I smoked crack!

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that crack will drain your bank account. Seriously, it will fucking grow little crack rock legs, hold you up for your wallet, and go and commit fucking identity theft on your ass! One has to wonder just what could crack do with four thousand dollars? Probably cash it out in pennies and go to the strip club and make it “hail.”

I always thought of it as something I would never try. Sure I've mainlined and smoked all the major drugs, but this one had always eluded me until about the last six months into my seven year long battle with substances both great and small (Ever see a kilo of ANYTHING in your life?). I'd always equate it to that of a heavy meth user. Rotten teeth and mouth, eyes that bug out, hollow cheeks.

Hmm... I've just described every addiction basically.

I have no resentment towards myself for the past I had. It was like the poor man's version of backpacking through Europe. But crack was just sooooooooooooooo easy to get living down on Colfax!

I just found a new roommate and he sort of joked about using crack at first. Then when he pulled the glass rose out I was all like... Sure. Why not? And I fucking smoked crack.

The thing was, I couldn't stop! It was like a the opposite of heroin and I apparently had an inhuman tolerance to the drug because my little hotel room became a little crack den.
To be perfectly honest. Crack is awesome. But it becomes you the way all hard drugs eventually do. You wake up and say “I want some crack!” You obsess out it. You can't enjoy anything else but crack. You can't do anything but eat, sleep, and think crack. It sucks and I realized this early on.

I just wanted to keep doing crack.

Why should I have cared? I had nobody but a friend struggling with her own demons and a mooch roommate sharing a queen sized bed with me in that little shanty. So I didn't really care about what happened to me. I'd fucked up my life thus far. Why bother changing now?

Until I met Frank of course. He won't let me do crack now. In a way I appreciate that very much. I love my life with him. He is one awesome dude. :-)

Why Penises are Awesome!

It's awesome having a penis. Am I right fellas? Penises are just great. I like many varieties of penises. Small, medium, and large. Although larger ones are harder to get in your poop hole... People always want a big penis but I say that I think all penises are awesome.

Have a micro penis? Awesome! Hung like Mr Ed? Erm... Good for you!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Both uninspired and bored. Things have gotten better. I've been seeing more penises lately. It's been a good few months.

My new band just made a new album. We are The Vanilla Milkshakes and our new album is called “How to Ruin Friendships and Influence Douche Bags.” You can hear it here:

http://thevanillamilkshakes.bandcamp.com and then buy it on iTunes! It's that awesome! Or buy it from Bandcamp. Either way it's cool.

My favorite song on the album is “Dance! Robot! Dance!” but everyone else likes “Kreep” and “At Odds With God.” Also “Brand New Sound” is also a goodie!

Other than that, I've been thinking about penises lately. Many of them. All side by side and shaking each others hand. I'd go to a nude beach but there'd just be a bunch of unattractive people there. Why don't nudists work out?

Oh yeah. I've started to work out. Going to be all sexy and skinny for the sex and skinny that will come about this summer. Fifty push ups and sit ups a day to start off. Plus some jogging. I feel tight everywhere. I just want to look good naked. Maybe go to a nude beach and show them old folks how it's done.

Interview with Brandon Richard Whalen (of My Body Sings Electric)

Interview with Brandon Richard Whalen (of My Body Sings Electric)

By: David McGhee

My Body Sings Electric is sort of a band with hardcore guitars and indie vocals. The kids seem to like it so I have decided to exploit his fame and interview him for my own interests. That being said, this guy is pretty hot. Maris The Great was right, all the cute boys go to hardcore shows.

Wiser words have never been said. Because at hardcore show you got all the tall skinny sexy men taking off their shirt. I'd like to think they're doing it for me, but something tells me that skinny people just like showing off their sexy mcsex bodies.

I know if I wasn't short and chubby I'd be manwhoring it up!

Now for teh interview! :-D

1: Does your body really sing electric? I mean... Wouldn't that hurt?

It probably would hurt. The name was inspired by a poem by Walt Whitman called I Sing The Body Electric. It's sort of a nod to the way music can affect your mind and your body. It's also a little look at some personal philosophies of mine and maybe some of the other guys.

"Was it doubted that those who corrupt their own bodies conceal themselves; 5 And if those who defile the living are as bad as they who defile the dead? And if the body does not do as much as the Soul? And if the body were not the Soul, what is the Soul?"

2: How tall are you and what does that have to do with your current local fame?

I'm very average height. 5'10'' ish. Right in the meaty part of the curve. I have no idea how it impacts my "local fame."

3: Remember Monroe Monroe? Such a good band.

Hell yeah! Our bassist Jason did some bassing for them. They are great guys and made really killer music.

4: What kind of geetar do you use?

I mostly play my Takamine fp360sc. It's a 90's japanese only model that is kind of rare here in the states. I swing between loving and hating it.

I also have a 1976 Les Paul that was passed down to me by my father and I will murder anyone who even looks at it.

5: Have you ever had any formal training in geetaring or singing?

I took one semester of vocal lessons in college. Other than that I am completely self taught, of course with some help from my bandmates who are incredible and well trained musically.

6: As I have warned you, show us your bare feet!

You don't want to see what's going on down there. I wear sandals a lot (not ashamed) so catch me in the summer.

Approximation of Brandon's feet 

7: Do you guys get like a buttload of tail? Like in dirty groupies that would do anything to you or would let them do things to you?

I'm actually married, so my tail-getting days are over. Who knows if there are those groupies out there, I usually identify people's intentions right off the bat and slip out of any potentially awkward situations.

8: I hope you are using condoms. Are you using condoms?

No need. See question above.

*David's note: He must want to get some babies! HE MAKE BABIES!

9: What do you do for a day job?

I am a social media marketing strategist and head of marketing for Room 214 in Boulder, CO. Big boy job.

10: Are you going to release a new album? What will it be like? Any chance of it having some boobies on the cover?

We are releasing an album on Jan 28th called Part 1: The Night Ends. It will be a fun little journey, more indie, not so much pop punk (I still don't understand that description of us). There's a little side boob on the cover which is rad.

11: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck couldn't do it's taxes?

Are you asking for the wood chuck, or the government?

12: Are you seeing anyone right now? Or have you ever met someone that made you want to throw up because he / she was just so fine?

I am seeing my wife... until one of us dies or eternity or whatever. I have met someone who made me want to throw up because she is so beautiful so I wifed that gurl up.

13:What would you say that seeing you in person caused me a bit of Stendhal syndrome? That's like when you see something so beautiful that you are paralyzed.

I would be quite flattered... and also suspicious that you may be exaggerating. Regardless, thanks I put a lot of work into growing this beard.

14: If I would to ever save your life from a catastrophic explosion, how many tacos would you get for me?

That's probably worth a six pack and pound from Taco John's. It's quite a bit of food. Shoutout to my Wyoming people.

15: Let's get serious here for a moment, when did you lose your virginity? The world MUST know!

Oh gosh.... haha. I was 18 I think. I remember thinking... "that wasn't much of a big deal now was it?"

16: If you could piss off PETA, what kind of animal would you gleefully slaughter for the privilege?

IF I were in fact going to achieve this hypothetical goal to the fullest extent I would have to go with something incredibly cute, so sloth or red panda. Not that I would support anything like that.

17: Do you like to read? Because that would make you sooooooooooooooo hot! (Aside from the amazing body you already have.)

I do like to read! I'm just finishing up Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan. It's been a great reminder to always be skeptical of people who claim to know "the truth." PS. Thanks... been working on my bod a lot this year.

18: How did you guys meet up? Much like many Marvel Superheroes, everyone has an origin story.

My old band Arms Over Colorado played with Nick and Jeff's old band Nemonic. Then we realized we were best friends and the rest is history.

19: Any brand of soda you'd like to give a shout out too?

AYYY MELO YELLO THANKS FOR ALL THE FREE SWAG, DELICIOUS DRINKS AND SPARE MUSIC GEAR AT SXSW THAT ONE TIME IT MADE MY TRIP ALL REFRESHING AND SHIT!

20: In less than three words, describe your sleeping habits.

Up

All

Night

Interview with Elin Palmer

Interview with Elin Palmer

By: David McGhee

At first I knew her only by her Starbucks name, Elin Palmer. Little did I know that she was Elin Palmer! The violinist and vocalist super star of the Denver / Boulder area! I remember just turning twenty one and she invited me to see her play with Munly and the Lee Lewis Harlots at Benders Tavern down in downtown Denver. I remember knowing her for her sweet disposition and her almost naïve way of responding to people. It made her an awfully likeable person. She introduced me to Jay Munly and so now I have a friend with him. I remember him driving me home from the Larimer Lounge. :-)

Anyways, she blew me away with her black corset and stockings she wore for her stage show. It was really cool because the whole band got really into their characters. She was also dating their drummer, who is also cool. I once asked him to play drums for me but he said he had carpel tunnel. So I suppose that dream is dead.

Elin agreed to do this twenty question interview. It's her funeral!

This woman gave me coffee drinks!

1: Elin, Darling, how have you been since I last saw you? Have you eaten any cake since then?

I'm so swell thanks for asking. I have eaten cake since then, hence the swellness.

2: Show us your “O” face!

OH GOD! OH SWEET JESUS! OH GOD!!!

3: Do you have any recipes for good ethnic food?

Do you consider Italian ethic?

4: You're like, totally hot. Do you think you could make me straight? I'm like... Really, really gay.

Straight scared? Like fukishima salmonella sushi scared straight? There's probably an algorithm to help decide.

5: If you could be any kind of big ole' bear, who would you be? *My guess would be Nick Frost*

Polar Bear, definitely.

6: Thank you for feeding and me when I was no longer working for you. What is it with you and helping out hungry poor people? That's very un-Republican of you.

I'm a starving artist. Those born tired will know what I mean.

7: Would you ever buy me a sushi dinner if I paid for it?

See #4

8: What kind of violin do you play?

Fiddle

9: When did you start playing the violin?

post-utero, pre-formative years

10: Could I see your violin? I promise not to masturbate to it. In fact that would be very, very sick. Wouldn't you agree?

Yes, there's even photos in wide circulation of me posing with it.

11: Now if you don't mind... Show us your feet!

You need your nails did.

12: Which color Hungry Hungry Hippo would you be?

Orange is the hungriest color, duh.

13: Now that was racist... What do you think about a hippo ethnic cleansing?

I think that's basically what's going on in the Congo. For example, there are as few as 2500 pygmy elephants left. That's

14: Is eating rhinos bad? Like what if you were in a supermarket with a hundred dollars to spend on groceries and you were hungry, would you eat a

rhino then?

See #13.

15: Are you seeing anyone right now? Are you still with the same big old lovable hunk of a drummer? Seriously, I'd face fuck him.

I've received many gentlemen callers, but none keep the time as well as my baby's daddy.

16: When did you start singing? Were you taught how to sing or is it just natural?

In the shower. It came pretty naturally I suppose: one second I was shampooing, the next I was singing.

17: Seriously, you are an awesome person! How much upkeep does it take to be so awesome?

Your pretty awesome yourself. Upkeep can be hard. You're only as cool as the blogs you read

18: Do you believe the people who be surrounding me?

Totally.

19: Where can we find your wonderful music? Bandcamp? Itunes? I WANNA KNOW DAMMIT!!!

Itunes, yup. Come to my shows, buy a hardcopy, 'na mean?

20: If you had one last thing to say before diving into a huge T-bone steak, what would it be?

I hope it's organic?

Interview with Little Fyodor (Of the Little Fyodor and Babushka variety)

Interview with Little Fyodor (Of the Little Fyodor and Babushka variety)

By: David McGhee

I remember the first time I saw Little Fyodor I thought to myself 'What the hell!?' And when I was over that shock I immediately thought 'Is he human?' And finally I came to 'Holy fuck! This is so punk rock!'

I remember him and Babushka taking me in when I was too scared to face my father at home. They gave me soup for Christ's sake! I mean, what the fuck!?

So to get me some pay back for all the things I didn't do for them, I am making him answer my questions. Twenty questions to be exact.

And if he doesn't deliver then I'll probably just download his music for free. After all, I deserve that much out of this relationship.

I'd face fuck that!

1: Is your name really Fyodor? That's so Jewish! In my reality, it really is. Though in reality, Russians hate Jews (especially Dostoevsky)!

2: Did you know that every time you jack off you're killing six million Jews? That makes you worst than Hitler! Sins of the flesh. Hitler couldn't resist, and neither can I!!

3: When did you start playing the geetar? When I was twelve. That was so long ago I only remember false memories of it.

4: What brand of geetar do you use? What color and type and model and manufacture. And if you could give me the serial code, that would be greeeeeaaaat. I play two geetars. The one my Mommy bought me when I was twelve is a Kalamazoo, what Creedence Clearwater Revival sang about the poorboys twanging the rhythm out on. Then in a similar act of charity, my Walls Of Genius bud Ed sold me his 1974 Stratocaster for cheap. Cool shit.

5: Do you really believe that you deserve love? Not inherently. But I've sold my soul for it, that's why I deserve it, dammit!!

6: When you drink beer, what kind of ice cream would you eat afterwords? I've seen ice cream made from beer. Good shit!

7: It's twenty, twenty, twenty four hours to go. Do you wanna be sedated? I'm either under or over. Oh to be the Buddha!!

8: How did you learn to sing... Like THAT!? You don't learn insanity like this, buddy boy. It's just doing what comes naturally.

9: Do the world a favor AND SHOW US YOUR MANLY FEET!!!

They just ooze manly! (among other substances)

10: If two wood chucks chucked wood and the other two just polished their nails, then how does that equal 42? WHY IS IT ALWAYS 42!? Why not?

11: Do you like to read? If so what are your favorite books? I'm reading a book about law and disorder in the Wild West right now. Mostly I read bios of rock stars. Good shit.

12: If you would ever write a book, what would it be about? I used to want to write novels about societal neurosis. But it was easier to write songs.

13: How many slugs have you killed whilst doing the Dance Of The Salted Slug? I may have killed one friendship. It was heading that way anyhows.

14: I know I'm going to regret this but... would you consider taking me to the prom? You think I would take someone who asked to be? That's not how it works, buddy boy!

15: What is your favorite album you made? Beneath The Uber-Putz has the best songs, but Idiots Are Closer to God is more fun.

16: What's your favorite local bands? I mean... Other than Goodbye Timebomb, The Milkshakes, and Ginkins. The Inactivists, The Taints, Suzi Homewreker, Mr. Pacman, The Buckingham Squares.... I'm sure I missed a million.

17: I can't think of anything. Would you do a jig for me? As in, the jig's up, buddy boy?

18: Sweet tea or unsweetened tea? You answer may just result in the matrix collapsing. Slightly sweetened. Now I feel it closing in!

19: Why am I so attracted to you? I dunno. Maybe you're nuttier than Mr. Hanky after a trail mix fest?

20: If you were to ever go bungee jumping, what kind of meat would you eat in access quantities before jumping? Something that came from a pig.

You can find all things Fyodor right hea! :-D

Interview with Steffan Scrogan By: David McGhee

Interview with Steffan Scrogan

By: David McGhee

Last Friday I experienced what can only be described as Avenue Q. I was amazed by how they worked their puppets, and how they made love as puppets. I wonder if they had puppet spooge out of a puppet penis? Man... Wouldn't that be like felt or something?

Anyways... I was so awesomed by the show that I decided to stalk one of the cast members. I asked him twenty questions and he delivered on all counts.

You gotta see this guy's feet!

1: How and why did you started acting? Are you the attention grabbing type?
I made my theatrical debut when I was 5 years old. I played a cactus in a Missoula Children's Theatre production of Tales of Hans Christian Anderson. I was adorable as ever.. I'm fairly certain it was because my parents wanted to occupy me and my siblings during the summer so they could relax a bit, but my siblings stopped soon after; I kept performing. I'm an extroverted introvert; I will be quiet until you get to know me then can get a little crazy.

2: You are the second tallest person in the cast. How tall are you?
Third tallest! Eric Fry and Patrick Brownson are both taller than me, but we only all share the stage once in the show, so I won't be too harsh. I'm 5'11.5", though my license may say 6'...

3: Great... Another tall person thinking he's the shit! Boo! What kind of salad do you like to eat?

Blue cheese is usually top choice for me. I used to hate the stuff, but my tastes change it seems.

4: I'm gay. Are you gay? You seemed pretty gay to me.

I am of the homosexual persuasion. Not nearly as gay as my puppet, Rod, however. He gets pretty flaming at the end of the show when he starts to accept his queer tendencies. It's fun to get to play a gay character and find the humor in it; I'm always playing straight characters.

5: Are you seeing anyone special? Anyone who makes your stomach churn and your eyes water?

I am! I have a boyfriend that I adore. Though stomach-churning and eye-watering sounds like a reaction to a violently awful stench; if that's your response to someone, you should be concerned.

6: Everyone's a little bit racist. Are you?

I'd like to think that I see everyone as equally terrible. I'm racist towards all of humanity.

7: What made you audition for the role of Rod?

My fellow cast mates are all returning to this show; they performed it 2 years ago as the award-winning first Denver Cast. I knew that the show was being remounted (rawr!), but didn't find out until the night before auditions that the part of Rod had become available. I sent a frantic email to the producer hoping I could score an audition the next morning, because I've been dying to do this since 2005 when I saw the original Broadway show.

8: You sing well. Any formal training?

Thanks! I've been in musical theatre since I was 5, choir in high school and college. Three choirs per semester, because I'm crazy. I'm an avid car belter.

9: SHOW US YOUR FEET STEFFAN!!!

Okay, you can leave the site now.

That's right! They're tattooed. I'm fairly tattooed and pierced actually. During the day, I'm a professional piercer in Fort Collins. I've been doing it for over 7 years. I cover tattoos with makeup or clothes and take out piercings for my shows. Some folks would never recognize me outside of one environment.

10: Other than porn, what else is the internet good for?

Video Games! Lok'tar Ogar! YouTube and Netflix have become a daily routine and replacement for TV in my life. I'm also a nerd and listen to podcasts while I commute in my car. You can't disregard porn though.

11: Anna High hurt her footsie during the show I was at. Any chance she got some good pain medication for it?

As the resident first aid responder in the cast, I can tell you she was well taken care of that night, and not given any medication from me, as that would have violated first responder ethics.... but she did get relief. She checked in with the hospital later that night and confirmed it was only a sprain and got a small prescription the next day.

12: Everyone in the cast was so talented! Was it hard learning to puppet your puppet and perform at first? I noticed that the other actors would sing towards the lights instead of each other.

It was very tricky at first. When they had me audition they handed me a puppet first and told me to sing with it. It's little things, like looking the same way your puppet is, making him bounce while he "walks", and opening his mouth with your thumb and not your fingers so he doesn't flop his head back when he talks. My puppet has two hand-rods and controlling both his hands with my left hand is tricky. You noticed one of the quirks of this show, as an homage to Sesame Street style we address the audience a lot, especially during songs. We talk to each other too, but it's a fun balance.

13: What kind of kid were you? If you ever were one...

I was a quiet kid when younger. Great imagination, but not one of those kids that you want to tie down from hyperactivity. The stage is a great outlet for my energy and creativity.

14: Do you manscape or are you naturally hairy / hairless?

I've got a hairless chest. I will shave my arms for when I've got a drag performance. That's right, I'll show you some pictures of me as Anya Neyes (get it? Ba-dum-tish).

15: Would you ever considering growing a biker beard?

I would probably never get that far into the beard process. My hair and facial hair all depend upon what show I'm doing next, so they change a lot. The most bearded I've been was when I was in a production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I can send you a picture. Some people loved it, but not me. If I ever needed a bigger beard for a show, I'd just make a fake one with crepe hair and liquid latex.

Complete with beard lasers!

16: Give a shout out to your favorite frozen yogurt here! (or if you aren't that kind of guy, BBQ)

Can I just answer that with a yes please? Everything. Though I usually prefer ice cream over froyo. Just nothing coffee flavored!

17: Do you smoke or do anything cool like that?

No smoking for me. I'm asthmatic and don't want to mess up my singing voice either.

18: If you could be a puppy... What breed would you be?

Have you heard the idea that the breeds of dog a person has reflects upon them? I've always had boxers. Playful and nice dogs. Though I also enjoy pugs because they always look so concerned and I think it's hilarious. So draw your own conclusions.

PUPPY!!! :-D

19: Have you ever kicked an animal out of frustration after losing a big bet on a football game?

How dare you? I would never do either of those things. Kick an animal or watch this football you speak of.

20: You guys were all so great! What's next for Steffan? Where can we lavish you with lovesies next?

Well Avenue Q runs through the first week of November and is selling fast, so jump on it! December through the first week of February I will be performing in Young Frankenstein, then in April I will be in Spamalot. I like to keep busy. I perform as Anya Neyes quite often, just add her on Facebook to keep up with her. Finally, Ipierce up in Fort Collins.

Let me poke you already!

Thanks for the interview!

Interview with Two Tone Wolf Pack (The singer at least.)

When I saw Two Tone Wolf Pack play the other week at the Hi Dive (Denver) I knew immediately that they were hot. Not just hot, but they could sing well too! What with the singer's low manly grumble to the bass player's "fuck me" falsetto. And don't get me started on their accordion player! HOLY HELL!

When I'm not dreaming of being gang banged by these guys, I also find the time to appreciate their dark and haunting atmosphere of their amazing music.

And here's a pretty picture of the awesome dudes *via my friend Lisa Cooke's Truly Rejected magazine*

And now for the inappropriate (and sometimes racist) questions!

Enjoy! :-D

1: Well... So here we are... Any last requests before I swing you from a dead tree?

Look! Over there! It's a diversion!....

2: I just saved you. What kind of pants would you buy me for saving your life?

Easy. Filson Double Tin Cloth Pants... Wind,Water,&Fire Resistant, and Guaranteed for life as long as you don't put them in the washing machine.

3: Let's talk about your bass player. Does he get a lot of groupies? I'm sure you all do, but what about him?

To help keep his anonymity, we'll call him Danathan Evanderfield Garzan. He's more or less knee deep in groupies, and can't hardly do anything but beat them off with a stick.

4: Let's just get this out of the way... Show me your feet!

He misread my request. No one should have to look at shoes covering wonderfully wonderful bare feet! GRRR!!!

5: By the way, who are you and what do you do in the band? For anonymity's sake I'll go by Johnald, and I play Vocals and Sing Guitar.

6: Why Americana / Folk instead of hardcore metal or pop punk or hardcore pop punk? Americana/Folk is the people's music, and has been for way longer than any of those others..... also it's cheaper gear.

7: If I'm talking to the right person, show me your beard!

Ladies, he has manliness to spare! Seriously, this doesn't make you wet?

8: How did you guys meet up and make such wonderful music?

it's called dating. you mean when&how did we start going steady? Mainly online dating websites is how we met.

9: What brand of guitar do you have? (or bass, drums, accordion, whomever may be answering this)

I try and play my '51 Stella Harmony when ever I can.

10: What is your take on Obamacare? Shouldn't we all be denied healthcare just because it makes Republicans upset? Or if you are a Republican then, why?

Well if we're gonna be taxes to a Government, and a government is supposed to ensure our well being why wouldn't that include being allocated heavily towards health? I'd rather spend that money on health than on some vauge terms like "the fight against terrorism" or "the war on drugs."

11: What sort of influences influenced you guys? I mean musically, not your sexy pants.

I would point you towards reading the Introduction to Alan Lomax's Prison Songs Volume 1 "Murderous Home" Also a lot of Pop Music.

12: While we're on the subject, what kind of pants do you prefer?

I prefer pants that fit well. You know 30"x34" is Slim Fit.

13: If you could only save two people in the world and transport them to safety on a NASA rocket thingy, what kind of ice cream would you eat?

Little Man's Salted Oreo Ice Cream. Easiest question yet.

14: I'm sitting here drinking a diet soda. Entertain me!

Look! Over there! It's that Diversion again!

15: What is your name? And why should I capitalize it? Are you really that primpy and such that you can't stand to have your name un-capitalized?

You're not my real Dad!

16: If you could eat any fish, which one would most likely get blood thrown on you from PETA

Orca's? I think that's a mammal? Baby Dolphin? no, that's a mammal too... This one's too hard. Can we skip?.... Nope, I've got it! Fish sticks! But more because of the industries they're made by that what kind of fish it is.

17: What is your take on cows? Should we eat them? They are pretty stupid creatures. One time I punched a cow and it just sort of looked at me. I mean... What the fuck man!?

Hey man Cows and Dads are Cops too ya know.

18: Do you guys have a website or something you'd like me to post?

www.twotonewolfpack.com (of course!)

Plus you can get their facebook stuff here!

And listen to their darkly sweet take on... You know what? They are sort of a punk Munly.

Anyways: Here's their music!

19: When you sweat on stage, are you thinking of mass genocide?

not regularly.

20: Why the name “Two Tone Wolf Pack?” I mean, does it have significant attachment or did it just sort of came about as a way to book shows? Personally I think you guys should be called “Those sexy guys in that band that does the music and such!”

Two Tone Wolf Pack was originally a gang name. A gang for kids who only want to wear Wolf T-shirts. I think we just admired that audacity.

Also, Thanks. You're pretty cute yourself.

And now for a picture of a pug being all pug and shit. :-D

Interview with Bo Burbank (Bodies We've Buried)

Interview with Bo Burbank (Bodies We've Buried)

By: David McGhee

Bodies We've Buried are a heavy metal band from Colorado USA. I found them through the recommendation of a one Maris The Great.

Plus here's a picture of this sexy, sexy man!

Truly a face only millions can love. Anyhoos, I listened to them on Reverb and immediately thought about how heavy metal has become very throaty recently. I sure hope their singer doesn't get chronic laryngitis. Because that would suck. Seriously, he sounds like he is about to cough out his lungs. But I suppose that is the sound that the kids are into.

You can hear them here: http://www.reverbnation.com/bodiesweveburied

And today we sat down with Bo Burbank of said band and asked him twenty questions about life, love, and the pursuit of man whoring.

David: What do you do in the band? I'm pretty sure I heard you were a drummer?

Bo: I am primarily the drummer, yes, but occasionally I do some vocals too! I like to think i'm also the 'Looks' of the band as well.

David: Do drummers keep good rhythm in bed? Like with a chick and shit?

Bo: I would say so, unless of course you are into crazy time changes and patterns. in that case, I feel really sorry for the girl.

David: You fucking man whore... What breed of kitten would you consider to be the cuddliest?

Bo: I hate cats. there's been like maybe 3 cats/kittens in this world i've met that I consider ok in my book. other then that... Dogs are the way to go.

David: If you were a dog, what breed would you be?

Bo: Black Lab! I have a black lab so i'm probably biased but seriously, Labs are the greatest.

David: How tall are you? How fat are you? And what shoe size do you wear?

Bo: I think like 6'2" and 197 lbs. sooo pretty tall AND fat! I wear a size 13 shoe.

David: SHOW US YOUR FUCKING FEET BO!!!

David: Did you know that if your last name was Burnham, then you'd be Bo Burnham? You know, that funny tall kid that apparently cums in everyone.

Bo: Yeah.. It sucks when you are out there trying to make a name for yourself and then come to find out that if your name had been different by 4 or 5 letters, then you would have gotten your big break! Whatever that means though... I don't think he is very funny.

David: How long have you been playing the Drums?

Bo: Since I was 9... I'm 28 next month so you do the math!

David: Would you ever consider collecting rocks?

Bo: I used to when I was really young. But now, probably not. I don't want to become Hank from Breaking Bad.

David: Are you seeing anyone serious right now? If not, are you taking applications for a girlfriend?

Bo: Nope, no one right now! And if there are applications out there to be my GF, then send them on in. Haha, remember those GF/BF applications on Myspace?! Im so 

David: What is your relationship with Maris The Great?

Bo: Maris and I have been off and on for a while now. We were officially in a Facebook relationship for a while, so you know how serious that is! Right now we're broken up because he thinks I got jealous that he was going after some other guy at our last show.

David: The guitars are cool in your band. Any chance at ever doing a hair metal song?

Bo: Well, we play some metal and our guitarists have hair, so technically it IS hair metal! But no probably not, we are really terrible at doing covers.

David: Give a shout out to your favorite fish here!

Bo: I just wanna give a shout out to the mighty Alaskan Salmon.

David: If you were gay, would you be a bottom or top?

Bo: I assume, for gay guys, that both probably have their own benefits. I'm going to go with top.

David: What are some other cool local bands that you are into?

Bo: That's a hard question! Lately I've been most into Lucida Tela, The Dawn Chose Orion, Dead For Denver, and Conquer Everest

David: What kind of man are you? Mac or PC?

Bo: Mac all the way. I went to school for graphic design sooo,, it comes with the territory.

David: Check this video out and tell me you didn't see God just then!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ

Bo: I love this movie! Don hertzfelt is an amazing animator. I remember seeing this like 10 years ago! oh and, "i didn't see god just then"

David: Do you believe in that bullshit that there's always room for Jell-O?

Bo: ALWAYS.

David: What are your favorite kinds of movies?

Bo: I love horror and comedy. If it's a comedic horror movie, then even better.

David: If you could murder anyone and get away with it, what kind of car would you drive?

Bo: Charger. If we're killing someone, might as well have a super awesome car to go with it.

Interview with Brandon Pirkle

Interview with Brandon Pirkle

By: David McGhee

Brandon Pirkle is an up and coming tattoo model from Austin, Texas. And as they say, everything is bigger in Texas! Well it sure is true for this 6'2” hottie! Although I have yet to inquire about his junk (I was told that that is not what straight people like to talk about) so instead I just comfort him with the reassurance of female boobies.

up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start!

Now that he's at ease, Brandon has agreed to talk to me about all things Brandon Pirkle! At least I hope he does. He doesn't know about this yet... But here it is!

Brandon: by the way, im from Lewisville, Texas lol

David: Shut up! Now for the questions you hot mother fucker you!

*all grammatical errors are Brandon's. Just thought you should know that.*

1: Is the Brandon Pirkle seeing anyone at the moment? If so, would she share?

Brandon: Nope, havent found her yet.

2: You like skating. I suck at skating. What advice would you give to someone who annually breaks his collarbone?

Brandon: Dont land on your collarbone. lol Land in your ass instead so that you dont break your collarbone haha

David: Easier said than done.

3: Tell us about your tattoos. Like the one on your neck. I think that's your signature look, the neck tattoo.

Brandon: its just all shit that ive learned about life. each of my tattoos have meaning (to me) and my throat one is all about spiritualism

4: What made you decide to do something so permanent?

Brandon: tattooing was just gnarly as fuck so ever since like 16 i wanted to be covered

5: Was modeling something you've always done or did it come with the tattooing skater style you manifested for yourself?

Brandon: it definitely came along with the whole tattooing/skating package so it worked out pretty rad

6: Do you color your hair?

Brandon: Nope, i used to do it black sometimes when i was younger though

7: What's your kind of girl? And be specific! You know... Hair, eyes, height, depth of cervix?

Brandon: Im picky as FUCK when it comes to what im looking for in a girl so i have this down to a point. Blonde or brunette, blue/green/ or hazel eyes, tallER but not taller than me, and right in that happy medium of "thick" and "skinny".

8: What size shoe do you wear? Is there anyone brand that makes your feet happier than others?

Brandon: Size 9, all i wear is either Vans or Toms

9: Give me a picture of your feet. Don't think about it. Just do it!

Brandon: My fucked Skater feet

Pictured: Fucked.

10: Would you ever go back to school on the PELL grant? That's how I got into college. What would you study?

Brandon: I would never go back to school. School can suck my nuts

11: Do you shave your manly body hair or do you manscape?

Brandon: i shave my arms and chest to keep the tattoos looking good and then i manscape as well (of course)

12: What kinds of music do you like? Any favorite bands?

Brandon: i mostly listen to Metal. My favorite band of all time is Suicide Silence. But the OLD Suicide Silence with Mitch Lucker as the Vocalist before he passed away. Not this new replacement bullshit. Rest In Piece Mitch.

13: You seem a little anti-government to me. Do you believe that we will all be eating each other's flesh and we'll suffer a catastrophic economic downturn and all of us will be living Mad Max style someday soon? Because that would be cool. I'd totally be in your posse!

Brandon: Im very anti government. Always have been since i understood government at a young age. and i doubt it would ever get to that point but if it ever did that would be pretty rad. good thing i play lots of Call Of Duty Zombies for practice lol

14: Do you do anything cool? Like smoking or beating chickens to death?

Brandon: The only chicken i beat to death is the one i choke everyday. And nahh all i really do is skate, get tattooed, and chill. since im still trying to get the modeling career kicked off its a lil slow as far as work goes but its gettin there.

15: Omnivore? Herbivore? Or vegan? And explain your answer. I SAID EXPLAIN!!!

Brandon: Isnt Herbivore and Vegan the same shit?.. haha i think you meant Omnivore, Carnivore, or Vegan. lol anyways im a Omnivore, the only meat i really eat is light meat like fish and chicken, and then i also eat alot of fruits and salads

David: That's a Pescatarian... Well, if you'd only eat fish and veges / fruits, which would of made it easier to classify you.

16: Are your parents still together or have they split up or are did they go MIA back in Naam?

Brandon: My parents split up when i was in the 9th grade. Mom got remarried and the Pops got a girlfriend

17: What do you like to do for fun that isn't skating and makin' bacon with hotties you freaking manwhore?

Brandon: When did i ever make bacon with hotties? i dont even remember the last time i fuckin ate bacon?.. lol but anyways, other than skating i love playing Zombies on Call Of Duty (Black Ops 2), i like getting tattooed, making youtube videos, going out with friends, and just planning on how im gunna get my ass out to Cali haha it keeps me motivated everyday

18: Give a shout out to your favorite ice cream here!

Brandon: Shoutout to chocolate ice cream with M&Ms, Oreos, Reeses, Kit Kats, Chocolate Chips, Snickers, and a Strawberry on top cause you gotta make that shit healthy

19: Would you ever consider getting a golden grille for your teeth?

Brandon: Oh, you mean like these?

Not so Little Wayne.

20: I'm out of questions... But before we depart, do you want to say anything to my tens of hundreds of readers? Anything you wanna get off your chest? Like perhaps your undying love of fall scented candles or something?

Brandon: Ummmm, hi, Im Brandon, and in a past life i was some sort of Soup-Based Food. Ps: I Love You All

And that concludes our date with Brandon. Unfortunately he did not invite me up for a night cap. So fuck him! That's right! Fuck you Brandon Pirkle!