Alex's Boner Goes to Washington

Alex's Boner Goes to Washington

By: David McGhee

This is me in my first band Ginkins!

And here's me doing a photo shoot for Goodbye Timebomb.

And now back to the zany world of David McGhee! At least I think it's pretty out there. I don't know. I'm not a good judge on my own work you know? Just slip me a twenty and we'll call it even.

Alex stared into his ten gallon fish tank. The one that housed his pet piranha. Well... Not piranha. Those are illegal in America I think? I could Google it but then you wouldn't have anything to complain about when you write your master thesis on my big black cock. Its name was Megabyte. It was fairly large and had graduated to eating small frogs and such. Sometimes Alex liked to cut off his finger tips and feed them to Megabyte.

As he was using a potato peeler to cut his nails when Suzy walked into the room via stage right. “What about a banana?” She screamed at the top of her lungs.

“I am feeling fat. And sassy.” Alex said nonchalantly as he peeled off his right index finger's tip skin, taking the fingernail with it. He dropped the bloody piece of Alex sex into the water. The blood started to fog up the tank. Surely he would have to clean it soon. He wondered if the piranha would get hepatitis C from drinking his blood and eating his spooge. Because he totally had hepatitis from when he shot up with a dirty needle. The man had lied to him and said that he had full blown AIDS. But to Alex's dismay he contracted treatable hepatitis. What a mother fucker?

He thought back to the time when he was humping this hippo of a man named Roger. Roger was fat. And sassy. Giving head had never been so much fun before. Well, Alex didn't give head. He was above that. No. Roger did all the dick sucking. And oh how Alex enjoyed cumming in people(s) mouths. It was the only thing that brought him joy these days. Oh how he used to frolic in the woods, wearing nothing but his sexy sex thin body for warmth. He had a six pack. And he began to drink them all in one sitting.

Feeling fat. And sassy. Alex made eye contact with Suzy and licked his lips.

“Oh please!” Suzy said with disgust. “You must be this high to ride this ride.” She put her hand to her hip to indicate the favored height.

“But...” Alex began. “I'm like, Totally six three.”

Suzy's face contorted into a mass of confused tendons and facial muscles. “Then I suppose you can fuck me?” She said questionably. She stood up to her full five foot stature and looked at the tall skinny white boy sitting on the recliner next to a nick-knack shelf that had an incredibly apathetic fish living in a ten gallon aquarium on top of it. Oh my yes, this fish was apathetic alright. He once ate this young man's penis. The kid cried and said that he had ruined his life. The fish took no notice of his cries of pain and humiliation. For he had just eaten himself some soft bloody stuff. And soft bloody body stuff tasted like soft bloody body stuff and that was a good thing.

The kid later had a penis transplant from a dead porn star. He was so big at the age of five that he wound up doing high profile kiddie porn just to make ends meet in this economy. Oh my yes. And the one you can thank for this is the fucking piranha. Don't you just like saying piranha? It's like a bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb and a zulu.

What's a zulu you ask? Why it's that thing that does that thing at that place where you do the thing but not the other thing because that thing once raped and nearly killed your mother. Oh did I just insinuate that I would write the imagery. Of your mother being raped. By a huge dicked man. Can you picture that? Maybe he's a Mexican? And so what if he was? You fucking racist twat waffle!

Alex punched Suzy in the face and they both hugged. Her lip had burst with blood and guts. Or at least what had looked like guts. The bottom tooth broke through her bottom lip. It was quite disgusting. So disgusting in fact that Alex whistled for his body guard to come up there and get this bitch did. Fucking ho. Thinking that he'd want to fuck a five foot tall girl. Who likes short girls anyways? He did. He fucking did. So when his body guard got to his side he told him to go out and bring him the nuts of the kid who got his dick bit off by his piranha when Alex smeared blood from the kid's finger all over his pee pee and then submersed him into the tank, thus allowing the normally apathetic fish to go completely ape shit and bite the little fucker's dick off. The fact that the kid was making more money doing large dicked kiddie porn than he was making it with short bitches and then pretending like their bank account had been hacked by the government for Homeland Security shit. Because that entity can pretty much do what ever the fuck it wanted to. Fuck with the mob, maybe. Fuck with Homeland Security? Fuck that fucking fuctity fuck shit.

There once was a dog and Bingo was his name-oh. N-IG-G-E-R.

Wait. What? You fucking racist piece of sperm and egg miracle of life! How dare you! You're a white man living in a white world doing white girl things because love ain't no thang. You know what I mean? What-is-up-my-homie? Said the little white guy with Aspergers. He grew up in a prominently black and white (very few chinks) area of Duluth Georgia. David being autistic was always confused when people brought up the subject of race because he doesn't see people as anything really. People continue to be the prominent (excuse me for my laziness) thing that eludes him when it came to remembering people and shit. He always wore a frown but deep down inside he just wanted everyone to be happy.

Is That so wrong? Apparently so. Because immediately after his twenty third birthday he was arrested for possession of heroin. Amazing how time flies. His veins haven't been hungry for much lately. Apparently this drug Suboxone stops the craving for opiates but he was convinced that it stopped his craving for opiates. So he took it. It was a bitch getting it prescribed. It's so fucking expensive too. When Alex was like twenty seven and had a lifetime of mental and physical mishaps, he was finally given the drug treatment for opiate dependence. He did awesome on it and almost got through probation.

If it weren't for me relapsing and being honest that just getting back on Suboxone instead of being on Suboxone and going to this group home rehab thing. That place has fucking bed bugs! No way! And he was honest about this.

His probation officer. Being the sweet and caring person she was. Told me to come to court the next morning and everything will be fine. Alex came into the courtroom with a smile and a feeling of a ton of knots in his back just unloosening. He was in good spirits indeed!

Probation violation?

Three years in jail?

Three felonies?

What the fuck!? He had admitted he had a problem and totally did fine before without the rehab. He wasn't even given time to go back home and get his kitten's living situation corrected. He went to jail. And the kitten died. He never forgave them for that. In fact he was sure the gypsy curse on them to make them all burn when they pee and have pussy shit coming out of the... Okay, he totally fucked up probation by giving the members of his justice team an incurable case of syphilis. But it was like totally worth it. When he got out of prison for the second time he wound up using that as a campaign slogan for the Republican Party. His incurable case of syphilis was in fact, the patient zero. Soon the rest of the world had this new strain of syphilis that made their winkies and unis puss up and burn when the person who adorns such venereal attire urinates. But it also made them happy. Yes it quickly goes to the brain and attacks the amygdala, which conrtols anger and shit like that. But for some reason only the emotion of happiness was spared. No one was depressed. Suicides dropped to zero. Everybody was hugging and fucking in the street and doing a job that they love because the government decreed that, after the house wiped the puss out of their dicks and va jay jays, that college would be free and anyone could go!

He was both hated and loved. What the hell am I saying? Wouldn't hating be like, outlawed? Imagine all those haterz out there. On the internet and in reality TV shows. They all just got along. And then they did the diddly dance with their diseased genitals. Everyone already had it. So why the fuck not?

Soon those who wanted to be police officers were out of a job. But they didn't need money anymore because he went to college and got what ever he wanted based on what kind of work he had done during a set period of time.

Sadly therapy soon died as an occupation because people just talked it out and they like, totally didn't give a shit anymore. Not for bad reasons. But for good reasons.

Smiley face.

E, Oh, El.

My balls itch. I scratch and I scratch but it won't stop bleeding! What the fuck man!?

That's okay for mister sexy Alex that I made up like a loving God would have. If Alex were God (After having the amygdala fucking zonked in it's arse from the super duper fun syphilis that was like being on ten milligrams of codeine for the first time and having a virginal system.) he'd totally like, fuck chicks and shit. Because he was like totally straight bra. You know bra? Oh yes. Give it to me baby. Uh huh! Uh huh! But alas his penis was just for the chicks out there bra.

His balls totally itched so he typed on instead of scratching them. Oh he had tried doing it above the pants but honest to God he couldn't get that itch of crotch rot out of his system without digging into the moist, fragrant crotch flesh with his nine inch nails. Bet you thought I was gonna say penis didn't ya? Ha ha.

Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!

There! If this happens to be in a book you are reading then you are welcome. I just killed a tree to tell a dick joke. I am awesome.

And Alex was awesome. Not because David had syphilis too. It was because he was high as a motherfucker on a CBD enriched pot lollipop. Because it's like, totally legal here. What are you going to do? Fuck me? Eeeeewww! There is a chance that you are a girl and... Perhaps if you really, really needed it I suppose? Okay. Let me just slide it on in there and... What? It's not in all the way? I give you three inches of my six and a half inch ding dong to hear you complain about how it's only “sort of” fucking you?

Get out of my room bitch! You stupid whore! I'm going to hit you! That's right, take a punch to the face you dirty slut! Your blood will be feasted upon by my kitty cat's lickity kitty licks. For he loves the taste of the blood of an abused woman. I have no idea why either. I've only punched one girl in my life and shit so it was just a really weird coincidence you know? Having your kitty cat lick the blood of the girl you just slugged on your knuckles? He just totally offered so I just let him lick me with his prickly tongue. Ha ha. I said prickly.

What was I talking about before giving you the kind of love that an emotionally unstable and highly abusive man can give you. Shh... It's okay now. We can make love. Shh... Just lie back down and... What? You didn't wash out your cooch and now it's dripping with my semen?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!