My day back down on south Broadway.

                I used to go out a lot. I was pretty well known by the old scene crowd (although some over thirty elitists would disagree on the decade in which said old scene occurred. I’m looking at you Tom!) so when I got a little bit of money together I decided to go back down on south Broadway to the old hang out spots. It had been planned the week before with my best pal Erin; I’d buy this week if she would buy the next.

                It was a sunny Friday afternoon and to be honest I was pissed off that it had not been cooler that day. I prefer to dress up in as many layers as I can normally. Stupid weather…

 As I waited at the bus stop with Erin and her daughter Victoria I began to notice all the cracks in the sidewalk surrounding me and the anxiety was showing in my face. Erin looks over at me and begins to laugh. Apparently my little quirks amuse her. Well, better that than her being freaked out by me, which happens more often than not.

                The 0 bus came up to its stop on seventeenth and California and the two were up and ready to get on the bus, but I slowed things down by avoiding all the cracks in the ground. I do this when I’m nervous; I haven’t been down in that area in so very long. It felt like I was going to an intervention or something. I was just expecting Matt and Allison to just show up and give me lip about my three drink limit at Sputnik. It’s really not all that bad and it’s most likely in my best interests. But I just didn’t want to hear it that day though.

                The bus dropped us off on Ellsworth and Broadway and it all immediately flooded back to me. The place where Fancy Tiger was was once the home of Chielle. That was a cool place. Old time scenesters Sara Tea, Wendy Marlow, and Alisa Dowel used to own it until they went their separate ways and moved to east Colfax and then to that great boutique shop in the sky. I liked Sara Tea. I once wrote a song about her and everyone always asked why I would list such horrible drug substances in the chorus. It had nothing to do with her. It was just some of the things that I had tried to get my frequent migraines to go away; Percoset, alcohol, vicoden and cocaine. Although I wouldn’t recommend the latter because you will only want more and the high goes away after you’ve been doing it for a week. Plus it’s freaking expensive!

                Instead of telling kids that they shouldn’t do drugs their parents should just make them buy them with their own money. Sheesh!

                Anyways… We got off at our stop and head toward Go Fish on the right side of Sputnik. It’s a very good sushi place and cheap at that. If only they gave out hot towels and had wasabi bloody Marys it would be the totes! Erin and I had a cigarette while Victoria fidgeted around the entrance until we were ready. Once inside the waiter sat us at an outside table and gave us the menu and drink list. Erin had made me promise that I was going to have sake. I decided to go all out and ordered pineapple sake with some sort of honey beer. Both were disgusting but I drank them up anyways, for Erin’s sake of course. Then I drank hers and we ordered more and by the time the sushi was ordered I was pretty hammered. The proof in this pudding had to be the amount of sushi I had ordered. When it came Erin and I were speechless. Victoria pointed at me and started laughing about how much of a drunk I am. I had ordered a fucking party tray it seemed, a very, very expensive party tray.

                But life is too short to waste time grumbling about stupid and delicious decisions.

                The only cure for this was more sake. By the time we finished I had two to go boxes and an itch to go over to Mutiny Now across the street and pillage books like a literary Viking, sans the rape of course. As I signed my name on my card receipt and the waiter brought over three complementary glasses of sake, Erin and I were dumbstruck because Victoria was underage, although she was just fourteen she could easily pass for twenty one. At least now I suppose she could. Wow…

                What happened next is a source of controversy amongst us consenting adults and one adolescent. After all that jazz we headed off to Mutiny Now and I think I bought a Chuck Palahniuk book. I can’t really remember because I have so many books and I was drunk at the time. That could explain where this book about male hookers getting raped to death with dildos came from. I probably asked the owner for a recommendation or something. So far I’m at the part where the psychiatrist bangs a tranny.

                When that was over we went back across the street and into Sputniks. I was hoping to see someone I knew so I began investigating while my two female friends found a spot at the bar. To no avail I went back outside and saw that the Hi Dive was open. I didn’t want to abandon my friends but I wanted to see if I could find someone I knew. Going in was like a flash back to the old times. I can’t even begin to describe the many times I have fallen off that stage drunk… It was empty anyway except for Nathanial Radcliff and his group of two. That familiar adrenalin rush went through my head and with a smile on my face I went up to him and say what’s up.

                I got up near him at the bar; he still wasn’t paying any attention to me so I tapped his shoulder and got his attention.

                And this is what I said… “I hate you.”

                Nate laughed and slapped me on my back and asked how I’ve been. I told him that I had been diagnosed with Aspergers and that’s why I am so out there. He didn’t believe me at first but I said it a second time and he said “Whatever”, which is the best response that one could hope for with this guy. And with a smile and a heavy heart I left them be. I had nothing more to say to him and he was trying to mack on his woman so I came back to Sputnik and sat at the bar beside my friends. The bartender came up, a cute guy with a hipster beard, and asked us what we wanted to drink. Erin wanted to get the fruitiest girl drink they had and he gave her something that looked like it had been aborted by a gay pineapple. I forgot the exact name but it was definitely stronger than my white Russian. So when I finished that I ordered a long island and told the guy to cut me off after three drinks. I got my long island and started to bullshit with the bartender. After a while I asked him if he remembered me but he said no. It will take me a little while to get used to this new scene.

                Whilst drunken off my ass I decided to whip out Erin’s laptop and do my psych homework. I would have gotten a ninety if I hadn’t listened to her… And in my drunken stupor I accused her as being everything that is wrong with my life. But this was remedied with a few more sips of her strange brew. Then all was good again.

                After that it was pretty much a blur. A cab was called and I think I left a ten dollar tip for the bartender with the cute butt; he in turn hugged me with his big manly hipster arms. Either way it was a good time for all involved.

                The next morning I awoke in my underwear with no sheets on and the sushi to go containers had been left out on the floor from the night before. With a moment’s hesitation I started to eat said contents. A little day old raw fish never hurt nobody.

…

…At least nobody I know of.

Five things that can give you whiskey dick.

1: Alcohol – Yeah this one is obvious. You drink too much and your whole nervous system sort of shuts down on you, making it hard to feel any real sensation at all. Although many have tried and after hours of due diligence they’ve been able to complete the process. Hats are tipped to those who have been able to wear out a vagina into a shaffed and sore little mess in their efforts to bust a nut.

 

2: Cocaine – This one is actually a stimulant which means you should be able to stimulate the hell out of your manly organ right? Wrong, coke numbs the shit out of you. It blocks touch sensations and a form of it is actually used in anesthesia medications. From Novacain to Litacain, they all have one main ingredient.

That’s right! They’re made from the coca leaf.

When the Mayan’s weren’t busy sacrificing their young to the sun God, they were chewing on coca leaves just to get them through the day.

We’ve been doing shit like this for thousands of years folks!

3: Opiates – Now this stuff you’d expect to make your Willy a useless piece of skin. Its main job is to block pain receptors and give you a nice warm buzz by bonding to your opioid receptors. The reason we even have these things is because we already have a natural pain blocker in our own brains that releases whenever we are hurt or in shock. Endorphins are in the opiate class and that’s why you feel so good after exercising and other strenuous workouts (Hint, it won’t be sex!)

Even getting aroused seems like too much work when you’re high on this stuff. You’re body’s more apt to use it’s time doing things like lying around and hugging your cat.

Come to think of it, I never came once while I was on methadone! I remember trying and becoming frustrated. In fact  I think it’s the only time I ever faked an orgasm just to make the whole deal just stop.

4: Too much sex – Men have a refractory period after they orgasm, meaning that all things sexual shut down for at least ten to fifteen minutes before you’re able to go at it again (This statement does not reflect those of you who use and abuse Viagra).

Plus after each successive try your vital bits start to not respond the way it was before you started this marathon. Being that it is one of the most sensitive parts of a man’s body (Tip: One of the others is the nipples, hear that ladies?) it can easy become over sensitive and cause pain. Plus your body has already spent all that energy on the first round or two so it’s sort of in storage mode, meaning you have to work harder each time to get the same results as before.

Wouldn’t you rather have some anti-depressant medication instead?

Oh wait, that’s right…

5: Anti-depressants and other medications – If you think it was bad enough that you snorted all that coke and took too many Viagra pills, wait till you try to come down with some of these medications. Serotonin is a vital part of any healthy brain function. It controls your body’s temperature, your mood, and other chemical processes in your brain.

It’s so important that it has even been linked to sudden infant death syndrome as the main cause. You see when you are a baby everything is still getting wired and rewired and it’s hard for a young’en to withstand so much change. They’re brain tells it to release more of that good stuff and sometimes it just goes overboard, to the dismay of many a mother I’m sure.

I’m not exactly sure how it does it but this shit will make you last until you are too tired to go on any further.

That is if you can even get it up in the first place.

Five reasons why beer is better than companionship.

1: Beer won’t want to get into your business as to whether or not you’ve been drinking too much. I’m not one to complain but nothing is a bigger buzz kill than having the person you’re with tell you that you are too drunk to keep going. Fuck that! A beer will always be up for another beer if you let it!

2: Beer makes sex better, whether you are alone or with multiple partners. I’m sure that you wouldn’t have joined that gang bang with that cute little Asian girl if you weren’t already hammered. Especially if there is more than one penis involved.

3: Beer makes you into an awesome person! You simply cannot lose when you drink beer! Whether or not anyone agrees is moot because you know you’re a stud after packing in a few brewskies! When haven’t you felt like superman when you’ve been plastered? Go ahead and punch through that wall! No one’s stopping ya big guy! Just have another drink and try again!

4: Beer never tells you, you can’t do something! When’s the last time beer has told you that you can’t go out and have a good time? If you had a boyfriend or girlfriend they may be concerned with your alcoholism, but not beer! It’s your best friend when you think you’ve had enough! Just ask for it by name and the bartender will oblige!

5: You make better memories with beer. Come on, be truthful, when’s the last time you didn’t have a night to remember when you’ve been out drinking with your buddy beer? Whether you woke up with ten nude midgets or you found yourself sitting in the drunk tank with a clown named Skittles. No night is a night is complete without a full on blackout! The stories you hear about your escapades the day after are just as priceless and unique as a snowflake!

So go ahead and drink till your dick won’t work! It won’t stop you from trying and your advances are sure to stir up controversy at some point!

Just one more round before you hit on that red headed chick? Whaddya’ say buddy?

Added bonus: A beer will never say I told you so when you get a hangover. If anything it will want to hang out with you all that much more! A bit of the hair of the dog is all this fine brew will ever tell ya when you feel like blowing your head off with a gack, unlike some stupid whiny bitch who tells you you need to stop drinking.

Fuck that shit!