A Walk in the Park

A Walk in the Park

By: David McGhee

What's up bitches and bitchettes? I've just had the most horrible experience in a long time, but that I will talk about second. You see, I recently went on a walk with my boyfriend and roommate at a park in Arvada that segged into Denver, Arvada, and Golden, depending on which way you take at the split.

First off we were greeted by what my boyfriend called art (I personally think they are workout machines for giants).

Drop down and give me twenty dollars!

I don't know why but they just pissed me off! While Frank was stacking rocks it came to me, but let me do a little spiel for you first. You see, about a week or less ago these three Boy Scout leaders (Grandpa, Father, and son if you can believe it!) were in Utah around those awesome balanced stones over in the national parks there. Super beautiful shit, seriously.

Penis rocks rock!

The three guys went on to topple one of the rocks and thus ruining 165 million years of nature.

How awesome is defacing a national park? Go Boy Scouts! :-D

Then the douche went on the news saying “Well shucks! It was dangerous just sitting on top of that thing! I just did America a favor and spared everyone from serious harm. Of course next time I will have a park ranger with me. Sheesh!” Seriously, something to that affect!

I um... I mean we um... We made a video chronicling our pursuit of dangers rocks. So we filmed ourselves toppling some horrible, horrible rocks! Seriously, they could of killed a baby!

Of course I forced somewhat of an apology from Frank. But honestly I knew he liked doing. Filthy America hater!

We did it for the children.

Then we proceeded to go on the trial. Right? Fine? No? Well.... We um, well, first we dipped out and had a smoke, THEN we went on the trail. This good looking older dude was walking his black lab down beyond us and we took some time out to pet the dogey. It was weird for the man because I would hug it with one arm, then the other, then get kisses on the right side of my face, and then the left... Seriously, that beast brought out the OCD in me! Not that that is uncommon.... Tall people put me up in arms. Why are they so scary yet so attractive to me? Perhaps it's their man hair and skinny skinny thinness. Unless he's fat AND tall? *shivers*

I'd tap that!

Well I guess it ain't that bad... Besides, I've spread my buttocks for suck men in the past. Hey yo!!! Shout out to my bud Kevin! You made big person sex fun and educational! :-)

On the way, Drew and I found some bitchin' rocks. Here are mine, but I don't have any pics of his. Well, mostly because that he just finds any old rock and collects them. Not me... I only get quality turds in my coffee!

Ha ha... Rock poo!

We also came by some cool cactus's and even a plant penis!

Ladies and gentleman I give you, the cactus clitoris!

And her fuck buddy, plant penis!

Then we just walked and talked and formed a gate via linking our arms together ala' Dorothy and her pals in the Wizard of Oz. And when a bike came by (MY GOD! MAKE THE BIKES STOP! ANYTHING BUT THE BIKES!!!) we would step aside in unison, like a gate opening. We fucked it up at first but then we got into the swing of things. The two people who we did this too were very receptive. By that I mostly mean that they spit in our general directions. Fucking bikers... I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Rent is two to fifteen rocks a week.

That horrible thing that happened to me? Oh yeah.... It was the horribleness that is “After Earth” by Will Smith and his son, Not Will Smith. There are just so many things wrong with this movie. For instance if their alien world is light on oxygen, then why does he had to take additional oxygen breathing treatments when he gets to Earth? What the fuck?

Plus if a volcano is active, it's surrounding and inner water would be acidic as all fuck out. Yet Not Will Smith was swimming in the inner water (in the middle of the volcano, like inside the middle of the volcano!) Plus this dude gets 200 kilometers in three days. Seriously? When he's not running he's taking his sweet ass time.

The one cool part of the movie is when Will Smith loses so much blood that he loses consciousness and shit. But before that Not Will Smith gets bitten by a bug of curious size and of many, many vectors and pixels and he goes all numb and blind and shit. The only way to save himself is to inject two syringes into his heart.

Whoa... Am I a little sadistic? Perhaps that's why I slap my bitches so much. You need to every now and then. And my pimping hand is strong. Full of wit an.... Look! A squirrel!!! :-D

Sexy Time Miniature Golf

Sexy Time Miniature Golf

By: David McGhee

So we called Derby up and asked him if he'd like to play with some balls that afternoon. There was no hesitation on his part and he said he'd be there in a bit. But after a few hours of waiting (and ten levels of Mario beaten) I texted him asking what the hell was the hold up. It turned out that Derby was using hydroponics to grow his pot and now he was having a water leak. Frank laughed it off and called him a loser for not using soil.

You hear that Derby? You're a loser!

Ha ha... No, just kidding. Please don't hit me.

Frowny face.

After eating an edible chocolate bar we headed off to the course. I remember the car ride being uneventful, perhaps even stressful, for we had to not listen to my music along the way. Don't get me wrong, hippies are people too, sometimes, but their music just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you spend fifty to a hundred bucks to watch people jam around for three hours while only playing four songs? Further was okay I suppose. But maybe I would have had fun at Dave Mathews? (with central heating!) but judging from the crowd at their lot I would have been drowning in jock seminal fluid. Although that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. After all jocks do provide an erotic service to all gay men. Perhaps the women enjoy it too but we're not here to make them happy, are we fellas?

We got to the course and the reception booth was empty. I smiled and immediately started saying “heeelllloooo? We wants to play with your balls!” and like magic a young lady appeared. Frank paid because he's my sugar daddy (at least until I get food stamps again) and we picked out our balls and golf clubs.

I picked pink with blue. Ever see a more natural color for a man to choose?

First hole I basically hit my maximum and wound up smashing my golf club against the AstroTurf in a fit of lusty rage. The next hole I wound up hitting it in in two tries. This continued until about the seventh hole, when I totally lost my shit and started yelling at a rabbit.

It's not that I don't like miniature golf per se, in fact I am quite good at it and it has been said that if I actually tried I could whip Frank and Drew's pasty asses. With the edible in full effect I began making love to the ball... No actually I just started getting frustrated and guided the ball into the holes by walking besides it and gently putting it as I went along. By this time Frank and Drew could see that I wasn't taking the game seriously. But all in all I had a lot of fun.

To be honest I think that's all I am going to post today... I just don't haves it in me to rant and rave about various topics of interest. That is, unless anyone wants to teach me math?

It's National Vegetarian Day everybody!!!

Reasons to kill animals for food:

Animals to eat and why it’s important to kill them for food.

Many people who eat meat and even more who don’t have never met the animal in which they are currently digesting. There is a lot of shame in killing these poor defenseless animals because they are just so cute and they never did anything to anyone right?
Prepare to have your eyes opened…

1: Cows – Ever meet a cow? Seriously… Ever walk up to a cow and scream in its face? IT DOES NOTHING!!! I swear when I first saw one I was enthralled. I went up to it and was all nice and everything but the damn thing just stood there. I tried all sorts of things to get it to come out of its coma but nothing worked. I tried tipping it but it just moved over to the side and continued to be still.

If there was ever a useless piece of existence I ever saw it would have to be a cow.

Seriously, meet one. They’re total dicks!

2: Chickens – I honestly like chickens. I really do. They can be fun to feed and such but when it boils down to it, I don’t think it really has that much going for it in the nervous system department seeing as it’s body can last up to twenty hours without the head attached. That’s not living, that’s a zombie! And we don’t like zombies do we? We need to nip this in the butt before there’s a plague of them roaming around our cities and devouring the flesh of our children!

3: Pigs – Oh man… Where do I start? First off they are among the least active animals on the farm which in turn makes them have a higher fat content than the others.

Did you hear that? Their fat and lazy!

Not only that but did you know that a pig’s orgasm can last almost thirty minutes? Where’s the justice in that!? Fuck them! I say we all gut the son of a bitch and make pulled pork samiches!

4: Fish – A fish has a really primitive nervous system and its memory only lasts not even a second. It won’t remember anything about you cutting off its head and cooking the sweet, sweet meat inside… Besides, some fish have it coming. I’m looking at you, you stupid eels!!!

5: Cats and Dogs - Who the fuck eats cats and dogs!? Oh yeah, sorry Asia! Did you know that Beijing prohibited restaurants from serving these delicacies to foreigners for PR purposes? Could you imagine giving Micheal Phelps a cat to eat?

No sir... He's a big strong red meat kind of brute. With big tall loveliness... Feet and abs...

6: Micheal Phelps - Fuck yeah I'd swallow anything that man gives me!

I hope I've enlightened some of you. For those that still aren't convinced please do yourself a favor and go to your little studio apartment and sulk over a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up. It comes in two different flavors now, self righteous and ignorant.

I'll leave you with this little tidbit. Did you know that there are more chickens in the world than there are humans!? It's true! And the more there are the harsher it is on our resources. So when you think about it, eating chickens is really going green! You'll be helping to curb the population and you get to chicken nuggets!

It's win / win!

So go ahead and get your shotgun. That motherfucking dumbass cock sucking cow ain't gonna kill itself! (They're too stupid to commit suicide)

*Disclaimer*

I am in no way endorsing cruelty on animals (unless it's a stupid bulldog that eats cell phones and books, in which case I'm all about putting a cyanide pill into it's doggy bowl). You can raise them to be happy and healthy without all the harmful stuff. That way when you kill you know it lived to it's fullest! Walking around aimlessly for hours on end before dosing off. Every day... Every year... For their whole lives... Yup. Sounds like animals who have abstract thought.

People think that if they feel a certain way then an animal must too. I highly doubt a cat is capable of love in the way that we are. I really think it's just attached to you as a fellow animal that it's used to. They take advantage of the fact that we think they are cute and use it to get what they need. Animals (and people) are really selfish and they need to be. Survival of the fittest.