A Walk in the Park

A Walk in the Park

By: David McGhee

What's up bitches and bitchettes? I've just had the most horrible experience in a long time, but that I will talk about second. You see, I recently went on a walk with my boyfriend and roommate at a park in Arvada that segged into Denver, Arvada, and Golden, depending on which way you take at the split.

First off we were greeted by what my boyfriend called art (I personally think they are workout machines for giants).

Drop down and give me twenty dollars!

I don't know why but they just pissed me off! While Frank was stacking rocks it came to me, but let me do a little spiel for you first. You see, about a week or less ago these three Boy Scout leaders (Grandpa, Father, and son if you can believe it!) were in Utah around those awesome balanced stones over in the national parks there. Super beautiful shit, seriously.

Penis rocks rock!

The three guys went on to topple one of the rocks and thus ruining 165 million years of nature.

How awesome is defacing a national park? Go Boy Scouts! :-D

Then the douche went on the news saying “Well shucks! It was dangerous just sitting on top of that thing! I just did America a favor and spared everyone from serious harm. Of course next time I will have a park ranger with me. Sheesh!” Seriously, something to that affect!

I um... I mean we um... We made a video chronicling our pursuit of dangers rocks. So we filmed ourselves toppling some horrible, horrible rocks! Seriously, they could of killed a baby!

Of course I forced somewhat of an apology from Frank. But honestly I knew he liked doing. Filthy America hater!

We did it for the children.

Then we proceeded to go on the trial. Right? Fine? No? Well.... We um, well, first we dipped out and had a smoke, THEN we went on the trail. This good looking older dude was walking his black lab down beyond us and we took some time out to pet the dogey. It was weird for the man because I would hug it with one arm, then the other, then get kisses on the right side of my face, and then the left... Seriously, that beast brought out the OCD in me! Not that that is uncommon.... Tall people put me up in arms. Why are they so scary yet so attractive to me? Perhaps it's their man hair and skinny skinny thinness. Unless he's fat AND tall? *shivers*

I'd tap that!

Well I guess it ain't that bad... Besides, I've spread my buttocks for suck men in the past. Hey yo!!! Shout out to my bud Kevin! You made big person sex fun and educational! :-)

On the way, Drew and I found some bitchin' rocks. Here are mine, but I don't have any pics of his. Well, mostly because that he just finds any old rock and collects them. Not me... I only get quality turds in my coffee!

Ha ha... Rock poo!

We also came by some cool cactus's and even a plant penis!

Ladies and gentleman I give you, the cactus clitoris!

And her fuck buddy, plant penis!

Then we just walked and talked and formed a gate via linking our arms together ala' Dorothy and her pals in the Wizard of Oz. And when a bike came by (MY GOD! MAKE THE BIKES STOP! ANYTHING BUT THE BIKES!!!) we would step aside in unison, like a gate opening. We fucked it up at first but then we got into the swing of things. The two people who we did this too were very receptive. By that I mostly mean that they spit in our general directions. Fucking bikers... I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Rent is two to fifteen rocks a week.

That horrible thing that happened to me? Oh yeah.... It was the horribleness that is “After Earth” by Will Smith and his son, Not Will Smith. There are just so many things wrong with this movie. For instance if their alien world is light on oxygen, then why does he had to take additional oxygen breathing treatments when he gets to Earth? What the fuck?

Plus if a volcano is active, it's surrounding and inner water would be acidic as all fuck out. Yet Not Will Smith was swimming in the inner water (in the middle of the volcano, like inside the middle of the volcano!) Plus this dude gets 200 kilometers in three days. Seriously? When he's not running he's taking his sweet ass time.

The one cool part of the movie is when Will Smith loses so much blood that he loses consciousness and shit. But before that Not Will Smith gets bitten by a bug of curious size and of many, many vectors and pixels and he goes all numb and blind and shit. The only way to save himself is to inject two syringes into his heart.

Whoa... Am I a little sadistic? Perhaps that's why I slap my bitches so much. You need to every now and then. And my pimping hand is strong. Full of wit an.... Look! A squirrel!!! :-D

Getting my Rocks Off at the Natural History and Science Museum

Getting my Rocks Off at the Natural History and Science Museum

By: David McGhee

As per usual, I woke up and brushed my teeth. Frank has got me doing that a lot more and I hate to say but it's brought up some positive self esteem in me, methinks. Obligatory X-Rated morning stuff ensued until we were both in bed in each other's arms telling each other “I love you” and “No, I love you more!” until it escalated into a whole on fist fight between Frank and I. Punches were thrown and Jell-O was eaten and generally a good time was had by all.

I have the bestest best friend in the whole world! Her name is Erin and she's a super cool awesome girly girl rock metal awesome poo stain free female! :-D

I know I'm not supposed to use emotocons in blog posts... At least I think so? Who in the fuck wrote these rules anyways!?

Anyways, here's a pic of my beloved friendly friend Erin!

We met at the methadone clinic back in 2009 I believe? Maybe. I'll have to ask her. But it was a frosty March morning or something and I had just taken my Suboxone, because I had to take it in front of a nurse, stupid probation, and I heard this wonderful southern drawl being produced by this pint sized flesh rocket. I smiled and, me being me, I introduced myself. She said later that she was certain I was going to do something bad to her. But that feeling passed when she found out that I'm just that nice to everyone. I suppose sometimes I can come off as a little much. Well... Actually a lot. I know a number of people who have been pissed off at me because of the things I've said. And the worst part is that I didn't mean any harm.

It seems like every post I make on Facebook gets bashed and shit. I'm switching over to Twitter. What's that you say? You want to follow me? Sure! Awesome!

Smiley face.

Here's my Twitter linky mabobber! - https://twitter.com/trueposer

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about slutty tall people. I learned in college psychology that height correlates with temper. So the taller you are the more likely you'll be aggressive. And if you are I say good for you. Be a total tall skinny man whore. Just avoid all those damn dick diseases. You are beautiful. Now I just have one thing to ask you... Could I cut you off at the knees so we can be the same height? I would cut off my legs, but that would just make me shorter than I already am.

Dammit! I want to be skinny again. Skinny like this:

I remember I used to call myself fat and I could fit into a fucking child's large t-shirt! It was all that fucking flap of loose skin on my lower belly. Fucking skin. I hope it rots off and leaves a perfectly washboarded version of myself. That would be cool. Too bad you can't take any pills to get thinner. Well you can... But we call those amphetamines my dear. Bad stuff.

I tried an Aderall one time. Fucking thing gave me the best night's sleep I've ever had! I know, I know, uppers are supposed to make you go up and downers are supposed to make you go down. But in my world, that is “Davidland,” there are no such things as common side effects. Like when I shoot up heroin, I get a burst of energy and all I want to do is run and bake cookies. But with a nice shot of cocaine I become somber and the world is right, if a little frightening. I definitely don't miss the paranoia of crack.

I remember being with my former roommate, Gary, and he got me into smoking crack. I've long since stopped but damn was that a good drug! Actually not good in a good way but in a functional junkie way it was awesome! Although I never could be a functional addict. I always wound up imprisoned or in the emergency for an over dose. Ever had Narcan shot into you while you're on the nod? Fucking hell! It's like a really fat guy is sitting on your chest and your blood has been replaced with ice water! Fucking A man. But I suppose it has saved my life more times than not...

I believe that those who have loved ones and those who are currently using should all have access to Narcan. I mean, what if you overdose and the ambulance is taking too long? Or such things. I believe that people should be trained in how to administer it too. They do this shit in Canada. Stupid Republicans making drug addicts out to be horrible people. Okay, we sort of are, but give me a break will ya. I did a lot of cocaine.

Anyways, we picked up Erin and made our way to the museum of nature and science. Along the way we picked up some delicious McDonald's Frappe's and sweet tea. I loves me some sweet tea! When I moved in with Frank and Drew they always had (and still have!) a shit ton of sweet tea. I swear I haven't had that since I was in Georgia. Yeah. People in Colorado don't put sugar in their tea. I mean... What the fuck!?

WTF

Smiley face.

When we got to the museum I took out my trusty camera phone and took these wonderful pictures of precious stones! Did you know that I'm a collector? No? Really? I'm sure I've mentioned it a bazillion times before? Whatever man. No YOU'RE a doodie head!!!

And here's a Mars rover for no discernible reason.

Actually I suppose it is relevant... They just found actual honest to God water up there! But with the government shutdown no one will know for a long time whether or not it contains any microbacterial life. A dude can dream can't he? Imagine aliens... The thing is that if there is life on Mars then it's either super safe because it's DNA isn't like ours in anyway, or it is super dangerous and will kill the entire Earth on contact.

Either way I'm getting a hot dog tonight. Meh.

Beotch. Here's some pictures of beautiful rocks!

Enjoy and have a happy fourth of July. :-D

I mean, smiley face.

A picture perfect day at the museum. I swear I'm addicted to rock now!

And now I leave you with my new rock!