Dogey Dogey
By: David McGhee
They had a pug. His
name was Alfred and he had the happiest little stupid face of all
puppydom. Alfred loved to partake of the occasional trashcan, as most
mutts tend to do. He would lick your hand and la di da. It's a
fucking dog. I have a problem with dogs personally. They are stupid
entities that have been bred into a state where they rely solely on
human help. Most breeds can't hunt on their own like a cat could.
In fact dogs were
originally domesticated because they would venture into towns and the
townspeople would feed them, causing the hounds to come closer and
closer until they had no qualms about having to mess with these
wonderful beings with the delicious foodstuffs like bacon and birds.
Alfred loved chicken.
For such a small
dog Alfred sure knew how to raise hell. Like how I said that little
pup loved to eat the fowl he also loved to kill and then eat the
fowl. We all thought that Alfred would just bark at the chicken. Well
he sort of did that. The chicken just started flapping it's wings and
Alfred went immediately for the neck. That little bastard had the
bite of a frigging diesel powered machine. Like a god damn deer
tractor. I wouldn't be damned if the little fucker enjoyed himself
either. When he was done shaking the shit out of the chicken neck he
ran up to me and dropped it at my feet. If you've ever seen a pug
smile then just imagine a self satisfied serial chicken killing
monster dog. All ten pounds of chicken killing machine. I wouldn't
trust the little fagot loving dog with my hamster.
Then again I
wouldn't trust myself with a hamster. How long do those things live
anyways? I could never get one to live past three weeks.
I took Alfred for a
walk today and like any good dog owner I carry around trash bags so I
can grab the poo for future disposal. It was on this walk that I
learned that Alfred could talk. If I am remembering correctly there
was a series or is still a series on the FX Channel by that name. But
this was my Alfred. My little pug. My little bundle of fur, flesh,
and stupid.
We were walking
near Cheeseman Park when this tall scruffy blond haired dude walked
up to me when I was watching Alfred at his worst. If I didn't know
any better I would swear that Alfred was giving himself head! He did
that a lot. So much in fact that when I asked my vet if something was
wrong with him and he said “Eh... Everybody jerks off.” and left
it at that.
One of the many
awkward moments this dog has orchestrated just to spite me. I know I
talked about dogs having a sort of stupid intelligence but this thing
must be the Einstein of poop eaters. That's another thing that pisses
me off about this fucking white fuck of fluff. If I don't get to his
poo before he does then he will ingest it, then throw it up, and then
eat it again. All of this takes place at my door every night.
He has lately taken
to shitting on my door step. I can't say for sure but I think that
maybe me kicking him in the kidneys for fun just might not be what
the little fella is thinking of in a human companion. Little asshole.
Once I started petting it and calling it stupid retarded names with a
coo in my voice it started to mind my door step. It utterly amazed me
that the little fucker could put two and two together.
Dogs scare the crap
out of me sometimes. But the cool thing that I like about old Al is
that even when he is trying his hardest to come off like a bad ass,
he is still a ten pound pug. He's utter hilariousness and sometimes I
get caught up in the fun and I punt him like a football. I want to
try my pug out for the Denver Bronco's as the franchise's first ever
living football. Just imagine Tim Tebow gunning his foot on a ten
pound pug ugly son of a bitch? I can imagine it's stomach exploding
with the mighty foot force of Tim Tebow's amazing legs. Sigh...
Tim Tebow is the
kind of fellow I would love to see in a locker room. But I have no
delusions of grandeur. I can take the idea of a six inch Tim Tebow.
If the man is modest then all the more hurray for him! And I mean
that. Because normal penises are well... Well they're just great.
El oh el.
Smily face.
That little pig
faced son of a bitch. I know it was a son of a bitch too because
technically all male dogs are sons of bitches. Because females dogs
are called bitches? See how I did that? Hilariousness!
Alfred once found a
pocket in the ground containing trace amounts of uranium. I shit you
not! Little asshole just ate up the radioactive rocks, and this is
not to say that he only ate the uranium specks he saw and left most
of the regular rocks and dirt unscathed. It was like the little hash
tag stupid dog just got the itch that could only be scratched by
swallowing lethal doses of uranium. But to all of our amazement the
little shit just pooped them out. He stayed radioactive for a few
months after that but thank goodness he must have a good metabolism
because he's no longer reading on the geiger meter. I mean any more
than any normal living thing. I swear this fucking dog has nine
lives!
Speaking of it
swallowing things I swear this thing must have the internal plumbing
of a fucking battery processing robot. Not shitting you, this little
pug bastard ate and shit a battery. A double A battery. My dog Alfred
ate and shit a double A battery. Beautiful.
“Fucking A!” My
dog would shout at me. Oh yeah, remember when I said my dog could
talk? Well he can. And he's annoying as fuck!
Imagine if a pug
could talk slash bark his way into the American people's heart. I
imagine that in some awesome Oriental country they would dine on a
delicacy that is a pug bug stupid dogey. They would eat his righteous
ass with teriyaki sauce. That smug bastard. Leg of some young chow.
If there were any animal that should be eaten it would have to be
man's best friend. Those things have an awful intelligence about
them, as I have ranted on before, and they know that you don't like
them.
But they don't care
though. Because they know that by pooping on your door step and
eating your third copy of Stephen King's The Stand is yet one line
that has long since been drawn. You never have a cat doing shit like
that. They know that because they know that if they fuck some shit up
then theys are getting boots to their puss! Talking about an angry
pussy!
Rowr!
Smiley face.
And let's talk
about meat for the military, you could feed our starving troops over
seas if we just take a cue from the Chinese. And I don't mean to
sound racist but they really do do that shit. Just look it up. When
the Beijing Olympics happened the government officials over in China
banned the sale of cat and dog as an edible commodity. I shit you
not.
Heard it from a
reputable sounding site. Then again what can you truly trust on the
internet? I mean come on! The most believable things you hear of
nowadays are Onion headlines.
Right?
Yeah?
*Grasshoppers
chirp*
But seriously. You
may think I'm being racist but when the truth is awful to our uppity
culture and is delicious on the other side, I tend to side with the
deliciousness. If somebody afford me some barbequed chow I'd live to
have a breast piece. Because chows piss me off and they be eating
dogs. That's why they're called chows!
It's like some big
fucking practical joke. But it isn't. And they do and would offer me
Barbeque chow. And I would eat it. Because that means they would have
had to kill the dog. I fucking condone puppy murder. But I would
never hurt one myself.
What can I cay? I'm
just a hardcore cat lover.
Either you're with
us or you're not.
Although this
little shithead is growing on me. Who knows? Maybe I won't eat my
doggy after all.
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