By: David McGhee
They had a pug. His name was Alfred and he had the happiest little stupid face of all puppydom. Alfred loved to partake of the occasional trashcan, as most mutts tend to do. He would lick your hand and la di da. It's a fucking dog. I have a problem with dogs personally. They are stupid entities that have been bred into a state where they rely solely on human help. Most breeds can't hunt on their own like a cat could.
In fact dogs were originally domesticated because they would venture into towns and the townspeople would feed them, causing the hounds to come closer and closer until they had no qualms about having to mess with these wonderful beings with the delicious foodstuffs like bacon and birds. Alfred loved chicken.
For such a small dog Alfred sure knew how to raise hell. Like how I said that little pup loved to eat the fowl he also loved to kill and then eat the fowl. We all thought that Alfred would just bark at the chicken. Well he sort of did that. The chicken just started flapping it's wings and Alfred went immediately for the neck. That little bastard had the bite of a frigging diesel powered machine. Like a god damn deer tractor. I wouldn't be damned if the little fucker enjoyed himself either. When he was done shaking the shit out of the chicken neck he ran up to me and dropped it at my feet. If you've ever seen a pug smile then just imagine a self satisfied serial chicken killing monster dog. All ten pounds of chicken killing machine. I wouldn't trust the little fagot loving dog with my hamster.
Then again I wouldn't trust myself with a hamster. How long do those things live anyways? I could never get one to live past three weeks.
I took Alfred for a walk today and like any good dog owner I carry around trash bags so I can grab the poo for future disposal. It was on this walk that I learned that Alfred could talk. If I am remembering correctly there was a series or is still a series on the FX Channel by that name. But this was my Alfred. My little pug. My little bundle of fur, flesh, and stupid.
We were walking near Cheeseman Park when this tall scruffy blond haired dude walked up to me when I was watching Alfred at his worst. If I didn't know any better I would swear that Alfred was giving himself head! He did that a lot. So much in fact that when I asked my vet if something was wrong with him and he said “Eh... Everybody jerks off.” and left it at that.
One of the many awkward moments this dog has orchestrated just to spite me. I know I talked about dogs having a sort of stupid intelligence but this thing must be the Einstein of poop eaters. That's another thing that pisses me off about this fucking white fuck of fluff. If I don't get to his poo before he does then he will ingest it, then throw it up, and then eat it again. All of this takes place at my door every night.
He has lately taken to shitting on my door step. I can't say for sure but I think that maybe me kicking him in the kidneys for fun just might not be what the little fella is thinking of in a human companion. Little asshole. Once I started petting it and calling it stupid retarded names with a coo in my voice it started to mind my door step. It utterly amazed me that the little fucker could put two and two together.
Dogs scare the crap out of me sometimes. But the cool thing that I like about old Al is that even when he is trying his hardest to come off like a bad ass, he is still a ten pound pug. He's utter hilariousness and sometimes I get caught up in the fun and I punt him like a football. I want to try my pug out for the Denver Bronco's as the franchise's first ever living football. Just imagine Tim Tebow gunning his foot on a ten pound pug ugly son of a bitch? I can imagine it's stomach exploding with the mighty foot force of Tim Tebow's amazing legs. Sigh...
Tim Tebow is the kind of fellow I would love to see in a locker room. But I have no delusions of grandeur. I can take the idea of a six inch Tim Tebow. If the man is modest then all the more hurray for him! And I mean that. Because normal penises are well... Well they're just great.
El oh el.
That little pig faced son of a bitch. I know it was a son of a bitch too because technically all male dogs are sons of bitches. Because females dogs are called bitches? See how I did that? Hilariousness!
Alfred once found a pocket in the ground containing trace amounts of uranium. I shit you not! Little asshole just ate up the radioactive rocks, and this is not to say that he only ate the uranium specks he saw and left most of the regular rocks and dirt unscathed. It was like the little hash tag stupid dog just got the itch that could only be scratched by swallowing lethal doses of uranium. But to all of our amazement the little shit just pooped them out. He stayed radioactive for a few months after that but thank goodness he must have a good metabolism because he's no longer reading on the geiger meter. I mean any more than any normal living thing. I swear this fucking dog has nine lives!
Speaking of it swallowing things I swear this thing must have the internal plumbing of a fucking battery processing robot. Not shitting you, this little pug bastard ate and shit a battery. A double A battery. My dog Alfred ate and shit a double A battery. Beautiful.
“Fucking A!” My dog would shout at me. Oh yeah, remember when I said my dog could talk? Well he can. And he's annoying as fuck!
Imagine if a pug could talk slash bark his way into the American people's heart. I imagine that in some awesome Oriental country they would dine on a delicacy that is a pug bug stupid dogey. They would eat his righteous ass with teriyaki sauce. That smug bastard. Leg of some young chow. If there were any animal that should be eaten it would have to be man's best friend. Those things have an awful intelligence about them, as I have ranted on before, and they know that you don't like them.
But they don't care though. Because they know that by pooping on your door step and eating your third copy of Stephen King's The Stand is yet one line that has long since been drawn. You never have a cat doing shit like that. They know that because they know that if they fuck some shit up then theys are getting boots to their puss! Talking about an angry pussy!
And let's talk about meat for the military, you could feed our starving troops over seas if we just take a cue from the Chinese. And I don't mean to sound racist but they really do do that shit. Just look it up. When the Beijing Olympics happened the government officials over in China banned the sale of cat and dog as an edible commodity. I shit you not.
Heard it from a reputable sounding site. Then again what can you truly trust on the internet? I mean come on! The most believable things you hear of nowadays are Onion headlines.
But seriously. You may think I'm being racist but when the truth is awful to our uppity culture and is delicious on the other side, I tend to side with the deliciousness. If somebody afford me some barbequed chow I'd live to have a breast piece. Because chows piss me off and they be eating dogs. That's why they're called chows!
It's like some big fucking practical joke. But it isn't. And they do and would offer me Barbeque chow. And I would eat it. Because that means they would have had to kill the dog. I fucking condone puppy murder. But I would never hurt one myself.
What can I cay? I'm just a hardcore cat lover.
Either you're with us or you're not.
Although this little shithead is growing on me. Who knows? Maybe I won't eat my doggy after all.