God is totally a contradiction and the bible doesn’t help matters much: Part one

I recently got into a bout of fisticuffs over a discussion that had been brought up. I am not normally confrontational unless it has to do with knowledge and someone not having the logic to receive it properly. Case in point I was talking to a fellow one night stand (a wonderful man addicted to meth and who claimed to have an IQ higher than myself) and he told me that he had faith in the bible because it was pure truth. Now me being high at the time probably didn’t help my standing much but I did have an absurd amount of energy to pursue this statement.

I asked him how did he see it as pure truth when the meaning keeps changing with our own society’s moral zeitgeist? He claimed that the bible as we know it now is the true interpretation, which I countered with the idea that how could the previous ones been wrong when that was their truth? We’re not talking about this book as if it’s all fact here.

Wait… Yes he was? According to him Noah’s flood happened (despite the fact that God ordered Noah to sacrifice all the animals on the arc right after reaching land) and Sodom and Gomorrah  was actually visited by hell stone.

As frustrating as this is it’s even more astounding that many people in the USA think this way who aren’t all smacked out on crystal. I could easily take this man’s attitude as someone who is coming down and needs an imaginary friend but there are plenty of sober people who get defensive when you ask why was it necessary for Jesus to die on the cross when God is super magical and could of just saved us without killing himself in the process?

I suppose I have the heart of a scientist because I want to know how things work. I believe that by finding out these things we can make it better for the rest of us. This man however has the old style thought (from scripture) that we should not meddle with God’s work. I brought up the fact that Galileo was tortured by the church for saying that we revolved around the sun. He told me that we need not have known that to live a happy live. I had to correct him by saying that without that special man then we would either not have cell phones now or would have had them later than we already do.

Unnecessary, he said. When asked how he would have called his dealer he scoffed and said that he could quit anytime.

That is beside the point though.

Back to the idea that this book and it’s subject is infallible we have to examine a few key points of what it is to be all knowing and perfect.

1: God knows the future yet we have free will – This one plagued me since I was about ten years old. I can never get a good answer from anyone about this one. Apparently God gave us a free will so that we could love him without ever being forced to. God wants us to love him because we do instead of it being his will.

God also knows what lies in store for us.

Wait a bit? If he already knows that we are going to be bad then why allow us to go that way? Isn’t he supposed to be all loving and all knowing? Where do you figure that we are born with his love when he knows even before conception that we are going to hell? Doesn’t that imply something of a thought that we are born destined for suffering and he is the one who created us?

Even the whole concept of hell brings us to question his love. By simply allowing Satan to exist (I’ve been told that he made him but did not know he was going to be bad, yet he knows the future) he is punishing people for things they did not know was even a sin yet. There is no other explanation for Satan other than he wants someone to argue with, at our expense.

Does this sound logical? He wants us all to go to heaven yet he demands that we repent verbally (sometimes psychically) to him. Would God really need our approval if he was perfect? Wouldn’t his self-esteem be inhuman to begin with? Apparently not.

This brings me to another contradiction that boggles my mind to no end.

2: God is not human – Being God should set him to a higher standard than we as humans could ever achieve, yet he is angry most of the time, sad others, and just completely irrational the rest of the time. A good example would be Noah’s flood (I swear I have more examples but this is just one of the more appalling stories when you think of it) because he lays waste to all of humanity and animals sans what is on that boat.

God doesn’t make mistakes yet he tells humanity (a small family which we are to believe repopulated the Earth within the span of a few hundred years) that he would never again flood the Earth in fury. If he has to make a statement like that would it mean that he felt bad about what he did? When we feel bad it’s because we know we did something wrong. How could God of been wrong if he is perfect?

Everything in the bible seems to point to the fact that God appears to be learning from his mistakes. Learning anything means you are far from perfect. Everything has a learning curve whether or not it’s alive.

Take physics for example. The universe after the big bang was chaotic but with time it fell into place. I know this isn’t exactly learning but I believe that in the sense that it was trial and error for many, many eons until the things fit is part of what I’m saying. I just like romanticizing words so get over it.

But that brings me to another point entirely

3: If God is not human, then why do we think of him as having human characteristics? – I know that one may argue that we are made in his image and all, but that would still not make much sense if you wanted to believe he was beyond all of our petty emotions. More than once I was told that he has a plan and that he is understanding and ya-da-da. If he was then why did he start so many wars in the bible? You don’t start a fight unless you are mad. Again I come back to the thought that it is impossible to get truly angry at another village if you knew when creating them that you would want to rip their heads off in a little while.

The only way I can view God at all is that I think of him as a scientist. He by nature cannot be simple, what simpleton can set the laws of gravity up and give us a nervous system that works well? No, he has to be constantly testing the waters to see what works. That is the only way his actions can even start to make sense to us. Again this nullifies his perfectness.

But the bible tells us to try and not understand him. This is a contradiction because many of the books in that thing tell us to do exactly that. It constantly mentions his emotions in order for us to think his actions were justified.

I think the big giveaway about heaven is the fact that when we go we should be beyond our humanly wants and needs. Then why is it appealing to us Earthlings in the first place? Sure the bible says we’ll be happy but the descriptions are very materialistic in nature. Why have streets of gold when that is a human want? Shouldn’t we be beyond that in heaven?

Or is heaven what we want to believe in? I honestly think it’s the latter because the spiritual fulfillment is but a small part of what we know about it. Everyone wants to live forever so why not believe that we do? Better yet, put it in a book that no one would ever question because we are afraid of God getting angry at us. After all, we know that if we make him angry then he could possibly make all of humanity suffer, again which makes sense if you are a drunken mentally handicapped frat boy seeking revenge on anything that moves because your girl broke up with you.

I will give the bible a point for not mentioning that envy is a sin. That didn’t come until the fourth century when a monk decided to make up reasons for us to go to hell. But it’s the fact that we hold onto these additions that makes a nonsensical book even more so. Thou shalt worship no other Gods but God makes it sound like God gets pretty jealous at us looking at other dudes and duddettes. The contradiction here is that he is God, therefore he’s allowed to sin but we aren’t. Should he be setting an example?

Thou shalt not kill is another gem. Never mind that it refers to the fact that when it was written it was meant to be “thou shalt not kill other Jews” but it’s the very cold truth that anyone takes it literally to begin with.

Our morals certainly do not come from God do they? If they did then we’d have been screwed a long time ago. Why do we look at God and the Bible and praise the good parts while totally ignoring the bad? I think that it’s because if we did then we’d be a lot less impressed with God than we want to be. We want him to be perfect and infallible because it makes us feel like something is in control. I believe the basis of fear is the lack of control. And if we feel he has it then we can make sense of the world.

Then again, wouldn’t that be like trying to understand him in a small way?

Ugh… My head hurts.  As I said things that make no sense shouldn’t be viewed as truth. Plus he seems no better than anyone else so why should I look up to him?

We lived millions of years without him, why start now?

Maybe if I take more drugs God will make sense.

Tall people have no feelings

Men, from an evolutionary standpoint, are major sluts. This goes for the entire male population. Not because they exhibit such tendencies but because we (as males) are biologically adept at basically having the forethought to screw anything with a hole.

Women have to be picky over their mates for practical reasons. Such things like the nine month incubation time it takes to foster a healthy baby to the maternal bond that develops even without any sort of knowledge exchange between both mother and child. Most females (if not all of them) feel something for their offspring even if it aborts. This engrained instinct ensures our survival by giving us a natural advocate for growing and being nurtured into successfully reproducing adults. Our advantage over other animals may not be as cut and dry as survival of the fittest but instead it may be the fact that we are raised and trained to be who we are sans genetics.

Other animals such as cats are born then weaned on mother’s milk. Once that period is over then the kitten is on his own. Us however have the advantage of being raised beyond that. This is of course under the idea that the parent(s) are stable both mentally and emotionally enough to pass on their skills and knowledge of the world at least until school age. Why do we ask our parents for advice? I believe it’s because we know that they were sexually successful therefore we look to them for our early examples.

Without going off point I will now focus on the male. By our very nature we are basically peacocks with available sperm. We are very sexually active due to the fact that we have so much competition from other men. Even evolution was in on the joke early on when men had barbed penises just like many other animals in the past. This was to not only inseminate the female with our sperm but to scrape out other dude’s spunk so that we would have a better chance at knocking up the female with our own genetic offspring. The same thing can still be seen as we have large glands at the ends of our penises and some believe that this is a more subtler version of the spined shafts of our ancestors.

Why are some males more successful than others? It has been studied and many scientists have come to the conclusion that females want alpha males as sexual partners but intelligent men as mates. This has been shown in tests looking at females who are on the birth control pill. The pill tricks the female’s body into thinking that it’s pregnant, therefore the need for a strong male to impregnate her is null and she seeks out a smarter and more reliable companion. However sometimes when the two people are wanting to conceive and she goes off of the contraception then she sometimes finds herself less than impressed with her selection. Her mind may say he’s perfect but her body wants somebody who can pass on strong genes and protect her and her child through the rearing years. Which is an anomaly seeing as the male is still prone to wander because of his engrained instincts.

Those who are healthier and more attractive to ovulating females are at an advantage of making more babies. Even with the advent of condoms these men still go for the healthy females in hopes of (at least biologically speaking) getting her pregnant. The male is nomadic in this sense because he is but one of many, he has to stand out in a chance to spread his genetic material around in hopes that he will procreate. Such things that promote female response is basically what we find attractive in modern males. Height, weight, penis size, and other factors.

Height means health and tall people are statistically more successful not only in sex but in the work force as well. We look at a tall fit young man and we are instilled with a sense that he knows what he is doing even though he may not. We naturally gravitate towards these individuals because it is thought that they are the panicle of reproductive success, even if he is a virgin. That’s how deep this goes. Both men and women flock towards these people without their conscious mind reasoning why.

As I said, the taller and more fit an individual the more appealing he is to both sexes. Boys look up to their fathers when they are little because the male is bigger than they are at that point. Being bigger promotes the idea that that person can protect you and be there for you because he seems to know what he is doing, therefore giving off the illusion of success even when it comes to some five year old wanting to follow in the image of his dead beat trailer trash father who beat his biological and non-biological mothers. It is this illusion that sticks with us way into adulthood.

Attractive males are more likely to get a job over someone shorter and less endowed because of this illusion. A taller fitter more handsome male will win over because we think he is more likely to do the job right seeing as he is in good health. I believe this can misfire with persons afflicted with eating disorders. Again it comes back to illusions and what our minds are really after. A sickly thin person may not be healthy but his body gives off the message (as misleading as it can be) that he is healthy and will perform his tasks better than somebody who is shorter, not as strong, and who is heavier, therefore unhealthier than the seemingly fitter individual. We are predetermined to seek out these people on a model of humanity that goes back millions of years.

Back in the day (pre homo erectus) we were hunters and scavengers who just learned how to use nature to our advantage. The taller alpha males (we’ll call them stupid frat boys) were the ones going out and getting the food, while the smarter and less physically intimidating ones were the glue that helped form the ideals of basic human needs beyond food, water, and shelter. A frat boy was unconcerned about the health of one particular female because he had so many to choose from. The nerd’s body still tried to mimic the frat boy because that is in essence inside all of us men to try and be the provider / protector. Ever see a small dog take on a bigger one in a battle of wills? Same thing, but does the small dog ever win? In nature usually not.

In response to this I believe we developed intelligence to find ways for the less physically attractive males to compensate for the features they lacked in order to woo potential mates. We now see these actions in the form of bring a girl flowers, talking to them about their feelings, cuddling, and basically anything you’ve ever done to someone you wanted in order to get laid. You may have felt an emotion behind such actions but the main focus was to bust a nut inside her and pop out a child, making it all but positive that your genes survive.

Males are naturally territorial. We will fight one another over the right to fuck someone, even if it’s just two guys joking with each other in a bar in front of a woman. Tearing each other down and exposing faults in hopes that one male will emerge victorious.

It is a myth that females (and gay males) are not fully driven by outward appearance (which I’ve said can be an illusion) because first looks are the mediator between talking to somebody and ignoring them. It’s in us all and to say that we don’t notice things like that is a lie to one’s self. It’s almost always after the fact that we delve into that person’s psyche for emotional compatibility. After all, once the deed is done then the male really has no tie to the female other than his child, which in nature means little to the male’s fidelity. Animals and humans have evolved our sense of belonging and companionship out of the need to be taken care of beyond the reproductive aspects. We barter and need to love and be loved. But why?

Obviously what’s good for the species is good for the individual. If we take care of someone else then we are helping to preserve our shared DNA. Deep down instinct is still not to the point where it can be shut off. We still gravitate toward the more imposing of persons only to judge character after they’ve spoken or performed an altruistic feat.

All males have the need to reproduce. Tall good looking males are just better at it from that standpoint of outward illusion. The conscious comes after the fact of instinct. Leaving other males behind means nothing in this sense as long as the goal is achieved.

From this idea comes the stupid jock who fucks half the high school and the male model whom girls and guys want to be with without ever knowing the mechanisms behind these urges.

It is good sense to breed with somebody who is fit and healthy and can take care of itself in the long run. Given this all other things that come after the fact is arbitrary, the dick head who never had to develop a full intelligent personality will generally have first picks, leaving those others to use other means to their advantage.

This rule applies to smaller men who are fit as well. Taller ones are just more likely to be jerks due to their size and previous successes as opposed to the smaller ones who develop nasty personalities due to perceived defects.

As intelligent human beings we can get along in a superficial sense, but deep down the fitter males know they can get laid. Making them hunters and promiscuous.

Biologically speaking, tall people have no feelings.

Hairy, hairy hippos

I'm drinking unsweetened chai tea. Whenever I drink plain tea I think of him. His perfect body, his perfect mind, he was so smart and handsome. With a little bit of chin hair that was just so cool. He also had longish brown hair.

I miss him so much... He was looking for something other than what I was and I lost him. I was perhaps a little too clingy. For the most part though I tried to treat him right, I slept with him whenever he wanted, I listened when all I wanted to do was talk. I lost someone really special and it somehow feels like it's all my fault.

*sigh*

In other news, I'm starting to get responses from publishers and such about my book "One More Suicide" and although the negative far outweighs the positive, it's still that one positive response that can get you published.

While that is exciting, I'm becoming a little worried about my output. Most writers can only write like one book a year but I'm normally done within a month. I suppose this would be a good thing to consider a pseudonym. Maybe one for my regular writing and one for my horror stuff. Horror is all I ever wanted to write as a kid but now I feel the pangs of wanting to do more. But by doing genre you generally have a base readership of that particular style.

Darryl McGhee perhaps? Nah... Maybe I'll just see if I can't publish more than two per year. Maybe more. The possibilities are seemingly endless I would imagine.

I still have that guy's email address. It's been beckoning me for quite some time now. I wonder how he is doing, who he is doing... He was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I had never been taken on a date before. I mean a real one, like a dinner and a movie. To the museum, that was amazing. We saw Body Worlds and he explained all of the technical details to me. I miss him...

I bet I'm coming off sounding like a stalker so I'll just stop here.

I've just started John Grisham's novel "The Last Juror" and it's definitely out of style for him seeing as it's written in first person. I'm not a big fan of that perspective but I do enjoy his work so I suppose I'll give it a fair shot before burning it. I'm considering doing the same with Stephen King's Cujo. That fucking book is so damn boring that I have to make myself read it. If for anything other than I don't like having half finished books lying around, although I'm seriously considering it.

Not all of his books are bad though. Misery, Carrie, The Shining, and Needful Things are among my favorites of all time. Especially Misery, the guy gets addicted to codeine and has his foot whacked off, which doesn't happen in the movie. In fact his books are nearly indisputably different than the movie versions. Better in my opinion.

Although I never liked Cujo the movie, so I'm not sure why I'm not surprised that I don't like the book. Half of it takes place in a car with the damn dog outside the door barking. You basically read a hundred pages of them dying of the heat inside. Big whoop.

Two of his movies were better than the books though, Pet Semetary and Christine. Both were horrendous books and the movies took a better angle at the stories. Although Christine started off good, it wound up being a ghost that drove the car instead of the movie where it was just born bad. Bummer.

I suppose I'll leave you with the mental image of two naked guys wrestling in the mud for charity.

You're welcome.

Get your ass in gear people!

Who to believe here? Michael Chricton who is a doctor in medicine or scientists who are doctors in geology, meteorology, biology, and environmental sciences?

Gee... Tough question. I'll give it to Chricton though, his data seems correct when you search for it. Although his book "State Of Fear" was written in 2002-2003 and published in 2004 and there was little proven theory and developed tests to make an more accurate theory back then. Or the fact that most of the strikingly significant global warming trends started in late 2005-2006 doesn't mean that he was full of bullshit. Well it does in retrospect but he was just going by what the majority of scientists at the time made public. And the ones with the most clout were ones funded by big businesses. Tons of new environmental agencies and such have opened up since then and hired their own scientists on the subject.

I know what you are thinking. They are biased to their employer. But weren't the scientists that made the initial confirmations? I know for a fact that we are not due for another ice age for almost 80,000 years because it's been only 20,000 years since the last one and according to geological surveys it happens roughly every 100,000 years. So that theory is horse dung. Just like one way to prove evolution is true is to check the fossils against the strata in which it was discovered, you can check for this shit by not only looking at that but by doing ice surveys in Antarctica (the ice there is up to six miles deep!) by checking plant fossilization records in which you analyze carbon content of the fossil (more snow means less sunlight meaning more carbon and less oxygen from photosynthesis).

I honestly only know about the mounds of scientific data that is accumulating and surpassing the contrary ideology since Katrina and the recent significant warming trends of the past five years.

What am I doing about it? Making it known to take a fucking bus when you need to go downtown (parking sucks anyways and it's so damn expensive!) or using tap water for drinking water (a plastic bottle every time you drink? Shit!) or taking showers that are less than three to five minutes (You're in there to clean yourself, not to fucking jack off!) or not eating fast food (sure they switched to using paper containers... Billions and billions served folks!) using email and switching all bank, insurance, and medical statements to online notifications (who uses the mail anymore for anything other than shipping things? Which by the way, ground is a better way to go seeing as jet fuel is ten times more polluting than standard gasoline) and other ways that I am forgetting about right now... They'll come to me.

I'm not perfect but it's not a bad thing to strive for. I believe that this is a generational thing that will see the most effects when the youth of today are adults and in power. Did you know that nearly sixty to seventy percent of politicians still believe in God and reject climate change because of both money being poured into their campaigns and the fact that they don't believe that God would allow the righteous to suffer on a global scale? (Hello Ted Haggard / Mitt Romney!) The kids being scared today will grow up and kill off these dinosaurs better than any comet could have done. Although if that's what it takes then there are ways to direct those things toward Washington via gravitational pull by specifically designed satellites...

Did you know that global warming isn't just a recent thing? Scientists now estimate that it began nearly two to five thousand years ago when we started cultivating the land. All those trees cut down resulted in massive amounts of carbon dioxide being released into the air. Trees eat that shit so of course when you cut them down and pulp them it's going to release the stuff that hasn't been formed into oxygen (Which by the way, was a poisonous gas to most life forms three billion years ago, resulting in the first mass extinction scientists now theorize. Although albeit it was all mostly bacteria and single celled or mono celled organisms or free floating RNA / DNA. The more you know) In fact they estimate that this released tons more carbon than all the cars in the world combined at any given time. I say this because it's relative to the time we started cutting them down to the time we started industrialization.

If your only info comes from celebrities and An Inconvenient Truth then you aren't getting the whole picture. Google Steven Schneider or Panel For Climate Change (something like that) and you'll not only get some good info, but links to more good info.

It's fucking stupid to think we can change anything in our lifetime (unless micro technology and medicine allow us to be immortal or damn near it within twenty to forty years as predicted) but we can start the domino effect that our children and our children's children will benefit from (not to mention future generations of cute little kittens! Do you really want them to suffer?)

It's stupid to pray to a God who may or may not exist to fix the problem. We got ourselves into this and we damn sure gotta get ourselves out of it. Just like an addict owning up to his problem. If he never started in the first place he wouldn't be in rehab now would he?

~David McGhee

Post two of two; Why I am not afraid of death.

I remember being around nine years old. I had asked the question whether or not cats went to heaven. The Sunday school teacher said that it was only a place reserved for God's chosen. I then asked why on Earth did God create animals if he didn't care about them? I was then told that the reason for animals being on Earth was for man's enjoyment. I think my faith wavered a little at that point. Something had shifted. I loved my cat. Why didn't God love him the way that I did?

Fast forward to my first suicide, I remember being in the psych ward and having a chaplain explain to me that if you committed suicide then you were committing a sin. I asked him why would God make me suicidal and she told me that this was a choice, not a determination. From there I started to investigate the human mind. I must remind you that I am in no way a trained psychologist, so my musings are purely of my own accord. Mind you that I've been in the mental health system since I was about ten, so I feel I've gathered enough info to make an informed opinion.

The first of the falters was learning that there was such things as chemical imbalances. My initial thought was "Why would God make people have problems that he himself deplored?" It was beyond my grasp, and the start of my atheism.

I went on unadulterated though. I still went to church and took communion like a good little boy. Even thought my intellect was starting to far outreach that of my Sunday school teacher. Things like "Why don't we have genetic defects if we came from two people, and then from one family after the flood?" Oh man... They didn't like that. Another one I remember was asking whether or not it was OK to kill a lot of people when the bible said not to kill. When the Sunday school teacher said that it was not I kindly pointed out that Judges is nothing but Genocide. I was then referred to talk with my parents, who did not approve of me undermining the class.

During my teen years I was enthralled with my depression, so much that I deplored God for letting me get this way. I prayed to him every day to lift it, was I not good enough for him to heed my calls? Apparently not. I was told that God made everyone for a reason. Was mine to be made purely for suffering? I couldn't understand why a loving God would let somebody fall like that.

I tried religion again when I was in my twenties. I went to this youth group called The Edge and I was taken aback by the niceness of the crowd. They seemed to accept me. That is of course until I tried to sing for them. Mind you I was not a good singer before training. Instead of telling me that I should receive lessons these people told me to stop trying at all. What was God like in that? When I did learn how to sing they changed their tune and told me I was brilliant. What a contradiction there is there....

I remember my first suicide attempt in Colorado. I did it and was completely alone by the time I was admitted. In fact the only friends who visited me were atheists. I wondered to myself why would people who did not believe in God want to visit somebody who was trying to kill themself? I was told that since our time is short, we should value life. And thus was the beginning of my true atheism. I still remember Wendy giving me a copy of the first Harry Potter book and kissing me on the forehead.

I started thinking. Why couldn't I control these impulses? Shouldn't a creature of God be able to distinguish between right and perceived wrong? I was repulsed by the idea that God knew the past, present, and future. Therefore he knew what I was going to be even before I was born. Did we really have free will then? Did we really choose our own destiny? If we chose to kill ourselves then why would we be sentenced to hell if he already knew of our fate? Wouldn't a loving God intervene? I asked him many times to, but he listened as well as one of my previous counselors. I never got so much as a sign when I took said bottle of Tylenol.

I began to seek out alternatives to religion. The one that made the most sense was Atheism. I can't tell you why it made me feel better. By all intense and purposes it should make you feel worse. Evolution happened and God played no part in creation, at least no God we could comprehend. The more I read up about science the more at ease I felt. I was comforted in the idea that we are not special. That we shared almost ninety percent of our DNA with every living life form on Earth. That if we were to arisen spontaneously, then what about the trillions of other planets in the universe? A trillion is almost too much for a computer to comprehend, let alone the human mind. What made us so special? It was that that made me feel unique. I was the result of a sperm and egg, out of thousands, to have made me into a human.

Who knows? Anti abortionists talk about the potential of a zygote, but what about the guy who jacks off and wastes millions of sperm on a tissue? What about the girl who menstruates and ejects a valuable egg? It doesn't make sense! Why stop there? Why not outlaw masturbation? Why not outlaw menstruation? You can't. I doubt that many creationist fundamentalists ever think about this. Who can outlaw a normal human process?

I think the thing that has stopped me from committing suicide better than any "God loves you!" rhetoric has to have been the idea that this is our only stop. Once you die, that's it. No light, no afterlife, no nothing. I found solace in Richard Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" when I could find none in the bible. Believe me, I've tried. I remember being in jail and reading it page for page. My thing was that if God made us who we are, then why was I a junky? He knew before hand when making me that my life would end up this way, then why would he have even given me life knowing it would be so fucked up?

I am not set out to convert people. This is only my personal revelation (Ha!) on the subject. I no longer fear death because while I do not believe in God I do believe in fate. When and if I die it shall be of death's own time and not God's. If God truly cared about everyone then why would he administer such suffering as part of our existence? If we suffered already then why allow a place like Hell to exist? He certainly has the power then why not the chutzpah?  If he loved us so much then why would he allow an entity like Satan to exist? He is all knowing and all powerful, why allow such a thing to corrupt us men and women?

The universe is indifferent. Once you let go of God and realize this then you will harbor no ill will towards life in itself. It doesn't care about who you are or who you are born to. Many of the royals were born into a life that was plagued by inadequacies resulting from inbreeding. Did they ask to be hemophiliacs? No. They may have been born privileged but they certainly didn't ask to die if they got a minor cut. Such things are arguments for God's existence.

I believe that when I die I will feel nothing. I've been through a coma. It was like blinking one minute and opening my eyes the second. Only thing was that a week had passed and I felt nothing. It was a blink to me. Death to me is like this blink, only it never ends. You won't know you are dead. It's been proven that even the light in the tunnel you experience is that of your brain shutting down. I've experienced this and thought nothing more of it than what it was. A brain defect.

I'm sorry if I don't offer consolation to those who have died. I want nothing more than for people to be happy. My only offering is that the dead felt nothing. They are in peace because they feel nothing. Death is a part of life and only an idealist would consider the idea of somebody living past their bodies. Is that so bad? I mean, you wouldn't even know! You'd be dead!

In closing, is it really so horrible to die? The dead feel nothing. You will always have your memories, so will the people who come after you. When you think of it you have been dead billions of years before you came into existence, why would it bother you that you wouldn't exist for a billion more? We are only on this Earth for a little bit of time. Make the most of it because it's the only life we have.

I will leave now just saying this. If we are truly autonomous in this life, then why waste it on thinking that a man upstairs (It in of itself is egocentric thinking that it would be a he) would care about what you do in your bedroom? I am homosexual and I honestly can't help the way I feel. I've tried to sleep with girls but it really felt like the pieces didn't fit. I remember my first consensual homosexual experience as being one of dread and fear. Why did it feel so damn right if it was so horribly wrong in God's eyes? This was before I learned of the hormone Adrogen that was introduced during the embryos first stages. This was before I learned of the psychological factors that played a role in it. I was a scared young twenty one year old who only knew that it felt right. Why would God make me feel so right doing something that he himself deplored? Later I learned about how most of the mammal species exhibited the same behavior. Why would God give no free will to animals yet allow them to fuck another one of their own gender? Animals know no different. Why would he condemn such an act if he himself gave them no right to do so?

I am not afraid of death because I am not afraid of God's judgment. It's as simple as that. When you let go of him then you let go of centuries of being told what to do. Do what feels right, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. After all, we only have a short time on this Earth. Why not make it pleasant for everyone around us? :-)

~David McGhee

First of two new posts.

So it seems that my internet connection has been severed. Who knew that paying the bill was so important? I am currently sending you this through the wifi provided by Starbucks. Whether or not they will kick me out due to my non purchase use has yet to be seen.

I used to work at Starbucks. Did you know that? I remember this cool tall blond guy and these two little girls that worked with me. The tall blond guy was catholic and I was borderline out of the closet. Only close friends knew. Actually only people who were gay knew. Like this other guy who used to come in and get coffee. Him and his female boss. I used to comp them all the time.

I wish I remembered the names of these people. The two girls, one was a taller white girl with long brown hair and the other was a short Hispanic lady. The white girl would talk to me about books while the shorter one would converse about matters of the local music scene. Fun times.

I wish I wasn't the way I am. I feel as if I am incapable of feeling for others. I am selfish and I tend to think about myself more than necessary. This doesn't mean that I don't observe people though. I can do that very, very well.

Take my ex best friend for example. His parents divorced when he was young and his brother was a delinquent. From talking to him and having him open up I assume that he had tried to patch things up with his parents but that did not work. Therefore he developed a psychosis where he felt that he had nothing good to say, so he just decided to say nothing at all.

I wanted friendship and affection from him. I suppose I was in the wrong to expect so much from another human being as hurt as I am, even if he doesn't see it.

We are currently not talking. The sharpest pain in recent memory was when he denied my friend request on Facebook. How sad is that? I thought we were so close but I suppose we were always like oil and water. I would float to the surface and talk too much and expect it in return while he just stayed on the bottom, not communicating and content to live out his life in mediocrity.  He has so much to offer but he doesn't want to do the work. Sometimes I feel like that then I get motivated and I go on a kick for a little while before settling back down into a debilitating depression.

I am not skinny to the point where I'd be happy.

I am not tall like the friends and lovers I acquire.

I am not as smart as I'd like to be.

Other physical attributes could be more robust.

I'm getting better at accepting these things but without any friends it's pretty hard to go through life without any encouragement. I certainly don't get it from my father. The little bit I do get comes from this girl Alecia. But I feel sometimes that it's a friendship of convenience.

I want to be with my bigger brother and hang out with my niece Amber, but because of her and my father this is not possible. I do not want to jeopardize my housing situation by reaching out to them. My own family. Sometimes I feel as if I am older and more mature than my father.

I remember the time I told him he was being childish. He then turned around and told me that if he was being childish then he would shut off the power, which is in his name. Nice going Dad. Bastard.

I still love him, just not the idea of him.

Does that make sense?

I have been thinking a lot about one of the best relationships I've ever had. His name was Sean and he was just perfect in every way. Not just physically mind you, but emotionally and intellectually as well! He brought me to the museum for a date! How cool is that? Plus he was very gentle and I felt like I was safe with him. Normally bigger guys scare me but I felt good in his arms.

I miss him so much. I wish I wasn't too much for him, as I normally am...

I'd give anything to be in someone's arms right now.