I knocked out their tooth! Or a crack… Oh my God that shit scares me!

                No one wants to look like Jethro! Not even Jethro!

                The momentum was building steadily and for the first time ever with another person I got an erection. I wasn’t sure that this was how it was supposed to work because before she jumped on top of me I had little arousal to speak of. I assumed it was natural and just kept doing it. I figured if I try enough times I’ll eventually get something right by default.

                She let go of my lips and reached down into my jeans. Not a word was said but I was pulsating with the urge to get it over with. I suppose I am a man in that respect, minus the football and titty obsession.

                I was scared. Truly and honestly scared! I let her take me upstairs to my bedroom and she told me to lay on the bed. I closed my eyes to give her more privacy. I heard some clothes fall off and buttons being undid and then she told me to open them.

                I know that the majority of the world thinks that the female body is one of the most beautiful pieces of art in all humanity. I can see that. They definitely are pretty and such but I can’t say the same thing for what I saw that night. Her vagina looked like a piece of spoiled turkey meat with brown skin flaps.

                I awkwardly took off my clothes while lying in bed, just like they do on them videos you see when you turn your google search filters off and look up young couple xxx. I’m surprised I didn’t go into convulsions I was so nervous.

                After I was able to compose myself she lay on the bed beside me and started to kiss me softly. I was panicking because I was naked with another person and I was about to have a life altering experience. I was determined not to make my first time good for both of us.

                So what do I do?

                I go down on her of course!

                I positioned myself between her legs and did my best to navigate. I don’t see why some guys are so rabid about eating out that stuff? It tasted like metallic ham mixed with crotch sweat! But I persevered and went a whole minute or so before she pulled my head up and toward her and said “We should do something else. You’re not any good at this!”

                I was both heartbroken and relieved at the same time.

                Still though… Who says that to a guy?

                I relented and did the next thing that came to mind. I went for my pants on the floor and took out a condom from my wallet (I’ve always been told to be prepared but I never in a million years thought I would actually need it!) and I took it out and slid it on. It was surprisingly snug, making me feel just an ounce better about myself in the process.
                I stared at her for the longest time. The thing I was supposed to put it in seemed like a large and frightening maw. I was sure my dilly was going to be lost in such a hole. Are we sure God got this right when he invented sex?
                I went on and did it with her. I’m wasn’t exactly sure how long I was supposed to last but it did seem like a very long time, it was probably me being drunk though that hampered things though.

                When I was done I disengaged and rolled over to my side. Rebecca was making a purring noise and placed her hand on my shoulder.  She kissed it and went for my ear. I was in a state of shock at the time so the only two things I remember her saying before I passed out in both fright and exhaustion was “Are you gay? You make love like a girl.”
                I don’t think wiser words have ever been used.

The other: “Are you crying?”

The next morning I awoke to an empty bed and a note letting me know her livejournal account name and phone number.

The curious cat in me wanted to know whether or not she talked about last night on her web page. To my dismay she did.
                It was a simple post: Last night I had some terrible sex with a new friend.
                Almost like something Vonnegut would say, wouldn’t you agree?

I swear one of these days I’ll get it right.

Isn’t it like learning a new language? The only way to get better is to immerse yourself into their culture. But for me I’d just rather get take out next time.