“Sexy McSex Sexifies the Sexy McSex With a Sexy Sex McSex Female Riding on Top of Me Having the Best Sexy Sex Ever! I Was like Booooooing!”
By: David McGhee
“She came to me the other night” Ryan said to his two friends sitting on either side on his next to the raging camp fire. All three of them had alcohol in their hands. Marty and Matt were drinking Coors Light while Ryan sipped from his Tennessee Honey Jack Daniel's whiskey. “I was all like, playing my Xbox and shit, and she knocks on my door. I'm dressed in my boxers, sporting a boner, and I answer the door. She was all like 'I was thinking of you and it got me wet.' It wasn't raining, but I'm used to girls messing their pants with their pussy juices thinking of me. She's all like “May I come in.' And to this I said 'Yes. Yes you may.'
“So she followed me into the living room where she took off her wet clothes (wet because she was like, totally wetting down there for me. I swear bro, her sex juice was staining her tight, tight blue jeans) and sits down on my couch next to me, like, totally naked. And she turns to me and says 'I love men who know how to rock an Xbox.' And I was like saweeeeeet! Did I mention that she's like, a model and junk. Tall with light, light bleached blonde hair and I'm sitting here all like, six foot six and two hundred and twenty pounds of man muscle. My dick is probably a fifth of my total weight. Plus I totally look like handsome and shit. I'm a sex God. And I get chicks like this all the time because my dick is like, twelve inches! No joke! I fucking impale them bitches!
“All right man!” Matt high fives Ryan and continues listening intently as he sipped from his beer. He imagined the chick like, all naked and shit. That totally turned him on. Which is why Ryan's story connected with him so much. He liked pussy too!
Damn it is awesome having a dick!
Ryan raises his bottle and the other two clanged their containers together, symbolizing male unity or some shit. He sips from his whiskey. “Like, my boner is going away at this point because I'm all like, shit girl, I've nailed finer bitches than you before breakfast this morning. But she was all like 'Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.'
“To which I reply, 'All the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.'
“And she's all like crying and shit because I'm holding out on her. Bitches can't get enough of the big D, bra. And I can like, make them make me dinner and wipe my ass when I use the rest room. One girl even saves my spit and errant hairs in a jar so that she can carry me around with her everywhere.
“But this chick just wouldn't stop, bra! She's all like tearing my boxers off, which sucks because I liked those boxers, but it's cool because I'm like, totally rich and it's a chick doing it, so. You know. If it was a dude I'd be all like, sorry bro, I'm not a fag. Then I'd kick his ass for being a fag. Fags are fags. ¿Uh huh huh ha ha ha ha huh uh?
“Then I said 'Ooga ooga! Me man. You woman. Me on top!'
“And then she like, started sucking me off dude, but she couldn't get it all in her mouth because my schlong is, like, twelve inches. It's totally huge, bra! Some chicks get scared when they see my massive man meat. They're all like 'My vagina is so small and you're so big! How ever will you fuck me? Oh stretch me! Stretch me, Ryan! Stretch my vaginal cavity to accommodate your Eiffel Tower sized one eyed bandit!' Sometimes when ever I'm in an argument with another dude or a ho, I'll whip it out and smack them with it. Hit them right side on their noggin. You know, instead of punching, I use my dick. It's so big that it's like a little extra arm that can be used to beat the shit out of fags with. Fags totally hate it when I beat them with my massive pulsating man cock.
Matty and Marty gave each other a quizzical glance. Then they laughed.
“But she was just sitting there, sucking on it. I put my hand on her head and I pushed it all the way down to the base of my cock. And she totally took it bra! She did a hand stand on my legs so her throat wouldn't be bending when she took it in; so she could take all of my penis!
“Then I turned her over and slammed it right into her stinker! She screamed with pain and lust. She screamed 'La cucaracha! La cucaracha! Da da da da da da da!' over and over again! It made me so hard bra. I went deep into her colon and gave her a one of my special Ryan cock enema. She'll be shitting so good for years to come man. That is unless I packed it in so tight that she now has to get pieces of her colon removed, but hey, bitch can't complain, she totally asked for it! Begged me even!
“So I'm pounding away at her incredibly fat ass, bitch has got to weigh like a hundred and ten pounds, fucking blimp, and it occurs to me that if I come in her ass then I'm a fag. And I'm not a fag. Are you guys fags?”
Marty and Matty shake their heads. Marty laughs “Na bra. I ain't no fag.”
Matt smiled. “Honest to God pussy lover.” He laughs.
Ryan, satisfied with his friend's sexual tendencies, continues. “So I take it out and wipe the shit and blood (from busting her pussy) off my pulsating twelve inch cock and then I bring it home in her cooch. I ram and ram and she's moaning from the best sex she'll ever had. Seriously bra, chicks tell their friends then they cheat on their man with me. I don't condone it but I'm not going to stop a chick from mouth hugging my cock. It's here for all bitches to enjoy.
“But if a fag wants to suck my cock maybe... Um... No way! I'd kick his lily ass! Fucking fags!
“So I asked her 'Hey' I say 'you want me to cum? Inside or on your face?'
“So she replies 'On my face! Make me into the dirty whore you think I am!'
“And I'm all like, I can't argue with that, so I pull out and jack it until a huge glob of my stuff comes shooting out, hitting her in the eyes and getting all in her hair and shit. She feels around for it and what sticks to her fingers goes in her mouth. She then kisses me and I'm all like 'huh. Semen isn't that bad.' But then I'm all like 'Bitch! Trying to make me into a fag!' and I hit the bitch with my dick, not at all unlike how I deal with fags who are tall and hung. Then she cries, wanting more of my cock. But I'm all like, spent. So I says 'get out of here bitch!' and she's all like 'But Daddy Ryan! I needs your legendary phallus!'
“And I'm all like 'get out of here you dirty cunt! And she puts on her now even wetter clothes (Because I like, came all over her clothes too. There was enough to go around bra!) and heads out the door crying like her Pug just got ran over by Dick Cheney. So I am left sitting naked on my recliner and I notice my cock. It's big and bulging and it makes me wonder what Cory's dick looks like. But then I remember that I'm not a fag.”
“Cory Leechman?” Marty asks, eyebrow raised.
“Yeah.” Ryan says with a wistful look in his eyes. “Yeah, he's a fag.
Marty thinks about how much ass Cory gets and is confused by the non-sequitur.
Ryan continues. “So I start playing Xbox again, and I hear a knocking at my door again. I'm all like 'fuck! It better be a chick at the door!' Because if it was a fag I'd fuck'em!
Matt and Marty both say “What?!” at the same time.
“I meant fuck them up! Not fuck them.” Ryan laughs “I'm not a fag.” He then returns to his story that he had started after being asked what time it was. “Anyway, sure enough, it is! A small bodied, bit big boobed, red head with streaks of eyeliner dripping from her eyes and onto her cheeks.
“'I've been masturbating to my memory of you like all day.' She says.
“And I'm all like, 'Cool.'
“And then she's all like 'You wanna fuck me in the ass and cum inside my colon?'
“Normally I'm not a fag, but that sounds just great. So I rub some water based lubricant on my junk (Pineapple flavored) while she's getting undressed. And right as her panties drop I'm inside her like a fag on a fag. It was awesome! She was like totally into it too. My twelve in cock rammed into her tight ass like a chainsaw through a cow. It was amazing! Then I came in her trunk and the junk slowly leaked out of her as she was putting back on her clothes. Cuz, you know I don't let bitches stay at my place. Bitches can stink a place up. Make it smell like sour fish.
“As she was leaving she stuck a finger up her ass and then tasted it. 'Tastes like Ryan's liquid children all right.' she said with a smile. Because, you know, my stuff is like sweet and sort of tastes like apples.”
Matt leans back instinctively. Ryan waves him off. “At least that's what chicks tell me and their friends. I could seriously market my jizz as a protein shake for bitches. Anyways, she left the house through the front door and I locked it behind her. You know, in case some burglars were to come in the house and rape me like a fag. They would tie my hands behind my back, strip me naked (If I wasn't already naked that is) and then tie my feet up. I wear like a size fourteen dude. That's one of my pick up lines. 'You know I got pretty big feet.' I would say. Then I'd add 'And a twelve in cock.' because, you know, bra, girls love big dicks. All that shit about size doesn't matter. Tell that to a girl who just got fucked by a twelve inch dick. She can't possibly say that's better than your tiny six inch thing that no one cares about.
“None taken.” His two friends, Matt and Mark said as they sat around the camp fire, both enthralled and a little frightened by their friend's tale of love and big boobies.
“So I'm sitting here thinking about the anal raping I would get from these fags so I go work out in at the the twenty four hour fitness place down by Colorado Blvd. Working on my delts, you know. I like working out. It keeps me in shape. I like totally got an eight pack. Here...” Ryan lifted his shirt for his friends to see. And indeed, he had an impressive set of abs. “Touch it.” He said.
Matt looked at his friend with concern in his eyes, he took another sip of the Coors Light in his right hand and poked Ryan's abs with the other. It was hard to the touch and the skin on top felt like it was rolling on his muscles. Ryan smiled, bearing his massive set of white teeth. He then turned over to Marty. With a nod, he smiled. Was Marty supposed to touch him too?
Marty took a long, deep gulp from his beer and shook his head. “I'll take your word for it.”
“What?” Ryan said, offended. “Think it makes you a fag?”
Marty looked at Matt, who nodded nervously, insinuating that it was Marty's turn to touch Ryan. He did so. And cringed as his finger tips slid from one ab to the other. He pulled back immediately
Ryan slapped the two of them on their backs where they sat on either side of him. Ryan let out a horrible guffaw that sounded sorta like a donkey getting kicked in the balls.
“Anyways,” Ryan said as he took a drink from his Tennessee Honey Jack Daniels. “I'm working out and I get a boner. So I'm all like, I need a bitch man. So I call every girl in my little black book, and what do you know? Every one of them wants to fuck me. I'm telling you bra, chicks love the twelve inch cock.” Ryan pointed to his nether regions and took a long swig from the whiskey bottle. “But also my mind. Because I can do Einstein shit with my brain. But instead of instantly getting some head by the chick working out next to me, I decide that I gotta work on my gluts, you know. You gotta work out bra!”
Ryan lifted his shirt again to show them that yes, yes indeed, he showed signs of having worked out many times over the course of many months and / or years. Matty stared at it like it was something you'd see in a zoo. He was afraid that it would bite him if he got too close. Marty seemed to share his sentiments exactly. They both took a swig from their beers. Marty finished his and crushed the can with his meager size eleven Converse sneakers. He got up and went to the cooler by the car and got another beer. He sat back down, but this time he was sitting in front of Ryan instead of right by him. Matt looked at him nervously, as if he needed an excuse too. But he had none. So Ryan continued.
“So I go outside to smoke a fat blunt, right? And this fag comes up to me. And I'm all like 'What? You wanna fuck me or something?' Then he says I'm kinda cute and he'll think about it. So I whip out my dick and decide to make him pay for messing with a hetero. So I sodomize him with my twelve inch cock!”
“You what?” Matt said excitedly.
“You know. Back in the old days if you wanted to punish somebody you'd sodomize them. It's all in the bible, bra. Have you ever read the bible?”
“Yes.” Marty says, exasperated. “I have. And they condemn sodomy!”
“But, like the olden guys who wanted to teach somebody a lesson, they'd sodomize them. Right?”
Matt looked at Marty, who offered no help. Then he looked toward Mike, not looking him in the eyes. “In fact Leviticus says if you lie with a man like you lie with a woman, blood will be on your hands, and you will surely be put to death.” Matt took a deep breath. “Or something like that.” He took another long sip from his beer and finished it.
Ryan laughed. “Well I found a loop hole. Because you aren't technically supposed to lie with a chick in her ass, so I'm not lying with a woman the way I'd lie with a man.” He took a swig of his whiskey then wiped his lips with his CU sweater sleeve. “Right?”
“No dude.” Marty said. “I think you just fucked a guy.”
“No.” Ryan said defensively. “I sodomized him.”
“What's the difference.” Matt asked with his hands up in the air
Marty shook his head, irritated. “In fact I think the whole Bible is pretty much against sodomy. I mean, isn't that what those guys wanted to do with the angels in Sodom and Gomorrah. Sodomy is basically Sodom with a 'y' tagged onto it, if that tells you anything.” He spit on the ground to the right of his feet. “Besides, it's really, really gay to sodomize a dude.”
“Yeah.” Matt said, uncertain of what to say next. “I mean. That's like 'Lady Gaga supports your lifestyle' gay.”
“Sodomy means I'm not a fag.”
“Anally raping a man because he pissed you off is still homosexual.” Marty said.
“Whoa.” Ryan raised his hands and then lowered them, as if settling a cosmic force with some hand gestures. “I'm totally not a fag.”
Marty and Matt stared at him for the longest time.
“Seriously bra. Would a fag do this?” And he stood up and started to unzip his pants.
“Holy shit!” Matt said. Marty did a spit take with the cold Coors in his mouth. Marty then looked at Matt, who then looked at Marty, and then both of his friends sprung up from where they sat and started running towards their cars. Ryan stood there like a wooden squirrel with his jeans unzipped. Within seconds Ryan heard their respective engines come to life. And as fast as they had ran from Ryan's privates, they were gone just as fast. Within a minute they are already headed for the highway from the back road that led to the camping spot far, far from the Rocky Mountains. They left in such a hurry that they even left their camping shit there. Ryan, deterred and alone, pulled out his five inch penis from the fly on his boxers. He stroked it and was disappointed when it did not respond.
“I'm not a fag...” He said with a sigh.