Why Penises are Awesome!

It's awesome having a penis. Am I right fellas? Penises are just great. I like many varieties of penises. Small, medium, and large. Although larger ones are harder to get in your poop hole... People always want a big penis but I say that I think all penises are awesome.

Have a micro penis? Awesome! Hung like Mr Ed? Erm... Good for you!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Both uninspired and bored. Things have gotten better. I've been seeing more penises lately. It's been a good few months.

My new band just made a new album. We are The Vanilla Milkshakes and our new album is called “How to Ruin Friendships and Influence Douche Bags.” You can hear it here:

http://thevanillamilkshakes.bandcamp.com and then buy it on iTunes! It's that awesome! Or buy it from Bandcamp. Either way it's cool.

My favorite song on the album is “Dance! Robot! Dance!” but everyone else likes “Kreep” and “At Odds With God.” Also “Brand New Sound” is also a goodie!

Other than that, I've been thinking about penises lately. Many of them. All side by side and shaking each others hand. I'd go to a nude beach but there'd just be a bunch of unattractive people there. Why don't nudists work out?

Oh yeah. I've started to work out. Going to be all sexy and skinny for the sex and skinny that will come about this summer. Fifty push ups and sit ups a day to start off. Plus some jogging. I feel tight everywhere. I just want to look good naked. Maybe go to a nude beach and show them old folks how it's done.

Five reasons why beer is better than companionship.

1: Beer won’t want to get into your business as to whether or not you’ve been drinking too much. I’m not one to complain but nothing is a bigger buzz kill than having the person you’re with tell you that you are too drunk to keep going. Fuck that! A beer will always be up for another beer if you let it!

2: Beer makes sex better, whether you are alone or with multiple partners. I’m sure that you wouldn’t have joined that gang bang with that cute little Asian girl if you weren’t already hammered. Especially if there is more than one penis involved.

3: Beer makes you into an awesome person! You simply cannot lose when you drink beer! Whether or not anyone agrees is moot because you know you’re a stud after packing in a few brewskies! When haven’t you felt like superman when you’ve been plastered? Go ahead and punch through that wall! No one’s stopping ya big guy! Just have another drink and try again!

4: Beer never tells you, you can’t do something! When’s the last time beer has told you that you can’t go out and have a good time? If you had a boyfriend or girlfriend they may be concerned with your alcoholism, but not beer! It’s your best friend when you think you’ve had enough! Just ask for it by name and the bartender will oblige!

5: You make better memories with beer. Come on, be truthful, when’s the last time you didn’t have a night to remember when you’ve been out drinking with your buddy beer? Whether you woke up with ten nude midgets or you found yourself sitting in the drunk tank with a clown named Skittles. No night is a night is complete without a full on blackout! The stories you hear about your escapades the day after are just as priceless and unique as a snowflake!

So go ahead and drink till your dick won’t work! It won’t stop you from trying and your advances are sure to stir up controversy at some point!

Just one more round before you hit on that red headed chick? Whaddya’ say buddy?

Added bonus: A beer will never say I told you so when you get a hangover. If anything it will want to hang out with you all that much more! A bit of the hair of the dog is all this fine brew will ever tell ya when you feel like blowing your head off with a gack, unlike some stupid whiny bitch who tells you you need to stop drinking.

Fuck that shit!

Evolution of our wangs.

Did you know that the gene that controls toe size also controls penis size as well?

It must be true! Learn more about the elusive HOX gene here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hox_gene

Let me start this off by saying that I’d like to think of myself as a connoisseur of the male genitalia. Small, medium, large, they’re all good! Nice and cut or uncut, long or short. I don’t know how I would live without my friend the penis. I’m sure many of you even have one of your own, and for those who don’t I’m sure you enjoy them just as much as we enjoy them ourselves.

I mean, they’re great! They don’t cause men to cramp up in the middle of the month and bleed out like a deer that’s been shot. Its only purpose is to tinkle and make sex just awesome. Seriously, you should try it sometime!

As amazing as this male organ is does anyone ever take the time out to really think about and appreciate the pink torpedo?

You got to think that while it is an awesome tool it serves a basic biological function, which is to deliver sperm to the female’s uterus so it can fertilize any available eggs that may be floating around. Us men are the proud owners of a Y chromosome and very little else.

When you compare our penis sizes with that of any other primate you find that we are definitely in the lead here. A chimp’s dick only measures about three inches. Same goes for the mighty gorilla, which makes him way out of proportion! We humans average at about 5.5”-6” down in the nether regions and that is the biggest non boned package in the animal kingdom.

Did you know that they have to make special condoms for India because the males there are so small?

Yeah… But hey, they made the Kama Sutra right?

What made our penises get so long and thick? There are two theories (I personally think it’s a combination of both) that try to explain our magnificent thingamabobbers. I mean seriously, they’re awesome! Thank you Darwin!!!

Let’s start with the first theory shall we? It’s known that we have the genetic markers for spines on our genitals. Not unlike cats and dogs we used to have spines that came out of the shaft and hooked onto the female. The spines are supposed to clean out competing sperm and make way for your own. In the arms race that is evolution however it appeared that the longer and thicker the penis was the better chance you would have of fathering a young’n. You see the longer and thicker it was the more ease in which it scooped out the sloppy seconds out of the vagina!

Since we don’t have those anymore we now have a mushroom capped gland which does pretty much the same thing.  An evolutionary psychologist by the name of Gordon Gallup devised an experiment to test this theory.

For off he bought two dildos and then another one but it didn’t any top to it (it was all shaft). He got some realistic rubber vaginas and implanted a substance resembling sperm into the cavities (from what I heard it was just water and flour) and put the penises into them and mimicked a few minutes of sexual intercourse. After they were done they found that the two normal dildos scooped out nearly 91% of the simulated sperm while the headless control only brought out a meager 35%. So with this there seems to be some logic for the argument that bigger penises mean more reproductive success.

Plus you got to think practically too. A longer, thicker penis would displace a lot more semen closer into the uterus than a smaller one. Sorry fellas, size matters. At least when it comes to trying to get your best friend’s spooge out of your girl.

How did we lose our spines you ask? That’s where the second theory comes into play. There are three types of selection for evolution to thrive:

Natural selection – Nature takes its course and does what she does just to see what comes out.

Selective breeding – This is when you purposefully mate a species until something new comes along.

Sexual selection – Generally the female picks the man she wants. This is true in almost all the species of anything on this planet that reproduces by sex.

So if you were a female back in those cave days and you had two suitors wanting to have sex with you. Which one would you choose? The one with the spines or the one who would hurt less. I think that after a few hundred thousand to a million years the spines were phased out of the gene pool. This allowed for more competition since sex does feel great and it started the ball rolling for mass distribution of our kind across the planet.

After sex was made readily available for the first time (girls no longer had carotene scraping their vagina walls) we just had at it!

The idea behind the second theory is that a bigger penis just looks more attractive to the opposite sex. Just like a peacock would show off his feathers, it was impressive to see something bigger than normal so it was more enticing to mate with that individual.

A bigger thing also stimulates the vagina more, which makes it attractive to prospective females.

After we started wearing clothes this probably put somewhat of a damper on the progress by repressing our urges and curiosity.

Sex was made to feel great because without it we would die off. Of course it’s going to be one of the best feelings aside from heroin that you’ll ever feel.

Just remember fellas. Sometimes there’s a thing as too big!

Reference: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=secrets-of-the-phallus