After listening to the new offspring record for about two
weeks straight I’ve actually grown quite bored with it… I love those guys but
this album just didn’t click for me. Sure it’s mostly punk rock but it’s the
poppy and out of style tracks that stick out the most.
The Future Is Now – It has speed, it has pizzazz, but it’s
utterly forgettable.
Secrets From the Underground – Again, all shine but no
substance. And since when was Dexter ever part of the underground? He grew up a
rich white good looking jock; there isn’t anything underground about him.
Days Go By – I’m surprised the Foo Fighters haven’t sued
these guys yet.
Turning Into You – I’ve already forgotten how it goes, but I’m
sure he’s talking about turning into a large penis.
Hurting As One – Do you know pain Dexter? Like real pain?
Ever wake up in a flea bag motel next to a junkie transvestite prostitute
covered in your own excrement? Actually that would make him pretty hardcore.
Cruising California – SELLOUT TRACK! Yet it’s catchier than
Avian Flu. The pre chorus sizzles with pretty girl voices and the chorus is so
dumb it’s brilliant! It’s definitely a song you love to hate.
All I Have Left Is You – This is actually a pretty good song
despite it being a power ballad. It has pianos and melodic solos all
throughout, plus Dexter tries to sing low and it’s actually pretty. A definite
panty dropper.
OC Guns – I really don’t want to like this song but the
chorus is almost worth the effort to sit through it. Almost.
Dirty Magic – One of my favorite tracks from their second
album “Ignition” gets a do over and added balls. I still like the original but
this is obviously just so they can play it live now and have people recognize
it. As a musician myself I know how strong the urge is to remake older songs.
This time it came out great!
I Wanna Secret Family With You – The chorus is so fucking
retarded and catchy that you’ll find yourself singing it to other people on the
bus ride home and / or annoying your friends with it. At least that’s what I’ve
done…
Dividing By Zero – This is like first album Offspring. Very
fast and on the verge of speed metal. Great song!
Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell
– Musically this song is completely boring. It’s the same four chords over and
over again with no variation. Catchy as hell though, but if you are looking for
stand out musicianship then you best go somewhere else.
Sometimes some band records somebody else’s song and it turns out to be just the end all of awesomeness!Contenders of the best bands who do good cover renditions include The Offspring (The Buzzcocks – Autonomy), Alien Ant Farm (Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson), Korn (Word Up! – Cameo) and Green Day (Pretty much every song they cover is noteworthy. I think their fame is due to how his voice sounds. He is aggressive sounding but it comes off like a little kid throwing a vocal fit in key to pleasurable (generally bland and unoffensive songs that keep the people coming back because almost every one of their hits sound like their older hits. I feel this has been going on since Dookie when their producer probably told them “This song sounds better than your other songs! Make more just like this so at least you’ll have some decent hummable yet commercial songs! Remember it’s verse / chorus / verse OK? ;-) ). Yeah. I bet that producer was one of those industry types who masquerade as cool because he knows of less popular bands and pays attention to their songs so they can pretend like they give flying fuck about people who can’t personally make him money!
Wow… Where did that come from I wonder? Sometimes I can surprise even myself! Like just the other day I was all like “Dude… I can do algebra now! Did I used to have a brain tumor and now it’s gone?”. Seriously. I used to suck that much at math.
But less talky talky about math and more talky talky about bands who either fucked up a song by another band or they always fucking ruin your youth’s favorite tunes! Goddamn them!
Ah shit son, here it comes!
Sheryl Crow – Sweet Child Of Mine (Guns And Roses)
I really don’t have a lot of good feelings for this rendition if for anything she left out the jingly riff that was like the catchiest part of the original song! It sounds boring as fuck and it’s almost like she’s singing to a retarded fat camp child who needs to only hear a soothing motherly voice because they just fall apart at the slightest thing! Fuck those kids are annoying! I should know because I’ve been to places like that so I can be completely honest in saying that they are like prisons for stupid little people!
Plus what made Guns And Roses’ version so damn awesome was that it rocked! I mean it was danceable, heavy, and I can really never imagine anyone but Axl singing it. They were awesome because not only were they talented and unique for their time but each one of them had a recognizable style!
Slash played solos that almost sounded like vocals at times, and everything was just super catchy. Even the faster solos made melodic since while other metal bands were doing stupid solos that really were neither catchy nor really sounded like they even belonged in the same song! Early Metallica feels that way to me or really even Anthrax. I don’t remember any songs from Canible Corpse off the top of my head but they were always good at making death metal with cool solos. Proving that it can be done!
So yeah… Slash is purdy keewl…
Plus you have Axl’s one of a kind voice with a bass player who was in many punk bands before Guns And Roses and made really sharp and melodic lines ala The Descendants and Operation Ivy.
Basically what I am trying to say is… Sheryl Crow, do this again and I can’t be held accountable for the mild tantrum that I will throw in the privacy of my own home!
Godhead – Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles)
First off, if you are going to cover the Beatles there has to be some realistic expectations as to what the hell you’re getting your band and career into. I actually did the heavy guitars in place of violins but the whole feeling of the song is just too out of step and instead of hearing a sad song that tells a tragic story you get a rendition that sounds like Danzig was reading off his grocery list when the guy sings!
I have never even seen another video by these guys, suggesting that they betted their whole livelihood on recording and releasing a freaking Beatles song! Last time I checked, nobody can not sound like a totally dick head when they try to play any Beatles song!
It’s sort of like trying to sound like Mike Patton or some influence instead of yourself and basically pissing off everyone who ever spent money on your shitty music. The worst part about this is that they did do their own spin on it. How can something so personalized sound so much like a first year guitar player trying to sound serious and scary when he really just sounds like he’s high on some sort of downer or has issues with speaking correctly…
This band is also disappointing on another level because they were on Marilyn Manson’s personal record label. You’d think at least to get something at least hummable from anything associated with a mainstream artist, right? Marilyn Manson must know dick about when to keep his mouth shut while one of his bands records something I believe. Either that or he just saw the name Godhead and got a boner at the idea of signing a band who could mildly irritate or perturb his dreaded Christian adversaries.
I can’t stress enough how lazy and stupid they sound when they are being all scary and crap. Imagine those kids who you went to school who all wore black every day, and imagine how stupid they looked. Especially that one thirty year old looking kid who looked like he was always too normal to wear black lipstick you know?
That stuff freaked me out!
Faster Pussycat – You’re so Vain (Carly Simon)
I think this band misses the point of the original so many times in their version that it starts to feel like you are actually listening to a faster and more vocal pussycat trying desperately to avoid being comedic. This song just doesn’t work with a hair metal arrangement I would imagine.
The whole bit about a hair band even doing a song about being conceded sort of makes the whole space continuum rip just an inch I bet!
I don’t have a lot to say about this because as I get further into this the songs just keep getting worse and I’m losing patience by just thinking about them!
The Cure – Don’t Believe a Word (Thin Lizzy)
First off, it seems like any band in the eighties who wanted a single tended to feel like a Thin Lizzy song will be an easy buck. Almost every heavy band during that time actually did this on at least one of their albums! (Quiet Riot did two.)
Thin Lizzy is hard to mess up because it’s just really fun sounding music, but when you have it coming out of the mouth of somebody as completely sane and happy as Robert Smith, then it really sounds more like somebody who just has to stop the party for everyone he comes in contact with. He has all the excitement of a funeral director!
Justin Bieber – Love Me (Original song they sampled from was Love Fool by The Cardigans)
This isn’t really a cover in the traditional since. It would be something to the effect of a fucking full on rip off of The Cardigens “Love Fool”. Everything is sampled from that song, EVERYTHING! And to add insult to this lazy self-induced injury is the fact that Justin Bieber is just so damn worthless as a human being and he’s not even going to put the effort into at least trying to make a different song out of it instead of just changing the lyrics and adding a dance beat to the background! Fuck that guy!
Also another reason this song pisses me off is because he’s eighteen now, five foot three, and he just has one of those faces you just want to beat the shit out of!
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so angry about anyone like this ever? If I feel this way imagine what his fans will do when they grow older than twelve!
It is almost Halloween after all right? I just thought I’d share some thoughts on my favorite genre horror movie, as told with my five year old self.
So David, what are your five favorite zombie movie?
Hi David! I got a ball… I like to go up the stairs and drop the ball. Heh heh! It’s funny! These movies are awesome. Watch them with me in case the zombies come out of the screen like they did in The Video Dead. :-(
Favorite zombie movie: Return of the Living Dead – This one scary! It’s about these guys and girls with colored hair (and one girl is nekkid!) and they come to the cemetery. Then they open the cemetery and they go in. Then they play music and dance! (and one girl is nekkid!)
At the big warehouse next to the cemetery where the colored hair people are this old guy tells this young guy that there is zombies downstairs. The young guy says he’s fucking kidding but the old guy says he ain’t. So the old guy and the young guy went downstairs to the drums of zombies. The old one is stupid because he hits the drum and zombie gas comes out.
After nap time the two guys wake up and go upstairs, but the in half dogs on the sticks come to life and the dead body in the freezer comes to life and they call their boss. Their boss comes over and says cuss words a lot until they cut up the zombies into little pieces and bring them to the funeral guy.
The colored hair people are now walking around and being mean to each other. (and one girl is nekkid!)
The people at the funeral guys place burn the zombie parts and gas comes up really high outside. It makes it rain and the stuff goes into the ground to make zombies! The colored hair people come out of the rain into the big warehouse and they find a big slimy blood monster who eats the jerk guy's brains. Then they come outside and the zombies are there! The zombies run and chase the colored hair people (and one girl is nekkid!) and they split up. One people go to the funeral guy’s house and the others go to the big warehouse… Um… House!
But the one girl who is nekkid is stupid because she stopped running and got aten. They aten her brains and then they wanted more brains so they went to the two places with the young guy and the old guy and the boss and the funeral guy and the colored hair people (but not the nekkid one! She dead!)
The people at the funeral guys board up it and then a zombie hand comes through the boards and eats this Mohawk guy’s brains. They cut her in half and put her on a table. She says she wants brains and I was like “DUH”!
Then the boss guy and the black guy go into a car and drive to the big warehouse place. The funeral guy and nice girl are left with the old guy and the young guy, who turn into zombies. So the funeral guy brings the nice girl to his attic and points a small gun to her head. He doesn’t kill her though which is stupid because I don’t like girls.
The cops come and the nekkid girl comes back and eats cops!
The boss and the black guy come to the warehouse and they find the slimey blood zombie so they hit its head off and go downstairs. They find the broken drum and call the army so they fire a nuclear bomb on the place and it blows up!
Then the gassy stuff comes again and makes more zombie rain!
It was cool! They go boom! It was a good movie! I wanna watch it again!
What did you play when you were a kid? Atari? Nintendo? Something like that I bet. Those were the giants of the gaming world up until Sony got into the game and computer first person shooters got so big. I suppose I was always into the left field whenever it came to anything about me. Sure I loved these systems but I liked to see and get things that no one else wanted. I wanted to be diverse and even a hipster at times. I’ve been known to be pretentious when it came to certain things.
Take for example Coldplay. You may think I don’t like them just because they are popular right? Well… Not really. I think that’s a stupid reason to hate something. No, I’ve got a beef with that fucker Chris Martin. Thinks he’s so tall and red headed… Yeah fuck him!
One thing I remember as a kid was getting and selling the Turbografx 16 for most of my childhood. I had a love for that system that cost me more money than I’d like to admit. At least it’s not heroin right?
Oh yeah, gaming addiction is becoming a far more researched affliction and can actually cause withdrawals, just like anything you get addicted to. You see there’s a reward center in our brain that releases feel good chemicals when it does something it perceives that it likes. Be it sex, drugs, eating, or hookers dressed in nothing but cotton candy. You feel good after doing these things. And when your brain gets used to something then it makes it harder to produce and release these chemicals on its own, causing irritability, sleeplessness, and other malfunctions that your body blames you for.
Let’s start off by saying this thing had a little game called “Bonk” that was pretty much the sole reason for purchasing this system.
Although it came with this…
I’ve always thought that if they would package Bonk with the system then they’d sell more things. It didn’t have to be a disaster like when they tried to sell off the Turbografx 16 CD attachment. Or even worse, when the Turbo Duo came out and it was basically a more expensive Sega CD but without all the cool motion videos that weren’t that prevalent back then. In fact to even play games that compared you had to get a booster game card just to push the graphics up even one notch.
It was a cool system. Although the Bonk games were the only ones I really enjoyed.
Well I take that back, I also had a cool little pinball game that I enjoyed.
And this one game called Air Zonk, it was an offshoot of the Bonk franchise that was basically an old school side view shooting game.
You even got bear trap dentures!
All in all it was a pretty cool little device. I never personally got a hold of any of the CD Titles seeing that the going price for one of the better systems cost around three hundred dollars and I was just a little self serving broke kid. But when I think about it now I probably wasn't missing out on much... I mean, take a look at all the excitement I was denied! (probably saved from)
