I Do Not Think you are Ready for This Jelly

I Do Not Think you are Ready for This Jelly

By: David McGhee

Hey all you wonderful people out there! I can't believe I'm tracking an average of 150 viewers a day. Thank you guys so much for that! :-)

As you may have noticed I haven't posted in a few days. The interviews are lagging and my creative mind has been ruptured previously due to a nasty stomach infection. Again. Stupid Chaboni Yogurt. Giving me H. Pylori and shirt. Yeah! I call for a two week boycott of their yogurt! Effective retroactively two weeks ago! Yeah bitches. I just totally did that. Oh yeah.

I'm really medicated right now so I'll get down to the point. Boo. It's Halloween and shit and my roommates hate horror movies. So I suppose the closest thing I'll get to see of the horror variety this year will most likely either be “John Dies in the End” or “The Avengers.”

You know what? Wait a second; let me backtrack here. I just saw Thor last night. You know? The one where the guy is tall and he beats people up because he's tall and he abuses people with a hammer made from the something of the Gods or some shit? His shirtless scenes were to my satisfaction but the lack of penetration in this movie left a bitter taste in the back of my mouth. Because that's where you taste sour right? Fuck if I know. I just know that all the taste buds are on all the upper surface of the tongue. If you knew that, give yourself a gold star. If you don't have one then drive to the store! You fucking rich kid man whore. I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU! Not with butt sex, but with my appalling butt face.

Man I wish I had the nerve to post my butt on the internet. Despite what many may say, I have sort of a problem with my body image. Others may see me as the small pudgy guy or thin or whatever the fuck they say while I believe that I am a walking vaginal cavity. The kind with all those weird lips and shit! Eeeewwww....

I hope this man rots alive in his Denver apartment!

Man, if I was straight and confident in myself and my height then I would be Prince Harry. I bet that dude gets his ginger pubes all over a bitch's mouth. She be getting it stuck in her teeth from blowing the fire crotched prince of England. Fuck if I just had ten minutes with him... I'd totally show him my music and this blog and I'd like to tell him that he is a very handsome man. Then I'll congratulate him on being tall and red headed. Chicks dig it. That and I bet his feet are fantastic! But I'm not sure I would ask him that out loud. I've been told that by doing that I am weirding the other guy when I bring up the subject of feet. I wonder if his toes have little red hairs on them? Would that be appropriate to ask?

My mind just sort of works this way. I'm really smart but my Aspergers gives me a lack of social understanding. I don't mean to creep someone out or irritate them. There is this one guy one my Facebook and Twitter who hates me no matter how nice I am to him. I don't understand why I'm so annoying?

I know one reason has to be my high weird voice. Don't believe me? Just sift through my catalog of recordings over at http://goodbyetimebomb.bandcamp.com

I swear I'm not grabbing for attention. I used to do that but now I'm pretty oblivious to what goes on around me. As I said, I can possibly do really advanced math if I tried but I swear I will never remember to look both ways across a fourway while the walk light is red. I'm so silly! Ha ha. Splat!

Also I recently watched The Avengers. Holy shit was it good! I don't remember dick about the story but you got to see Captain America (Chris Evans) shirtless in all of his sexy sexiness! I wish I looked like Chris Evans. I bet he knows he's hot and he's a total man whore. His brother is gay did you know that? So he may not get mad at me if when I meet him, I ask for a spoonful of his hearty man chowder. He seems like a scary big dude. Tall and / or big men really scare me.

Asshole! But soooo manly...

I suppose this fear / attraction thing started in high school. I was thirteen and I witnessed all of my friends and classmates grow taller than me. Plus I started to notice how they were thinner than me. Some even had abs. I remember one time I had this kid over from my class and he slept with his shirt off. I must of stared with my jealous eyes for over a minute because he noticed me looking at him and asked me if I was a fag.

Sure... Why not. I didn't even hit puberty until I was like sixteen. Partly because of the heavy duty anti-psychotics or flat out fucking tranquilizers and the other half was just shitty genetics on my part. My brother is probably an inch taller than me but I didn't reach my full adult height of five seven until I was twenty six.

So while I was a man stuck in a child's body, all the other guys I knew were turning into men. Really attractive young men. I wouldn't have even entertained the notion that I could be gay at that time. I didn't come out until I was like twenty two. It was Ian Cooke that put the idea in my head. He was so awesomely nice to me. He was tall but he was so nice. While I still had a lot of tension on my end, he was infinitely patient with me. I wish I could have come out to him directly. When I found out who I was (still am) it seemed like it was too late. I've never been romantic with anyone in my life before that. I mean to a guy. But even when I was with girls I still didn't feel that horrible moment defining click. That one where it just pops in your head and you ask your self “Is anyone really ready for my jelly?” It was horrible. I have had zero romantic experience before this and seeing him with another guy right after I told him that I think I was straight (or some bullshit like that...) he found another guy to enjoy his genitals with. I was scared of enjoying the sight of someone's penis. In print, internet, or in person. It horrified me. My dad said when I was like twelve that if I grew up to be a fruit then he'd kick the shit out of me. Loving guy.

I shouldn't rage on my Dad though. He was just crazy and he only reached out for help later in life instead of right away. I suppose he projected his fears onto me because I was openingly expressing my emotions and he was a horrible person socially. I think when I started acting out he saw himself or some shit. I don't know. I flunked psychology. But I suppose, to be fair, I was doing a lot of coke at the time.

Let's rock!

Anyways, Chris Evans scares me. I'm sure he'd hate me just as much as Prince Harry would. Me and my questions about their attractive feet... I don't know. I like manly body parts. Big hands, ect. Stuff like that. Although I know the whole foot / penis ratio thing is total bullshit. I wear size eleven shoe but alas, I am but an average down there man. Yet I know a guy who's six foot two, wears size nine shoe (Brandon Pirkle) and what I assume to be very large genitalia danglings. You can't trust that that shit.

The only way that is remotely reliable to predict a guy's size is to look at his fingers and toes. Long thin fingers and toes can signify large junk on a dude. I like to fantasize about it. Is that wrong?

Anyways, this is because the gene that controls finger and toe growth on involves itself with a male's penis length and possibly girth.

I wish I had me some long toes and fingers. I know my dad was big. What the fuck God!? You truly suck large donkey balls. But I don't really hate you. How can someone hate an imaginary being? Well... I suppose you can hate Superman or something? Shit happens and school buses full of children need saving. And for that we call him a hero? He's a fucking pedophile!

I hate Superman. At least in part because I wish I looked like him. Did you know that the guy who played Superman in that movie had such a big package that they spent a shit load of money digitally making his bulge smaller. What a life, am I right? Big dick and you get paid to repeat words on a paper with the appropriate emotion. Acting. I got it.

I like Joseph Gordon Levitt. I believe he will father many illegitimate children. I suppose this also needs explaining too. Not the whole Joseph Gordon Levitt is hot thing. That's a duh, but the association I have with taller handsomer men is that my mindset sees taller men as having a higher chance at reproducing because of their superior physical and mental traits. A person of higher bodily goodness has a better chance of a quality life on the evolutionary set of things. Bigger males are more attractive to women. And men's sweat is an aphrodisiac that women (and gay men) respond to very favorably. When a man's all working out and he's sweating and the chick walks into the room she goes “Holy shit! He be hot!” And then they proceed to make three aborted little girls.

It is of my belief that jerking off kills six million potential children every time you cum. They just slop onto a tissue or into a sock and they they dry out and die. That and they need the warm inner environment of something like a vagina to continue living for just a little while longer. The bullshit thing is that if a guy doesn't jack off then eventually he'll have the occasional wet dream and wipe out yet another generation of boys and girls. They never even had the chance!

I saw on The Colbert Report that this Democratic senator made a faux bill banning male masturbation in Oklahoma in an attempt to make fun of their anti abortion laws. This whole “life starts at conception” is total bull. Sure it may have a beating heart but it doesn't really have a nervous system, no brain, therefore it feels no pain and is not conscious. You may spend the rest of your life wondering what kind of man whore your son could have been (I say that all tall parents should abort their children at this stage) because aborting it would not physically harm the child in anyway that IT CAN FEEL! No nervous system, no concept of life. That is what I believe.

If you have waited more than a few months then I say put them up for adoption. Fucking religion and stupid men and woman saying they don't like condoms. You know what else is a horrible parasitic monster in almost every way that makes a parasite a parasite by definition which are human children.

Not saying I hate children. But if you can't support them or you are a tall man who is confident that his son will be tall, you should abort them six weeks to three months or sooner. Fucking tall people.

Tall people have no feelings.

Yeah, that sucked. Seeing everyone become adults. I still don't fully feel like I'm a grown up yet. I don't really care about sex at all. And my attractions are crushes at best. I just don't feel like I fit.

It is always cool when I meet someone else with Aspergers. I really believe that Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and that little goblin on In The Middle have the same shit I do. I actually used to be so like Sheldon. But opposed to their not pursuing help, I however have gotten therapy. The best thing for me is to hear facts instead of trying to work out my emotions. I wish I could feel more but to me, if it isn't logical, then why would I do it?

Why I ask you. Why?

I know this is abstract and cold. I do like people, I do. But it's hard to feel any real attachment or empathy with someone. I'm really happy that I've achieved a satisfactory level of affection with Frank. But other people weird me out. Einstein had Aspergers.

I like reading non fiction books a lot. Especially biographies. I am thankful that I got the right diagnosis at the Pueblo Colorado State Mental Facility. I forgotten everyone's name there except for Dr. Stuyt. She was so awesome. Since I wasn't making way with my addictions on an emotional level, she scared me off the drugs with some factual education. She told me to look at my addiction like an evolutionary problem. Or a math problem. Something like that. And the evolutionary system works for me. It will mean that I will forever give the tall men their due.

Fucking man whores...

My Very First Homosexual Experience (At the Age of 7)

My Very First Homosexual Experience (At the Age of 7)

By: David McGhee

From what I remember, and this can be pretty foggy, but I remember having my first ever homosexual experience when I was like seven or so. Don't worry, this isn't going to be a tale of child erotica (Sorry all you cho-mos out there, better luck next time) but involves me feeling that strange butterfly thingy you get in your stomach when you are around someone who is just absolutely stunning. It's sort of like experiencing Stendhal Syndrome. That is if any of you have ever seen something so beautiful that you're just frozen with awe. It's a pretty powerful feeling to have had. I suggest you look up “Channing Tatum” and “Naked” in a Google images search. If only Jake Gyllenhaal or Edward Norton would ever do the world a favor and do some nude modeling. Mmm... Joseph Gordon Levitt's penis...

Wait? What? Oh yeah, adult erotica, but no kiddie. Okay I'm good to go now. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, that feeling so huge that you almost throw up from being around someone so completely your type.

The day had started like any other, only it was the first day of first grade. I had walked the length of road from our trailer up to the side of the outside lying road. It was definitely a good walk; At this point I was a skinny little critter, so the walk wasn't that bad to and fro. I waited for the bus with great anxiety. No one had the slightest idea that I was autistic. How could you tell? Other than I showed no empathy, was always quiet, obsessed over facts, and for about the first eight years of my life, I would twirl around on my side on the carpet. I was obsessed with spinning myself. But anyways, so yeah. People always gave me the willies.

The bus arrived about five minutes after I had and I got on expecting everyone's eyes to be on me. And to my disappointment, they were. Oh well... I sat in the first seat adjacent to the bus driver. I think it was a female one. I'm pretty sure. Too bad I don't remember anything about her. It was my second year at Chattahoochee Elementary School and from my previous experience, I loved it. But the first day of school sucks whether it's the first day of kindergarten or the first day of graduate school. It doesn't matter.

Too bad I blew my chances on crack. Boo! Boo crack!

Anyways, I had gotten to school and had to be escorted to my room because I had still not learned how to read, write, or arithmetic. The signs on the doors were alien to me. I remember that I will have gotten into a reading program during my tenor as a second grade student, which totally transformed me on an intellectual level. Once I could read I read anything I could. I had a college reading level in first grade. Beat THAT Einstein!

What?

Oh... He did, did he? Pfft. The Theory of Relativity my ass! I'd like to see him develop a theory of my bunghole! Am I right girlfriends?

Of course I am. When I got to the right class room I was immediately taken aback at how much bigger the other kids were compared to me. I've always been small. And once I started that horrible anti-psychotic Risperdal I ballooned up to nearly three hundred pounds. I didn't even hit puberty until I was like sixteen! Although considered all the medications I was on I supposed that could have hendered my growth a bit? But then again my father was five six until he was twenty one, then he grew to five eleven. My final height was at twenty six at five foot seven. I can't complain because at least my younger brother is the same height. No taller brother syndrome for David.

Although my older half brother Jimmy is like six foot one. I suppose... I don't know. I'm not a geneticist! Stupid people and their people stuff... Dick. Insert dick. What? Hello!

I found myself looking at the boys and not paying attention to anything female. Sure I liked the teacher because she was a short portly woman who acted nice and did nice things to me. I remember this one girl named Stacy. Man she was a bitch when we first knew each other. She was a rich girl and such so we didn't get along. Although I was friends with the other students and they all lived in mini mansions lined along the road outside my little lonely trailer in the woods? I don't know. I suppose it was because young girls were a little bit frightening to me. They just seemed foreign and shit. I can't explain it. Maybe it was like when a straight guy first interacted with... Wait. I suppose I wasn't that unusual after all?

But there was one kid in particular. I think his name was Josh? But I know I'm not correct. Anyhoo, his name was Josh and he was a lot taller and skinnier than I was. He had the coolest smile and his eyes were a very pretty light shade of blue. His blonde hair was short and spiked a he was really nice to me for a few seconds.

After a week I couldn't take it just staring at him all the time, I had to become his friend. So I walked up to him during computer lab and asked for his phone number. He willingly gave it to me and the next day we were hanging with each other. I was dropped off at his place and he had a wonderful place at that. I was too young to understand anything about money and wealth, but I remember being in complete awe at the sheer amazingness of their modern electronics (Well, modern 1991).

The first thing I noticed about his room was his Sega Genesis laying on top of his dresser next to his extravagantly large color TV. I remember he laughed at my complete and utter knowledge for video games outside of Nintendo but he was cool about it too. He let me play Sonic the Hedgehog and... Actually this is the part of the story where things go bad, in typical David fashion.

I wound up nearly beating the game in one sitting. I died only like twice during my run as well. He was taken aback by my ability to navigate the game. I remember he made his brother and mother come into the room to see me go. But after so much he wanted it back. I gave it to him of course. But he was never the same towards me again.

I don't think I said or did anything weirder than normal? But if I had to peg it and show it as proof that people are born gay, I'd say this was the first time I really got excited over another boy. He made me feel like I wanted to live with him and be his shadow. He was just so cool in my eyes and it physically hurt to be around him. Perhaps my parents (and his) were aware of this and that's why we weren't allowed to see each other again...

I am always at a loss as to what I've done to make someone leave me. I do this all the time. I can't believe I have found such a great partner in Frank and friends in Erin, Drew, and Torvald. So it's all cool now. But I never really had any friends until I moved to Colorado.

I remember the second time a boy made me shiver... His name was Nate and this was in high school too. I went to Duluth Middle School in Duluth Georgia up until I was eighteen. Ha ha... I never even drunk liquor until I was like twenty, so I wasn't one of the cool kids. I had bad social anxiety and I was crammed into the special ed department. I remember there being a mean (at the time I thought she was mean, I really wish I could thank her now for my love of science, but I'm sure she's dead now.) teacher named Mrs Gray (or Grey?). The name with the bill because she had a short cut head of curly gray hair. She even had those librarian glasses too. She was the whole school teacher package.

Anyways, there was also this obscenely attractive girl in the same class as Zack and me and I always remembered them talking about driving in his car and making out. I always thought of Zack being all big and tall and skinny and attractive and going to town on the girl. I don't know why but I pictured myself as Zack when masturbating. I still do that, pretend to be someone else. You know... Because I'm short fat and ugly as sin. At least that's what my Body Dysmorphic stuff is telling me anyways.
Stupid ugly person me!

You fat bastard!

I wrote this song a while ago. It's pretty catchy and I wish I had a recording of it. I suppose when I get my student loans I could record it. So then it shall be.

Green and Sober

By: David McGhee

Things have been so much better since I've been sober

I'm so fucking happy, I could cry a lot

Maybe this is life and maybe this is my lot

Things have been so much better since I've been sober

I'm so freaking ecstatic, I just shit myself

Maybe this is my life and this here is my lot

Maybe these things are all I've got

Maybe I could die of embarrassment

I don't wanna be myself

I wanna be someone else

And fall away

Oh I'll just fall away

Into the sea where no one needs me

Things have been so much better since I've been sober

I'd give a fuck but I cry too much

Maybe this is my life and maybe this is my lot

Things have been so much better since I've been sober

I'm so fucking happy I could kill myself

Maybe this is my life and this here is my lot

Maybe these things are all I've got

Maybe I could die of embarrassment

I don't wanna be myself

I wanna be someone else

And fall away

Oh I'll just fall away

Into the sea where no one needs me

Why do we always ruin our lives?

When we're happy?

I wanna feel just the same

Why do we always do it to ourselves?

To be happy?

It just doesn't feel the same

I know that what I have is all that I'll ever get

I know that what I have is all that I'll ever get

And I know that what I have is all that I'll ever get

And I know that my hatred for myself rests in the same bed

Things have been so much better

Things have been so much better

Things have been so much better

Things have been so much better

I don't wanna be myself

I wanna be someone else

And fall away

Oh I'll just fall away

Into the sea where no one needs me

It's an older song really. I can't wait to record it. Ever see the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles? Yeah. So have I. Well... That's about everything I can think of for now. Until next time you sexy, sexy men and woman you!

Smiley face.

El, oh, el.

My Days Among the Hippies

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Tall, Dark, and Legal

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The only 4 jobs homosexual males ever seem to have

The only 4 jobs homosexual males ever seem to have

By: David McGhee

As a gay male, it saddens me that many of my compatriots that adhere so annoyingly to prevalent stereotypes. Like the gay guy with that lisp and you're just like wondering if it's learned or if Mother Nature was drinking anti freeze when she made him. Plus, you know, the flamers, (not to be confused with trolls) give us a bad rep too.

Being gay for so long makes one notice the gay around him or herself all that much more. It has been in my (and many of my friends) observations that gay guys seem to only be employed in one of four fields. Of course you have your highly educated gays who hold positions of power and creative control, but we're not talking about them. I'm talking about the four jobs that seem to have a gay target on them.

1: Starbucks

Hell, they've even come out as pro same sex marriage. And people have certainly taken notice on their stance and some even have a few choice words for the company. And bigots being bigots, boycott the gayest establishment this side of Jamba Juice.

http://www.mediaite.com/online/conservatives-boycott-starbucks-over-coffee-chains-support-of-same-sex-marriage/

2: Flight Attendant

It's not just me on this one. It has been noted time and time again that the airline industry has been one big gay joke for as long as it's been cool to be “different.”

http://www.gadling.com/2011/02/21/galley-gossip-male-flight-attendants-gay/

It has even caused straight people to notice and dissect our decisions in life.

http://hpoole.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/why-are-so-many-flight-attendants-gay-a-straight-point-of-view/

3: Hair Stylist

Why are so many male hairstylists homosexual? One blogger assumes that this is because of our nurturing nature and an in-built need to groom others. This dates back to our monkey days when we were picking coodies off of our buds.

http://www.blogher.com/why-are-so-many-hair-stylists-gay

4: Massage Therapist

There haven't been much ado about this one because so few massage therapists are male.

http://empoweringwellnessnow.com/would-you-ever-see-a-male-massage-therapist/#

It might have to do with the fact that straight guys are generally too unsure about their sexuality to touch another man. It would be like “Don't touch me bra! I'm like totally into chicks!” and then they do a circle jerk. Or so I assume that's how straight people act.

My Alarm Cock

My Alarm Cock

By: David McGhee

I wake up at six in the morning

  Every morning.

    I wake up to my alarm cock.

It hits me in the face, begging me to play with it.

 But it's so fucking early!

   I awake to my alarm cock.

But to be truthful it's really Frank's alarm cock.

  I'm just a part time fellow myself.

    I hear they don't make them like this anymore.

      Frank is corn fed, hung like a horse, feet like a Roman emperor.

        His cock is one of alarm.

          For he owns the alarm cock.

Safe in bed and safe with his alarm cock.

  Although, technically it is mine,

    because I set the timer.

He lets me make tea. So I make chai.

  Chai gives you better blood flow to your alarm cock.

    That's if you're a dude.

      Dudes rule!

        Cocks rule!

And alarm cocks slap me in the face!

  Wake up!

I awake to my alarm cock.

  He rests it on my forehead, my alarm cock.

    Frank is inside my mouth, my alarm cock.

      It rests on my shoulder, my alarm cock

Frank puts it in my eye.

I love my alarm cock.

One day I will be a man of my own.

  And I will use my own alarm cock

    To wake me up.

      To have and to hold.

Give me my alarm cock! Goddammit, or I'll cut a bitch!!!

Five things that can give you whiskey dick.

1: Alcohol – Yeah this one is obvious. You drink too much and your whole nervous system sort of shuts down on you, making it hard to feel any real sensation at all. Although many have tried and after hours of due diligence they’ve been able to complete the process. Hats are tipped to those who have been able to wear out a vagina into a shaffed and sore little mess in their efforts to bust a nut.

 

2: Cocaine – This one is actually a stimulant which means you should be able to stimulate the hell out of your manly organ right? Wrong, coke numbs the shit out of you. It blocks touch sensations and a form of it is actually used in anesthesia medications. From Novacain to Litacain, they all have one main ingredient.

That’s right! They’re made from the coca leaf.

When the Mayan’s weren’t busy sacrificing their young to the sun God, they were chewing on coca leaves just to get them through the day.

We’ve been doing shit like this for thousands of years folks!

3: Opiates – Now this stuff you’d expect to make your Willy a useless piece of skin. Its main job is to block pain receptors and give you a nice warm buzz by bonding to your opioid receptors. The reason we even have these things is because we already have a natural pain blocker in our own brains that releases whenever we are hurt or in shock. Endorphins are in the opiate class and that’s why you feel so good after exercising and other strenuous workouts (Hint, it won’t be sex!)

Even getting aroused seems like too much work when you’re high on this stuff. You’re body’s more apt to use it’s time doing things like lying around and hugging your cat.

Come to think of it, I never came once while I was on methadone! I remember trying and becoming frustrated. In fact  I think it’s the only time I ever faked an orgasm just to make the whole deal just stop.

4: Too much sex – Men have a refractory period after they orgasm, meaning that all things sexual shut down for at least ten to fifteen minutes before you’re able to go at it again (This statement does not reflect those of you who use and abuse Viagra).

Plus after each successive try your vital bits start to not respond the way it was before you started this marathon. Being that it is one of the most sensitive parts of a man’s body (Tip: One of the others is the nipples, hear that ladies?) it can easy become over sensitive and cause pain. Plus your body has already spent all that energy on the first round or two so it’s sort of in storage mode, meaning you have to work harder each time to get the same results as before.

Wouldn’t you rather have some anti-depressant medication instead?

Oh wait, that’s right…

5: Anti-depressants and other medications – If you think it was bad enough that you snorted all that coke and took too many Viagra pills, wait till you try to come down with some of these medications. Serotonin is a vital part of any healthy brain function. It controls your body’s temperature, your mood, and other chemical processes in your brain.

It’s so important that it has even been linked to sudden infant death syndrome as the main cause. You see when you are a baby everything is still getting wired and rewired and it’s hard for a young’en to withstand so much change. They’re brain tells it to release more of that good stuff and sometimes it just goes overboard, to the dismay of many a mother I’m sure.

I’m not exactly sure how it does it but this shit will make you last until you are too tired to go on any further.

That is if you can even get it up in the first place.