Alex's Boner Goes to Washington

Alex's Boner Goes to Washington

By: David McGhee

This is me in my first band Ginkins!

And here's me doing a photo shoot for Goodbye Timebomb.

And now back to the zany world of David McGhee! At least I think it's pretty out there. I don't know. I'm not a good judge on my own work you know? Just slip me a twenty and we'll call it even.

Alex stared into his ten gallon fish tank. The one that housed his pet piranha. Well... Not piranha. Those are illegal in America I think? I could Google it but then you wouldn't have anything to complain about when you write your master thesis on my big black cock. Its name was Megabyte. It was fairly large and had graduated to eating small frogs and such. Sometimes Alex liked to cut off his finger tips and feed them to Megabyte.

As he was using a potato peeler to cut his nails when Suzy walked into the room via stage right. “What about a banana?” She screamed at the top of her lungs.

“I am feeling fat. And sassy.” Alex said nonchalantly as he peeled off his right index finger's tip skin, taking the fingernail with it. He dropped the bloody piece of Alex sex into the water. The blood started to fog up the tank. Surely he would have to clean it soon. He wondered if the piranha would get hepatitis C from drinking his blood and eating his spooge. Because he totally had hepatitis from when he shot up with a dirty needle. The man had lied to him and said that he had full blown AIDS. But to Alex's dismay he contracted treatable hepatitis. What a mother fucker?

He thought back to the time when he was humping this hippo of a man named Roger. Roger was fat. And sassy. Giving head had never been so much fun before. Well, Alex didn't give head. He was above that. No. Roger did all the dick sucking. And oh how Alex enjoyed cumming in people(s) mouths. It was the only thing that brought him joy these days. Oh how he used to frolic in the woods, wearing nothing but his sexy sex thin body for warmth. He had a six pack. And he began to drink them all in one sitting.

Feeling fat. And sassy. Alex made eye contact with Suzy and licked his lips.

“Oh please!” Suzy said with disgust. “You must be this high to ride this ride.” She put her hand to her hip to indicate the favored height.

“But...” Alex began. “I'm like, Totally six three.”

Suzy's face contorted into a mass of confused tendons and facial muscles. “Then I suppose you can fuck me?” She said questionably. She stood up to her full five foot stature and looked at the tall skinny white boy sitting on the recliner next to a nick-knack shelf that had an incredibly apathetic fish living in a ten gallon aquarium on top of it. Oh my yes, this fish was apathetic alright. He once ate this young man's penis. The kid cried and said that he had ruined his life. The fish took no notice of his cries of pain and humiliation. For he had just eaten himself some soft bloody stuff. And soft bloody body stuff tasted like soft bloody body stuff and that was a good thing.

The kid later had a penis transplant from a dead porn star. He was so big at the age of five that he wound up doing high profile kiddie porn just to make ends meet in this economy. Oh my yes. And the one you can thank for this is the fucking piranha. Don't you just like saying piranha? It's like a bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb and a zulu.

What's a zulu you ask? Why it's that thing that does that thing at that place where you do the thing but not the other thing because that thing once raped and nearly killed your mother. Oh did I just insinuate that I would write the imagery. Of your mother being raped. By a huge dicked man. Can you picture that? Maybe he's a Mexican? And so what if he was? You fucking racist twat waffle!

Alex punched Suzy in the face and they both hugged. Her lip had burst with blood and guts. Or at least what had looked like guts. The bottom tooth broke through her bottom lip. It was quite disgusting. So disgusting in fact that Alex whistled for his body guard to come up there and get this bitch did. Fucking ho. Thinking that he'd want to fuck a five foot tall girl. Who likes short girls anyways? He did. He fucking did. So when his body guard got to his side he told him to go out and bring him the nuts of the kid who got his dick bit off by his piranha when Alex smeared blood from the kid's finger all over his pee pee and then submersed him into the tank, thus allowing the normally apathetic fish to go completely ape shit and bite the little fucker's dick off. The fact that the kid was making more money doing large dicked kiddie porn than he was making it with short bitches and then pretending like their bank account had been hacked by the government for Homeland Security shit. Because that entity can pretty much do what ever the fuck it wanted to. Fuck with the mob, maybe. Fuck with Homeland Security? Fuck that fucking fuctity fuck shit.

There once was a dog and Bingo was his name-oh. N-IG-G-E-R.

Wait. What? You fucking racist piece of sperm and egg miracle of life! How dare you! You're a white man living in a white world doing white girl things because love ain't no thang. You know what I mean? What-is-up-my-homie? Said the little white guy with Aspergers. He grew up in a prominently black and white (very few chinks) area of Duluth Georgia. David being autistic was always confused when people brought up the subject of race because he doesn't see people as anything really. People continue to be the prominent (excuse me for my laziness) thing that eludes him when it came to remembering people and shit. He always wore a frown but deep down inside he just wanted everyone to be happy.

Is That so wrong? Apparently so. Because immediately after his twenty third birthday he was arrested for possession of heroin. Amazing how time flies. His veins haven't been hungry for much lately. Apparently this drug Suboxone stops the craving for opiates but he was convinced that it stopped his craving for opiates. So he took it. It was a bitch getting it prescribed. It's so fucking expensive too. When Alex was like twenty seven and had a lifetime of mental and physical mishaps, he was finally given the drug treatment for opiate dependence. He did awesome on it and almost got through probation.

If it weren't for me relapsing and being honest that just getting back on Suboxone instead of being on Suboxone and going to this group home rehab thing. That place has fucking bed bugs! No way! And he was honest about this.

His probation officer. Being the sweet and caring person she was. Told me to come to court the next morning and everything will be fine. Alex came into the courtroom with a smile and a feeling of a ton of knots in his back just unloosening. He was in good spirits indeed!

Probation violation?

Three years in jail?

Three felonies?

What the fuck!? He had admitted he had a problem and totally did fine before without the rehab. He wasn't even given time to go back home and get his kitten's living situation corrected. He went to jail. And the kitten died. He never forgave them for that. In fact he was sure the gypsy curse on them to make them all burn when they pee and have pussy shit coming out of the... Okay, he totally fucked up probation by giving the members of his justice team an incurable case of syphilis. But it was like totally worth it. When he got out of prison for the second time he wound up using that as a campaign slogan for the Republican Party. His incurable case of syphilis was in fact, the patient zero. Soon the rest of the world had this new strain of syphilis that made their winkies and unis puss up and burn when the person who adorns such venereal attire urinates. But it also made them happy. Yes it quickly goes to the brain and attacks the amygdala, which conrtols anger and shit like that. But for some reason only the emotion of happiness was spared. No one was depressed. Suicides dropped to zero. Everybody was hugging and fucking in the street and doing a job that they love because the government decreed that, after the house wiped the puss out of their dicks and va jay jays, that college would be free and anyone could go!

He was both hated and loved. What the hell am I saying? Wouldn't hating be like, outlawed? Imagine all those haterz out there. On the internet and in reality TV shows. They all just got along. And then they did the diddly dance with their diseased genitals. Everyone already had it. So why the fuck not?

Soon those who wanted to be police officers were out of a job. But they didn't need money anymore because he went to college and got what ever he wanted based on what kind of work he had done during a set period of time.

Sadly therapy soon died as an occupation because people just talked it out and they like, totally didn't give a shit anymore. Not for bad reasons. But for good reasons.

Smiley face.

E, Oh, El.

My balls itch. I scratch and I scratch but it won't stop bleeding! What the fuck man!?

That's okay for mister sexy Alex that I made up like a loving God would have. If Alex were God (After having the amygdala fucking zonked in it's arse from the super duper fun syphilis that was like being on ten milligrams of codeine for the first time and having a virginal system.) he'd totally like, fuck chicks and shit. Because he was like totally straight bra. You know bra? Oh yes. Give it to me baby. Uh huh! Uh huh! But alas his penis was just for the chicks out there bra.

His balls totally itched so he typed on instead of scratching them. Oh he had tried doing it above the pants but honest to God he couldn't get that itch of crotch rot out of his system without digging into the moist, fragrant crotch flesh with his nine inch nails. Bet you thought I was gonna say penis didn't ya? Ha ha.

Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!

There! If this happens to be in a book you are reading then you are welcome. I just killed a tree to tell a dick joke. I am awesome.

And Alex was awesome. Not because David had syphilis too. It was because he was high as a motherfucker on a CBD enriched pot lollipop. Because it's like, totally legal here. What are you going to do? Fuck me? Eeeeewww! There is a chance that you are a girl and... Perhaps if you really, really needed it I suppose? Okay. Let me just slide it on in there and... What? It's not in all the way? I give you three inches of my six and a half inch ding dong to hear you complain about how it's only “sort of” fucking you?

Get out of my room bitch! You stupid whore! I'm going to hit you! That's right, take a punch to the face you dirty slut! Your blood will be feasted upon by my kitty cat's lickity kitty licks. For he loves the taste of the blood of an abused woman. I have no idea why either. I've only punched one girl in my life and shit so it was just a really weird coincidence you know? Having your kitty cat lick the blood of the girl you just slugged on your knuckles? He just totally offered so I just let him lick me with his prickly tongue. Ha ha. I said prickly.

What was I talking about before giving you the kind of love that an emotionally unstable and highly abusive man can give you. Shh... It's okay now. We can make love. Shh... Just lie back down and... What? You didn't wash out your cooch and now it's dripping with my semen?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Meanings behind The Vanilla Milkshakes songs

http://goodbyetimebomb.bandcamp.com

1: We Sound Shitty so Spin will like us

            Inspired by listening to a lot of Dressy Bessy and the Thermals at the time, this song came to me instantly. Both bands recorded with a four track recorder and because I was privy to one at the time, I just played a simple chord progression and kept repeating the pattern. The chorus was me just stating the obvious.

2: Cookie Monster

            I know (or knew?) this guy named Ian Cooke. He was technically my first boyfriend I think and I sort of blew it by still being closeted. I love him and his music. He plays the Cello and sings as either the Ian Cooke band or solo as Ian Cooke. This song is basically me saying that he’s so awesome that it confounds me as to why he ever even hung out with me in the first place. The chorus was a play on my imperfect pitch. When I sing “You seem to have perfect pitch and I’m never on” I tried going out of tune as to make fun of the line.

            I wrote this song on the spot when we recorded at Brian’s Uneven Studio. Anyone who knows me can say that I just sing what comes to mind. Ian came to mind so I made the song about him. It was the first song Fez and I recorded for the album so it gave me sort of an idea as to what the album’s over all theme was going to be. Technically the album has ten songs but seven songs are really about people I know.

3: Sara T

            This song is about one of my favorite people. DJ and entrepreneur, Sara T was the first scene person I met when I first came to Colorado. I saw her band “Hot House” play before the Thermals and I immediately took notice about them. Then the Hot IQ’s played a set before the main attraction came out and I started to get a migraine headache. I was still underage then so I wasn’t allowed to go to the drinking area and such, so I suffered through most of the night. Sara came up to me when I started sitting down on the floor and putting my hands on my eyes to give them some pressure. Anyways, Sara asked me if I was alright and I said no. She then said that she would see me in a few minutes. I didn’t know what she was doing but when she came back she offered me a ride home. The Thermals were into their fourth or fifth song when we left. She bought me some dinner at Denny’s and I think just being around someone nice for a change really soothed my headache.

            She used to run a store on South Broadway called “Chielle” (I really hope I spelled that right?) Her two co-owners were Wendy Marlow and Alisa Dowel. So, like in the song, Alisa would let me into the store and Wendy would make me tea. Sometimes I’d fall on the floor and, look! It’s Sara T!

            The drug references in the chorus were just me saying things I’ve done to cure my headaches from time to time. Thank goodness I don’t get them like that anymore.

            The last part about Rob liking music AND Sara T was just me joking about his obvious crush on her. So… Yeah. Good stuff.

            The very end where all the noise is was me finishing with Fez and then going up to the amp and I turned the reverb all the way up. I played the strings across from the guitar nut (where the strings connect to the tuners) and started plucking.

4: Alan (You’re Out of the Band)

            This song is really in four parts. The verses are about the first girl I ever was “with” and about our awesome night together. The pre-chorus is about this girl who worked at a theater I frequented and mentions her in that she is a worry wart. At least that’s how she came off at the time. The chorus is about how this guy Alan from the Photo Atlas said he’d drum for me but he never did. So I fired him via song. He got the joke thankfully so it was all cool.

            The no future thing was just me saying what first came to mind, which happened to be the Sex Pistols. Because I’ll be dammed if I would ever think about my lyrics before singing them!

            The beginning “wha hup!” was actually a tape error in one of the other takes from a different song. It was too good to throw away so we added it to the beginning of the song. The ending noise came from the previous take we did and it was a little longer than the second take. So it ends where the first song ends.

5: Sorry Desi

            One of the worst things in my life had to do with getting drunk and slapping / punching (I don’t remember which…) this girl and all around great person, Desiree. I basically drank way too much and she said something mean to me, which now I’m sure wasn’t intentional, and then batted at her. I feel really shitty about it even to this day. I thought that instead of doing something like a letter or send flowers, I wrote a song for her. It’s really cool too because this was the one song that got some good radio play.

            This one also has my favorite intro to any of the songs I’ve written. Brian hit the record button on the eight track just as Fernando started up his beat. So it has a cool warp sounding thing in the beginning.

            The theatre part was just me making up something memorable that I could sing when playing. I am so bad at forgetting lyrics so I basically just repeated myself, only with different days of the week.

            The chorus was me singing about how nothing could take away the guilt. Then the bridge officially tells her that I am sorry. Although it’s along with another list of names, but the song is for her.

6: The Pessimist

            This one is basically about me being sad all the time. The chorus is almost a suicide letter I think.

            I had Fez do four drum clicks before the song started so I could sing the opening part on cue. The last chorus is me trying to sing an octave higher and I totally bombed it. I tried it twice but instead of cutting it altogether, we just distorted it and I screamed the rest. It really took Brian back because I can seamlessly scream and transition to softer vocals without even a hitch. It is always cool too because many people I’ve talked to say I can scream on key. Whatever that means… But it’s cool nonetheless.

7: Vampires

            Honestly this was a joke song that became popular during the live shows. It’s fun to play and such but it doesn’t really hold my attention. I had recorded a demo of this song and basically just redid it with better drums and recording. I even did the last part on both songs where I go “we did it!”

8: Yr Scene

            I won’t say who this is about. But I’m sure he knows he’s the brunt of the song. Yr Scene is about a scenester who has a lot of control and influence on the scene and he’s being a dick about it. It’s been so long now that I’m sure even he has realized that he wasn’t being nice to anyone and has hopefully started acting appreciative of the people who put him there.

            He had a label that had three of the biggest bands in Denver on its roster. To be honest, I wanted to be on his label but I wasn’t and never will be cool enough for him to notice me in that way. Later the label failed but for that little while he owned the scene.

9: Rich Kid

            I wrote this song a loooooong time ago, before I ever even had singing lessons. It originally started on a “B” chord but when I learned how to sing I figured that was too low to comfortably sing. I wanted it to be fast and energetic so I switched it up to a high “E”.

            For the most part the song is about this girl I met online. I was a totally creepy nerd back then and I didn’t really have the social skills to handle someone mean like her. I guess I’m to blame too seeing as I tried calling her a hundred times… For that I’m sorry. But nonetheless the song is about her and her being mean to me. The pinnacle of our relationship came when she was playing bass guitar for the Patrick Porter band. They had a little gig at a coffee shop and I totally spoiled the show for everyone. I didn’t know I did that when I did it but looking back now I feel, yet again, really bad for it. Stuff like me taking Patrick’s guitar and trying to play and sing. I was always out of key back then so I’m sure it was horrible for those around me. Plus I was just always talking and wouldn’t shut up…

            The title Rich Kid came from back when I was in high school. I lived in a rundown trailer while the rest of the town was living in McMansions. It always hurt me because I’d be made fun of all the time for having just “one” car in my family. There was this handsome guy who drove a truck and he said he paid for it all with his part time coffee shop job. I knew he would never be able to afford a brand new vehicle working there so I called him out on it.

            Maybe that girl was from a rich family too? Meh…

10: Chai

            This song was always intended as a solo song with just me and a guitar. To be honest though I probably would have added drums if Fernando hadn’t left so early in the recording process. But I think it works out alright. Brian was sort of making fun of me or something, I don’t know… I was pretty drunk by the time I did vocals and I think I was crying throughout singing it.

            The song is about how the scene can be your friend and enemy at the same time. “I will die along / dressed in smoke” came from how the bars here in Denver used to allow smoking in their facilities. Not anymore though, which is good because I need to quit smoking.

            The song is sort of like a anti love letter to some of the people in the “scene.” I just never really felt welcome. This song is about not fitting in. Although it would of sounded a lot better with drums I think it does the trick with me solo. At least I hope it does?

            I suppose it’s up to you to decide.

11: One More Song

            My favorite all time local band was called “The Symptoms.” They broke up just as they were writing amazing songs due to inter-band conflict. The bassist wound up going into The Overcasters while the singer / guitarist and drummer went on to form Lion Sized.

            My favorite song by them was a song called “Yr Cool” and they didn’t even play it at their last show, which was disappointing.

            I wrote the song pretty much on the spot but I had the chorus from an earlier song. Well, just the chorus chords and melody, the final lyrics are just what I randomly sang into the microphone. It’s my favorite song on the record and it was just so much fun to play. It still is the song that I end shows with, of course with a sense of irony.

            This song is the only one with two overdubs aside from the music that the guitar and drums played. I think Sorry Desi also had one extra overdub when I clapped the sides of my legs along with my handclaps on the main vocal track.