Grilled Cheese From Hades!

Grilled Cheese From Hades!

By: David McGhee

I am currently eating a delicious grilled cheese samich with four, count them, four apple slices. I owe all this and more to my best beau Franky Poo. He doesn't really poo all that much though. But I find that it fits.

More about the samich. It has been manufactured with pepper jack cheese. Some deliciously delicious gourmet white bread, and a panini press. Holy shit this is awesome!

I just ate my apples. I miss them now. Without apples how will I tame the fire in my mouth that will surely ensue if I ingest this wonderful piece of foodstuffs! Oh poor me.

I'm diving in now.

First bite: Crunchy and full of butter spread goodness. Oh! Oh! I can taste the pepper jack cheese now. It's so spicy! It wants me to eat more. I will keep you all informed as this major media event goes down.

Second bite: Well, I'm holding in there. I remember being little and eating grilled cheese samiches. Although I remember nothing about that ever happening. But I know it did. Perhaps David medicatedeth too much whilst a young boy? A young boy with jiggly!

Third bite: Okay dudes and bitches. Shit just got real. I'm like eating this samich and this dude on a bike comes by. He ain't all that pretty but I let him pass me just the same. Stupid not attractive bike riders.

Fourth bite: Then a tall, handsome bike rider came by and was all like “What's up?” I was all like “Nothin' homie.” And he was all “Coo.” And I was all like “Coo.” You know. Cause' we coo.

Fifth bite: I love it when Frank buys great cheese! It's totally real cheese too! I am thinking about making this a daily habit. That and bike shorts.

I would like to inform you more on my gastrothingy, but the time has come... For me to watch Monster's University! Hurray! I love free Redbox rentals. :-D

More on this in a few...

...Well. It's been one hundred and four minutes since starting that movie. And now I'm done. Monster's University was, flat out, not as good as the first one. Or the second one? It's a prequal. Meaning that it takes place before the first one. Something like that.

I was personally offended with this movie and it's lack of explicit monster sex. Plus where was the booze and drugs? Why when I was in college I did crack! It kinda got me some bad grades and shit... Crack and cocaine and heroin ruined my life. I like drugs because they are better than any other antidepressant or antipsychotic. I'm never sad on drugs, aside from when the cops bust me. That's always a buzzkill.

Now I don't even drink. I smoke the green stuff but so what? What are you my mom? Because if you were then you'd be dead. Why would a dead person read my blog? That's just gross.

Speaking of gross. Female pubes Eeewww...

I know what you are all thinking now. Why mention the pubes when there are three fingers being chewed on all day and night by Mrs. Vickie. Yes, Mrs. Vickie drank her high ball and always invited all the pizza men and milkman (They still exist!) into her living room. Where she'd drink more vodka and talk about how Roger don't know how to please a woman. What happens next is usually the guy's fault. I mean, she is pretty hot. So warm and pudding like...

I was reading Stephen King when I farted. His writing is very fart. If I could fart Stephen King I'd fart him about my fart and his book fart. It farted me so very much. :-)

October 31st 2013

October 31^st 2013

By: David McGhee

12am: Still up from the day before. I was reading Nightmares and Dreamscapes by Stephen King. Notable short stories include Dolan's Cadillac, Home Delivery, and Suffer the Little Children.

The first story is about this dude who killed this dudes wife. So the dude becomes a construction worker so he can make detours and use the equipment to dig a hole in the road. Then the other dude who killed the other dude's wife goes in it and gets stuck. Then the good dude (good?) buries him alive. Then it sort of ends there. Something about years going by and him having pancakes with Jimmy Hoffa.

Suffer the Little Children was about this teacher who thinks her students are fucking with her. So instead of realizing she is a crazy bitch, she shoots the little people. Then of course the school and government officials get a bug up their ass and send her to the looney bin. Where she eventually kills herself. Something about a doctor noticing the kids with downs syndrome looking at him funny, and the end.

Home Delivery is about this dude going away to sea and drowning or some shit. And the girl in the narrator position talks ad nauseam about how he had a big dick or some shit like that. And then the man comes back to her as a zombie and she hacks him up.

I really want to read the Shawshank Redemption.

1am-3pm: I dream about cookies and panties and big ole' model boys.

3pm-4... Okay, enough of that shit

We spent the day doing jack shit and got no trick or treaters. What I wouldn't give to gets me some tall dark and legal! What? Yeah, I just switched subjects.

He works at this local chicken shack and apparently he's married. But that's only to a woman. I bet if I was given one night with him, I could make him into a sinner. He looks like a church boy. It would be cool if he was a major man whore though. Then he'd be fulfilling his evolutionary duty as an alpha male to inseminate as many females as he could during his fertile period, which would be puberty to seventy seven. What a fucking man whore! Or at least I wish. Imagine his man stuff acting as the mayonnaise on my chicken samich? Eeewww! Tall, Dark, and Legal he may be, but I always spit. Why in the hell did I even conjure that up!?

I'm turning my boyfriend onto this show on Netflix called “Supernatural.” I know it was on the CW before and... Um... Sam and Dean are awesome!!!

And shirtless. :-D

This is why no one will ever love me. :-(

Sam doesn't fuck as much as Dean does. But Dean is tall and manly just like Sam. But he uses his position in life to be a man whore. Like this one episode this little kid saw his father get killed. So Dean, being the man whore he is, helps the kid out and kills the monster and shows the kid that life is awesome. All just to get his dick wet in the mother. Oh you better believe she put out after shit like that! Hot damn! I want Dean spooge now...

From his pecker.

I had like five Butterfingers yesterday. I need to eat another one so it can be six. Even numbers are important to your health and safety. Why I even make sure that if I wake up on my right foot then I always go to sleep on my left. It's just common sense! Things like not stepping on cracks. It's not for your mother's benefit and it never was! It's all really a conspiracy from the sidewalk companies so that their sidewalks won't buckle and shit. But in reality you don't want to step on them because of the fucking panic attack that would ensue.

Your body gets sweaty.

Your mouth tastes like copper.

Suddenly all the other males want to kill you.

Why aren't I taller?

Ooh! Carrot cake! :-D

Mmm... Carrot crotch.

That was my bad, I thought I saw a rabbit. I saw a good amount of them when I went to the Miniature golfing place with Frank and Drew that one time. Fuckers went a second time without me. But I showed them!

No.

No I didn't.

Oh well. I suppose I don't deserve love after all.

Yes I am high. But on pot. It's legal here in Colorady. As is wearing socks. I like wearing socks. I wonder what Tall, Dark, and Legal's feet look like? I'd be very upset if they weren't well taken care of. For if you are an alpha male, you must have good feet to chase after prey and smaller males. To kill and eat and beat your chest like an animal! FUCKING MAN WHORE!

Back to the book though. I'm reading this story in it now about this little black lady eats this handsome writer's spooge and then her son (whom she's quick with apparently...) grows up to be a successful author. I for one know that talent and good looks do not come from eating another man's spooge. Last time I try anything fun...

But let's get serious here for a second. I'm a really awful person. I wish everything about me would change. I have severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder and I know how to use it! Seriously, every other person on this big old rock and water ball are better people than me (as pictured above). I have this recurring dream where a good looking guy is showing off in front of his blond how he can be a dick to me. Then he stabs me repeatedly and kicks me until I stop breathing. All the while the girl is telling him how sexy he is. Then everything goes white. Then to black. And then for who know's how long until the dream ends, I feel not sadness. I wish I could get that just died feeling in pill form.

I Do Not Think you are Ready for This Jelly

I Do Not Think you are Ready for This Jelly

By: David McGhee

Hey all you wonderful people out there! I can't believe I'm tracking an average of 150 viewers a day. Thank you guys so much for that! :-)

As you may have noticed I haven't posted in a few days. The interviews are lagging and my creative mind has been ruptured previously due to a nasty stomach infection. Again. Stupid Chaboni Yogurt. Giving me H. Pylori and shirt. Yeah! I call for a two week boycott of their yogurt! Effective retroactively two weeks ago! Yeah bitches. I just totally did that. Oh yeah.

I'm really medicated right now so I'll get down to the point. Boo. It's Halloween and shit and my roommates hate horror movies. So I suppose the closest thing I'll get to see of the horror variety this year will most likely either be “John Dies in the End” or “The Avengers.”

You know what? Wait a second; let me backtrack here. I just saw Thor last night. You know? The one where the guy is tall and he beats people up because he's tall and he abuses people with a hammer made from the something of the Gods or some shit? His shirtless scenes were to my satisfaction but the lack of penetration in this movie left a bitter taste in the back of my mouth. Because that's where you taste sour right? Fuck if I know. I just know that all the taste buds are on all the upper surface of the tongue. If you knew that, give yourself a gold star. If you don't have one then drive to the store! You fucking rich kid man whore. I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU! Not with butt sex, but with my appalling butt face.

Man I wish I had the nerve to post my butt on the internet. Despite what many may say, I have sort of a problem with my body image. Others may see me as the small pudgy guy or thin or whatever the fuck they say while I believe that I am a walking vaginal cavity. The kind with all those weird lips and shit! Eeeewwww....

I hope this man rots alive in his Denver apartment!

Man, if I was straight and confident in myself and my height then I would be Prince Harry. I bet that dude gets his ginger pubes all over a bitch's mouth. She be getting it stuck in her teeth from blowing the fire crotched prince of England. Fuck if I just had ten minutes with him... I'd totally show him my music and this blog and I'd like to tell him that he is a very handsome man. Then I'll congratulate him on being tall and red headed. Chicks dig it. That and I bet his feet are fantastic! But I'm not sure I would ask him that out loud. I've been told that by doing that I am weirding the other guy when I bring up the subject of feet. I wonder if his toes have little red hairs on them? Would that be appropriate to ask?

My mind just sort of works this way. I'm really smart but my Aspergers gives me a lack of social understanding. I don't mean to creep someone out or irritate them. There is this one guy one my Facebook and Twitter who hates me no matter how nice I am to him. I don't understand why I'm so annoying?

I know one reason has to be my high weird voice. Don't believe me? Just sift through my catalog of recordings over at http://goodbyetimebomb.bandcamp.com

I swear I'm not grabbing for attention. I used to do that but now I'm pretty oblivious to what goes on around me. As I said, I can possibly do really advanced math if I tried but I swear I will never remember to look both ways across a fourway while the walk light is red. I'm so silly! Ha ha. Splat!

Also I recently watched The Avengers. Holy shit was it good! I don't remember dick about the story but you got to see Captain America (Chris Evans) shirtless in all of his sexy sexiness! I wish I looked like Chris Evans. I bet he knows he's hot and he's a total man whore. His brother is gay did you know that? So he may not get mad at me if when I meet him, I ask for a spoonful of his hearty man chowder. He seems like a scary big dude. Tall and / or big men really scare me.

Asshole! But soooo manly...

I suppose this fear / attraction thing started in high school. I was thirteen and I witnessed all of my friends and classmates grow taller than me. Plus I started to notice how they were thinner than me. Some even had abs. I remember one time I had this kid over from my class and he slept with his shirt off. I must of stared with my jealous eyes for over a minute because he noticed me looking at him and asked me if I was a fag.

Sure... Why not. I didn't even hit puberty until I was like sixteen. Partly because of the heavy duty anti-psychotics or flat out fucking tranquilizers and the other half was just shitty genetics on my part. My brother is probably an inch taller than me but I didn't reach my full adult height of five seven until I was twenty six.

So while I was a man stuck in a child's body, all the other guys I knew were turning into men. Really attractive young men. I wouldn't have even entertained the notion that I could be gay at that time. I didn't come out until I was like twenty two. It was Ian Cooke that put the idea in my head. He was so awesomely nice to me. He was tall but he was so nice. While I still had a lot of tension on my end, he was infinitely patient with me. I wish I could have come out to him directly. When I found out who I was (still am) it seemed like it was too late. I've never been romantic with anyone in my life before that. I mean to a guy. But even when I was with girls I still didn't feel that horrible moment defining click. That one where it just pops in your head and you ask your self “Is anyone really ready for my jelly?” It was horrible. I have had zero romantic experience before this and seeing him with another guy right after I told him that I think I was straight (or some bullshit like that...) he found another guy to enjoy his genitals with. I was scared of enjoying the sight of someone's penis. In print, internet, or in person. It horrified me. My dad said when I was like twelve that if I grew up to be a fruit then he'd kick the shit out of me. Loving guy.

I shouldn't rage on my Dad though. He was just crazy and he only reached out for help later in life instead of right away. I suppose he projected his fears onto me because I was openingly expressing my emotions and he was a horrible person socially. I think when I started acting out he saw himself or some shit. I don't know. I flunked psychology. But I suppose, to be fair, I was doing a lot of coke at the time.

Let's rock!

Anyways, Chris Evans scares me. I'm sure he'd hate me just as much as Prince Harry would. Me and my questions about their attractive feet... I don't know. I like manly body parts. Big hands, ect. Stuff like that. Although I know the whole foot / penis ratio thing is total bullshit. I wear size eleven shoe but alas, I am but an average down there man. Yet I know a guy who's six foot two, wears size nine shoe (Brandon Pirkle) and what I assume to be very large genitalia danglings. You can't trust that that shit.

The only way that is remotely reliable to predict a guy's size is to look at his fingers and toes. Long thin fingers and toes can signify large junk on a dude. I like to fantasize about it. Is that wrong?

Anyways, this is because the gene that controls finger and toe growth on involves itself with a male's penis length and possibly girth.

I wish I had me some long toes and fingers. I know my dad was big. What the fuck God!? You truly suck large donkey balls. But I don't really hate you. How can someone hate an imaginary being? Well... I suppose you can hate Superman or something? Shit happens and school buses full of children need saving. And for that we call him a hero? He's a fucking pedophile!

I hate Superman. At least in part because I wish I looked like him. Did you know that the guy who played Superman in that movie had such a big package that they spent a shit load of money digitally making his bulge smaller. What a life, am I right? Big dick and you get paid to repeat words on a paper with the appropriate emotion. Acting. I got it.

I like Joseph Gordon Levitt. I believe he will father many illegitimate children. I suppose this also needs explaining too. Not the whole Joseph Gordon Levitt is hot thing. That's a duh, but the association I have with taller handsomer men is that my mindset sees taller men as having a higher chance at reproducing because of their superior physical and mental traits. A person of higher bodily goodness has a better chance of a quality life on the evolutionary set of things. Bigger males are more attractive to women. And men's sweat is an aphrodisiac that women (and gay men) respond to very favorably. When a man's all working out and he's sweating and the chick walks into the room she goes “Holy shit! He be hot!” And then they proceed to make three aborted little girls.

It is of my belief that jerking off kills six million potential children every time you cum. They just slop onto a tissue or into a sock and they they dry out and die. That and they need the warm inner environment of something like a vagina to continue living for just a little while longer. The bullshit thing is that if a guy doesn't jack off then eventually he'll have the occasional wet dream and wipe out yet another generation of boys and girls. They never even had the chance!

I saw on The Colbert Report that this Democratic senator made a faux bill banning male masturbation in Oklahoma in an attempt to make fun of their anti abortion laws. This whole “life starts at conception” is total bull. Sure it may have a beating heart but it doesn't really have a nervous system, no brain, therefore it feels no pain and is not conscious. You may spend the rest of your life wondering what kind of man whore your son could have been (I say that all tall parents should abort their children at this stage) because aborting it would not physically harm the child in anyway that IT CAN FEEL! No nervous system, no concept of life. That is what I believe.

If you have waited more than a few months then I say put them up for adoption. Fucking religion and stupid men and woman saying they don't like condoms. You know what else is a horrible parasitic monster in almost every way that makes a parasite a parasite by definition which are human children.

Not saying I hate children. But if you can't support them or you are a tall man who is confident that his son will be tall, you should abort them six weeks to three months or sooner. Fucking tall people.

Tall people have no feelings.

Yeah, that sucked. Seeing everyone become adults. I still don't fully feel like I'm a grown up yet. I don't really care about sex at all. And my attractions are crushes at best. I just don't feel like I fit.

It is always cool when I meet someone else with Aspergers. I really believe that Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and that little goblin on In The Middle have the same shit I do. I actually used to be so like Sheldon. But opposed to their not pursuing help, I however have gotten therapy. The best thing for me is to hear facts instead of trying to work out my emotions. I wish I could feel more but to me, if it isn't logical, then why would I do it?

Why I ask you. Why?

I know this is abstract and cold. I do like people, I do. But it's hard to feel any real attachment or empathy with someone. I'm really happy that I've achieved a satisfactory level of affection with Frank. But other people weird me out. Einstein had Aspergers.

I like reading non fiction books a lot. Especially biographies. I am thankful that I got the right diagnosis at the Pueblo Colorado State Mental Facility. I forgotten everyone's name there except for Dr. Stuyt. She was so awesome. Since I wasn't making way with my addictions on an emotional level, she scared me off the drugs with some factual education. She told me to look at my addiction like an evolutionary problem. Or a math problem. Something like that. And the evolutionary system works for me. It will mean that I will forever give the tall men their due.

Fucking man whores...

Interview with Brandon Richard Whalen (of My Body Sings Electric)

Interview with Brandon Richard Whalen (of My Body Sings Electric)

By: David McGhee

My Body Sings Electric is sort of a band with hardcore guitars and indie vocals. The kids seem to like it so I have decided to exploit his fame and interview him for my own interests. That being said, this guy is pretty hot. Maris The Great was right, all the cute boys go to hardcore shows.

Wiser words have never been said. Because at hardcore show you got all the tall skinny sexy men taking off their shirt. I'd like to think they're doing it for me, but something tells me that skinny people just like showing off their sexy mcsex bodies.

I know if I wasn't short and chubby I'd be manwhoring it up!

Now for teh interview! :-D

1: Does your body really sing electric? I mean... Wouldn't that hurt?

It probably would hurt. The name was inspired by a poem by Walt Whitman called I Sing The Body Electric. It's sort of a nod to the way music can affect your mind and your body. It's also a little look at some personal philosophies of mine and maybe some of the other guys.

"Was it doubted that those who corrupt their own bodies conceal themselves; 5 And if those who defile the living are as bad as they who defile the dead? And if the body does not do as much as the Soul? And if the body were not the Soul, what is the Soul?"

2: How tall are you and what does that have to do with your current local fame?

I'm very average height. 5'10'' ish. Right in the meaty part of the curve. I have no idea how it impacts my "local fame."

3: Remember Monroe Monroe? Such a good band.

Hell yeah! Our bassist Jason did some bassing for them. They are great guys and made really killer music.

4: What kind of geetar do you use?

I mostly play my Takamine fp360sc. It's a 90's japanese only model that is kind of rare here in the states. I swing between loving and hating it.

I also have a 1976 Les Paul that was passed down to me by my father and I will murder anyone who even looks at it.

5: Have you ever had any formal training in geetaring or singing?

I took one semester of vocal lessons in college. Other than that I am completely self taught, of course with some help from my bandmates who are incredible and well trained musically.

6: As I have warned you, show us your bare feet!

You don't want to see what's going on down there. I wear sandals a lot (not ashamed) so catch me in the summer.

Approximation of Brandon's feet 

7: Do you guys get like a buttload of tail? Like in dirty groupies that would do anything to you or would let them do things to you?

I'm actually married, so my tail-getting days are over. Who knows if there are those groupies out there, I usually identify people's intentions right off the bat and slip out of any potentially awkward situations.

8: I hope you are using condoms. Are you using condoms?

No need. See question above.

*David's note: He must want to get some babies! HE MAKE BABIES!

9: What do you do for a day job?

I am a social media marketing strategist and head of marketing for Room 214 in Boulder, CO. Big boy job.

10: Are you going to release a new album? What will it be like? Any chance of it having some boobies on the cover?

We are releasing an album on Jan 28th called Part 1: The Night Ends. It will be a fun little journey, more indie, not so much pop punk (I still don't understand that description of us). There's a little side boob on the cover which is rad.

11: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck couldn't do it's taxes?

Are you asking for the wood chuck, or the government?

12: Are you seeing anyone right now? Or have you ever met someone that made you want to throw up because he / she was just so fine?

I am seeing my wife... until one of us dies or eternity or whatever. I have met someone who made me want to throw up because she is so beautiful so I wifed that gurl up.

13:What would you say that seeing you in person caused me a bit of Stendhal syndrome? That's like when you see something so beautiful that you are paralyzed.

I would be quite flattered... and also suspicious that you may be exaggerating. Regardless, thanks I put a lot of work into growing this beard.

14: If I would to ever save your life from a catastrophic explosion, how many tacos would you get for me?

That's probably worth a six pack and pound from Taco John's. It's quite a bit of food. Shoutout to my Wyoming people.

15: Let's get serious here for a moment, when did you lose your virginity? The world MUST know!

Oh gosh.... haha. I was 18 I think. I remember thinking... "that wasn't much of a big deal now was it?"

16: If you could piss off PETA, what kind of animal would you gleefully slaughter for the privilege?

IF I were in fact going to achieve this hypothetical goal to the fullest extent I would have to go with something incredibly cute, so sloth or red panda. Not that I would support anything like that.

17: Do you like to read? Because that would make you sooooooooooooooo hot! (Aside from the amazing body you already have.)

I do like to read! I'm just finishing up Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan. It's been a great reminder to always be skeptical of people who claim to know "the truth." PS. Thanks... been working on my bod a lot this year.

18: How did you guys meet up? Much like many Marvel Superheroes, everyone has an origin story.

My old band Arms Over Colorado played with Nick and Jeff's old band Nemonic. Then we realized we were best friends and the rest is history.

19: Any brand of soda you'd like to give a shout out too?

AYYY MELO YELLO THANKS FOR ALL THE FREE SWAG, DELICIOUS DRINKS AND SPARE MUSIC GEAR AT SXSW THAT ONE TIME IT MADE MY TRIP ALL REFRESHING AND SHIT!

20: In less than three words, describe your sleeping habits.

Up

All

Night

Interview with Elin Palmer

Interview with Elin Palmer

By: David McGhee

At first I knew her only by her Starbucks name, Elin Palmer. Little did I know that she was Elin Palmer! The violinist and vocalist super star of the Denver / Boulder area! I remember just turning twenty one and she invited me to see her play with Munly and the Lee Lewis Harlots at Benders Tavern down in downtown Denver. I remember knowing her for her sweet disposition and her almost naïve way of responding to people. It made her an awfully likeable person. She introduced me to Jay Munly and so now I have a friend with him. I remember him driving me home from the Larimer Lounge. :-)

Anyways, she blew me away with her black corset and stockings she wore for her stage show. It was really cool because the whole band got really into their characters. She was also dating their drummer, who is also cool. I once asked him to play drums for me but he said he had carpel tunnel. So I suppose that dream is dead.

Elin agreed to do this twenty question interview. It's her funeral!

This woman gave me coffee drinks!

1: Elin, Darling, how have you been since I last saw you? Have you eaten any cake since then?

I'm so swell thanks for asking. I have eaten cake since then, hence the swellness.

2: Show us your “O” face!

OH GOD! OH SWEET JESUS! OH GOD!!!

3: Do you have any recipes for good ethnic food?

Do you consider Italian ethic?

4: You're like, totally hot. Do you think you could make me straight? I'm like... Really, really gay.

Straight scared? Like fukishima salmonella sushi scared straight? There's probably an algorithm to help decide.

5: If you could be any kind of big ole' bear, who would you be? *My guess would be Nick Frost*

Polar Bear, definitely.

6: Thank you for feeding and me when I was no longer working for you. What is it with you and helping out hungry poor people? That's very un-Republican of you.

I'm a starving artist. Those born tired will know what I mean.

7: Would you ever buy me a sushi dinner if I paid for it?

See #4

8: What kind of violin do you play?

Fiddle

9: When did you start playing the violin?

post-utero, pre-formative years

10: Could I see your violin? I promise not to masturbate to it. In fact that would be very, very sick. Wouldn't you agree?

Yes, there's even photos in wide circulation of me posing with it.

11: Now if you don't mind... Show us your feet!

You need your nails did.

12: Which color Hungry Hungry Hippo would you be?

Orange is the hungriest color, duh.

13: Now that was racist... What do you think about a hippo ethnic cleansing?

I think that's basically what's going on in the Congo. For example, there are as few as 2500 pygmy elephants left. That's

14: Is eating rhinos bad? Like what if you were in a supermarket with a hundred dollars to spend on groceries and you were hungry, would you eat a

rhino then?

See #13.

15: Are you seeing anyone right now? Are you still with the same big old lovable hunk of a drummer? Seriously, I'd face fuck him.

I've received many gentlemen callers, but none keep the time as well as my baby's daddy.

16: When did you start singing? Were you taught how to sing or is it just natural?

In the shower. It came pretty naturally I suppose: one second I was shampooing, the next I was singing.

17: Seriously, you are an awesome person! How much upkeep does it take to be so awesome?

Your pretty awesome yourself. Upkeep can be hard. You're only as cool as the blogs you read

18: Do you believe the people who be surrounding me?

Totally.

19: Where can we find your wonderful music? Bandcamp? Itunes? I WANNA KNOW DAMMIT!!!

Itunes, yup. Come to my shows, buy a hardcopy, 'na mean?

20: If you had one last thing to say before diving into a huge T-bone steak, what would it be?

I hope it's organic?

Interview with Little Fyodor (Of the Little Fyodor and Babushka variety)

Interview with Little Fyodor (Of the Little Fyodor and Babushka variety)

By: David McGhee

I remember the first time I saw Little Fyodor I thought to myself 'What the hell!?' And when I was over that shock I immediately thought 'Is he human?' And finally I came to 'Holy fuck! This is so punk rock!'

I remember him and Babushka taking me in when I was too scared to face my father at home. They gave me soup for Christ's sake! I mean, what the fuck!?

So to get me some pay back for all the things I didn't do for them, I am making him answer my questions. Twenty questions to be exact.

And if he doesn't deliver then I'll probably just download his music for free. After all, I deserve that much out of this relationship.

I'd face fuck that!

1: Is your name really Fyodor? That's so Jewish! In my reality, it really is. Though in reality, Russians hate Jews (especially Dostoevsky)!

2: Did you know that every time you jack off you're killing six million Jews? That makes you worst than Hitler! Sins of the flesh. Hitler couldn't resist, and neither can I!!

3: When did you start playing the geetar? When I was twelve. That was so long ago I only remember false memories of it.

4: What brand of geetar do you use? What color and type and model and manufacture. And if you could give me the serial code, that would be greeeeeaaaat. I play two geetars. The one my Mommy bought me when I was twelve is a Kalamazoo, what Creedence Clearwater Revival sang about the poorboys twanging the rhythm out on. Then in a similar act of charity, my Walls Of Genius bud Ed sold me his 1974 Stratocaster for cheap. Cool shit.

5: Do you really believe that you deserve love? Not inherently. But I've sold my soul for it, that's why I deserve it, dammit!!

6: When you drink beer, what kind of ice cream would you eat afterwords? I've seen ice cream made from beer. Good shit!

7: It's twenty, twenty, twenty four hours to go. Do you wanna be sedated? I'm either under or over. Oh to be the Buddha!!

8: How did you learn to sing... Like THAT!? You don't learn insanity like this, buddy boy. It's just doing what comes naturally.

9: Do the world a favor AND SHOW US YOUR MANLY FEET!!!

They just ooze manly! (among other substances)

10: If two wood chucks chucked wood and the other two just polished their nails, then how does that equal 42? WHY IS IT ALWAYS 42!? Why not?

11: Do you like to read? If so what are your favorite books? I'm reading a book about law and disorder in the Wild West right now. Mostly I read bios of rock stars. Good shit.

12: If you would ever write a book, what would it be about? I used to want to write novels about societal neurosis. But it was easier to write songs.

13: How many slugs have you killed whilst doing the Dance Of The Salted Slug? I may have killed one friendship. It was heading that way anyhows.

14: I know I'm going to regret this but... would you consider taking me to the prom? You think I would take someone who asked to be? That's not how it works, buddy boy!

15: What is your favorite album you made? Beneath The Uber-Putz has the best songs, but Idiots Are Closer to God is more fun.

16: What's your favorite local bands? I mean... Other than Goodbye Timebomb, The Milkshakes, and Ginkins. The Inactivists, The Taints, Suzi Homewreker, Mr. Pacman, The Buckingham Squares.... I'm sure I missed a million.

17: I can't think of anything. Would you do a jig for me? As in, the jig's up, buddy boy?

18: Sweet tea or unsweetened tea? You answer may just result in the matrix collapsing. Slightly sweetened. Now I feel it closing in!

19: Why am I so attracted to you? I dunno. Maybe you're nuttier than Mr. Hanky after a trail mix fest?

20: If you were to ever go bungee jumping, what kind of meat would you eat in access quantities before jumping? Something that came from a pig.

You can find all things Fyodor right hea! :-D

A Walk in the Park

A Walk in the Park

By: David McGhee

What's up bitches and bitchettes? I've just had the most horrible experience in a long time, but that I will talk about second. You see, I recently went on a walk with my boyfriend and roommate at a park in Arvada that segged into Denver, Arvada, and Golden, depending on which way you take at the split.

First off we were greeted by what my boyfriend called art (I personally think they are workout machines for giants).

Drop down and give me twenty dollars!

I don't know why but they just pissed me off! While Frank was stacking rocks it came to me, but let me do a little spiel for you first. You see, about a week or less ago these three Boy Scout leaders (Grandpa, Father, and son if you can believe it!) were in Utah around those awesome balanced stones over in the national parks there. Super beautiful shit, seriously.

Penis rocks rock!

The three guys went on to topple one of the rocks and thus ruining 165 million years of nature.

How awesome is defacing a national park? Go Boy Scouts! :-D

Then the douche went on the news saying “Well shucks! It was dangerous just sitting on top of that thing! I just did America a favor and spared everyone from serious harm. Of course next time I will have a park ranger with me. Sheesh!” Seriously, something to that affect!

I um... I mean we um... We made a video chronicling our pursuit of dangers rocks. So we filmed ourselves toppling some horrible, horrible rocks! Seriously, they could of killed a baby!

Of course I forced somewhat of an apology from Frank. But honestly I knew he liked doing. Filthy America hater!

We did it for the children.

Then we proceeded to go on the trial. Right? Fine? No? Well.... We um, well, first we dipped out and had a smoke, THEN we went on the trail. This good looking older dude was walking his black lab down beyond us and we took some time out to pet the dogey. It was weird for the man because I would hug it with one arm, then the other, then get kisses on the right side of my face, and then the left... Seriously, that beast brought out the OCD in me! Not that that is uncommon.... Tall people put me up in arms. Why are they so scary yet so attractive to me? Perhaps it's their man hair and skinny skinny thinness. Unless he's fat AND tall? *shivers*

I'd tap that!

Well I guess it ain't that bad... Besides, I've spread my buttocks for suck men in the past. Hey yo!!! Shout out to my bud Kevin! You made big person sex fun and educational! :-)

On the way, Drew and I found some bitchin' rocks. Here are mine, but I don't have any pics of his. Well, mostly because that he just finds any old rock and collects them. Not me... I only get quality turds in my coffee!

Ha ha... Rock poo!

We also came by some cool cactus's and even a plant penis!

Ladies and gentleman I give you, the cactus clitoris!

And her fuck buddy, plant penis!

Then we just walked and talked and formed a gate via linking our arms together ala' Dorothy and her pals in the Wizard of Oz. And when a bike came by (MY GOD! MAKE THE BIKES STOP! ANYTHING BUT THE BIKES!!!) we would step aside in unison, like a gate opening. We fucked it up at first but then we got into the swing of things. The two people who we did this too were very receptive. By that I mostly mean that they spit in our general directions. Fucking bikers... I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Rent is two to fifteen rocks a week.

That horrible thing that happened to me? Oh yeah.... It was the horribleness that is “After Earth” by Will Smith and his son, Not Will Smith. There are just so many things wrong with this movie. For instance if their alien world is light on oxygen, then why does he had to take additional oxygen breathing treatments when he gets to Earth? What the fuck?

Plus if a volcano is active, it's surrounding and inner water would be acidic as all fuck out. Yet Not Will Smith was swimming in the inner water (in the middle of the volcano, like inside the middle of the volcano!) Plus this dude gets 200 kilometers in three days. Seriously? When he's not running he's taking his sweet ass time.

The one cool part of the movie is when Will Smith loses so much blood that he loses consciousness and shit. But before that Not Will Smith gets bitten by a bug of curious size and of many, many vectors and pixels and he goes all numb and blind and shit. The only way to save himself is to inject two syringes into his heart.

Whoa... Am I a little sadistic? Perhaps that's why I slap my bitches so much. You need to every now and then. And my pimping hand is strong. Full of wit an.... Look! A squirrel!!! :-D

Interview with Steffan Scrogan By: David McGhee

Interview with Steffan Scrogan

By: David McGhee

Last Friday I experienced what can only be described as Avenue Q. I was amazed by how they worked their puppets, and how they made love as puppets. I wonder if they had puppet spooge out of a puppet penis? Man... Wouldn't that be like felt or something?

Anyways... I was so awesomed by the show that I decided to stalk one of the cast members. I asked him twenty questions and he delivered on all counts.

You gotta see this guy's feet!

1: How and why did you started acting? Are you the attention grabbing type?
I made my theatrical debut when I was 5 years old. I played a cactus in a Missoula Children's Theatre production of Tales of Hans Christian Anderson. I was adorable as ever.. I'm fairly certain it was because my parents wanted to occupy me and my siblings during the summer so they could relax a bit, but my siblings stopped soon after; I kept performing. I'm an extroverted introvert; I will be quiet until you get to know me then can get a little crazy.

2: You are the second tallest person in the cast. How tall are you?
Third tallest! Eric Fry and Patrick Brownson are both taller than me, but we only all share the stage once in the show, so I won't be too harsh. I'm 5'11.5", though my license may say 6'...

3: Great... Another tall person thinking he's the shit! Boo! What kind of salad do you like to eat?

Blue cheese is usually top choice for me. I used to hate the stuff, but my tastes change it seems.

4: I'm gay. Are you gay? You seemed pretty gay to me.

I am of the homosexual persuasion. Not nearly as gay as my puppet, Rod, however. He gets pretty flaming at the end of the show when he starts to accept his queer tendencies. It's fun to get to play a gay character and find the humor in it; I'm always playing straight characters.

5: Are you seeing anyone special? Anyone who makes your stomach churn and your eyes water?

I am! I have a boyfriend that I adore. Though stomach-churning and eye-watering sounds like a reaction to a violently awful stench; if that's your response to someone, you should be concerned.

6: Everyone's a little bit racist. Are you?

I'd like to think that I see everyone as equally terrible. I'm racist towards all of humanity.

7: What made you audition for the role of Rod?

My fellow cast mates are all returning to this show; they performed it 2 years ago as the award-winning first Denver Cast. I knew that the show was being remounted (rawr!), but didn't find out until the night before auditions that the part of Rod had become available. I sent a frantic email to the producer hoping I could score an audition the next morning, because I've been dying to do this since 2005 when I saw the original Broadway show.

8: You sing well. Any formal training?

Thanks! I've been in musical theatre since I was 5, choir in high school and college. Three choirs per semester, because I'm crazy. I'm an avid car belter.

9: SHOW US YOUR FEET STEFFAN!!!

Okay, you can leave the site now.

That's right! They're tattooed. I'm fairly tattooed and pierced actually. During the day, I'm a professional piercer in Fort Collins. I've been doing it for over 7 years. I cover tattoos with makeup or clothes and take out piercings for my shows. Some folks would never recognize me outside of one environment.

10: Other than porn, what else is the internet good for?

Video Games! Lok'tar Ogar! YouTube and Netflix have become a daily routine and replacement for TV in my life. I'm also a nerd and listen to podcasts while I commute in my car. You can't disregard porn though.

11: Anna High hurt her footsie during the show I was at. Any chance she got some good pain medication for it?

As the resident first aid responder in the cast, I can tell you she was well taken care of that night, and not given any medication from me, as that would have violated first responder ethics.... but she did get relief. She checked in with the hospital later that night and confirmed it was only a sprain and got a small prescription the next day.

12: Everyone in the cast was so talented! Was it hard learning to puppet your puppet and perform at first? I noticed that the other actors would sing towards the lights instead of each other.

It was very tricky at first. When they had me audition they handed me a puppet first and told me to sing with it. It's little things, like looking the same way your puppet is, making him bounce while he "walks", and opening his mouth with your thumb and not your fingers so he doesn't flop his head back when he talks. My puppet has two hand-rods and controlling both his hands with my left hand is tricky. You noticed one of the quirks of this show, as an homage to Sesame Street style we address the audience a lot, especially during songs. We talk to each other too, but it's a fun balance.

13: What kind of kid were you? If you ever were one...

I was a quiet kid when younger. Great imagination, but not one of those kids that you want to tie down from hyperactivity. The stage is a great outlet for my energy and creativity.

14: Do you manscape or are you naturally hairy / hairless?

I've got a hairless chest. I will shave my arms for when I've got a drag performance. That's right, I'll show you some pictures of me as Anya Neyes (get it? Ba-dum-tish).

15: Would you ever considering growing a biker beard?

I would probably never get that far into the beard process. My hair and facial hair all depend upon what show I'm doing next, so they change a lot. The most bearded I've been was when I was in a production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I can send you a picture. Some people loved it, but not me. If I ever needed a bigger beard for a show, I'd just make a fake one with crepe hair and liquid latex.

Complete with beard lasers!

16: Give a shout out to your favorite frozen yogurt here! (or if you aren't that kind of guy, BBQ)

Can I just answer that with a yes please? Everything. Though I usually prefer ice cream over froyo. Just nothing coffee flavored!

17: Do you smoke or do anything cool like that?

No smoking for me. I'm asthmatic and don't want to mess up my singing voice either.

18: If you could be a puppy... What breed would you be?

Have you heard the idea that the breeds of dog a person has reflects upon them? I've always had boxers. Playful and nice dogs. Though I also enjoy pugs because they always look so concerned and I think it's hilarious. So draw your own conclusions.

PUPPY!!! :-D

19: Have you ever kicked an animal out of frustration after losing a big bet on a football game?

How dare you? I would never do either of those things. Kick an animal or watch this football you speak of.

20: You guys were all so great! What's next for Steffan? Where can we lavish you with lovesies next?

Well Avenue Q runs through the first week of November and is selling fast, so jump on it! December through the first week of February I will be performing in Young Frankenstein, then in April I will be in Spamalot. I like to keep busy. I perform as Anya Neyes quite often, just add her on Facebook to keep up with her. Finally, Ipierce up in Fort Collins.

Let me poke you already!

Thanks for the interview!